Who is BU here?

[zukiecat]

It was DD1's birthday just over 10 days ago, she's 27 and lives with her boyfriend,

My mother who I have very little contact with (toxic relationship) phoned me yesterday to say that DD hadn't phoned to say thankyou for her birthday present.

My mother saw her the day before her birthday, and gave her her present then, which DD thanked her for

Mother's problem is that DD didn't phone her after she'd opened it,

Surely because DD had already said thankyou, she didn't need to again, or is DD, as my mother said, ungrateful,

My mother said she was disappointed, but does she have any right to be?

DD should have thanked your mother for the present

I always text/call once i've opened present to say thank you. Daughter is BU

She did say thankyou when she was given it blackbird.

My question is, did it need two thankyous

DD is BU not to send a card/text/phone call to say thank you. Your mum is BU to phone you up and moan about it.

She thanked her for having been given a present. I would have said it again after opening it so that I actually acknowledged and thanked her for the present itself.

The first thank you is just being polite as she didn't know what the gift was at that point.

Should have said thank you again once she had opened it so your mum knew whether she liked it or not

Yes, the thank you when she handed it to her is almost reflexive (like when someone hands you a cup of tea), there needs to be a proper thank you when she knows what it is.

A thank you when you don't even know what the present is is pretty meaningless.

I would say it did need two thank yous.

But not in the form of a card. I see this a lot on Mumsnet, I have never in my life seen anyone send a card to thank someone for a present! A call or text has always sufficed.

Hang on, your daughter is 27, what's this got to do with you? Step away.

DD is BU not to send a card/text/phone call to say thank you. Your mum is BU to phone you up and moan about it
Exactly

Does it really matter if she gave two thanks yous

The first thank you was for being given the gift. She should have thanked your mother after opening it also.

Ok, I accept that DD was a bit unreasonable

My view is clouded because of the toxic relationship I have with her

My mother doesn't thank us for any presents we give her, she just phones to say it wasn't acceptable and only money will do

Yes, she should have said thanks for the actual item after opening. Nothing to do with you though.

Tell dm it's in the post and get dd to send one!!
(a thank you card!!)

Jeipping

My mother phoned me because it's my fault, everything always is

I did tell her to take it up with DD, but that wasn't the correct answer to give her

"My mother doesn't thank us for any presents we give her, she just phones to say it wasn't acceptable and only money will do"

Then who the hell does she think she is? I wouldn't be able to stop myself from reminding her of this!

Don't let her control or manipulate you OP. It's not your problem and if she doesn't bother to thank anyone herself then why does she feel entitled to dictate how and when she is thanked herself?

If she’s annoyed tell her you completely understand and you won’t stand in her way in her confronting DD over it.

Why can’t people just communicate instead of trying to pass the buck and drag other folk into their dramas! (I may be biased as had a lot of this crap lately from my family and my patience has worn thin!)

9am

She has bullied and controlled me all my life, I have had severe mental health problems because of it all, spent years in counselling

Everyone in the family walks on eggshells round her because she is so nasty

Which just enables her all the more I know

DD should have said thank you once she knew what the gift was but your mother shouldn't be bothering you about it. At 27 DD is responsible for her own behaviour, you shouldn't get it in the neck for her rudeness.

Your daughter should have said thank you but that isn’t the real problem here. Why are you in contact with someone who makes you miserable?

You have the correct response, your "mistake" was not ending the call immediately!

I have very little contact booboo

I've just never felt strong enough to go totally no contact

Your DD is totally in the wrong here