Who is BU here?

[zukiecat]

It was DD1's birthday just over 10 days ago, she's 27 and lives with her boyfriend,

My mother who I have very little contact with (toxic relationship) phoned me yesterday to say that DD hadn't phoned to say thankyou for her birthday present.

My mother saw her the day before her birthday, and gave her her present then, which DD thanked her for

Mother's problem is that DD didn't phone her after she'd opened it,

Surely because DD had already said thankyou, she didn't need to again, or is DD, as my mother said, ungrateful,

My mother said she was disappointed, but does she have any right to be?

Your daughter is 27. She should know it’s customary and correct to write a brief thank you note.
Your mother was being reasonable in her expectations.

I think it's rude not to send a thank you card to someone who has given you a present.

But your mother is being unreasonable to call you up and chew your ear off about it. The simple solution is for her to stop buying your daughter presents.

OK, I didn't think DD had done anything wrong, but as I explained my view is clouded by my terrible history and relationship with my mother.

Before anyone says, I always send thankyou notes for any presents received

Just to add, DD did know what the gift was, my mother only gives money as gifts

Except to me, I get things like a packet of Handy Andies and one time, two plastic coat hangers, the type from shops

Just ignore her, your Dd is an adult. If your mother has a problem with her she can call her herself. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

I think double thanking is weird. No one does it in my family, my in laws don't either. I've never in my life had a thank you card from someone and the only time I've given them was after my baby shower because I thought receiving the gifts was awkward! I think people do after weddings as well but that's it.

I think your stronger than you give yourself credit for. Try cutting her off you might find it’s the mental relief you need.. Tbh manners aside if I was your daughter I wouldn’t be thanking someone who was such a bitch to my mum.

Double thanking is ridiculous. Your daughter thanked her grandmother for her gift when she received it. That should be enough.

Thanks everyone for all the replies

My own feelings are that DD didn't really do anything wrong, but I did wonder if it was my feelings toward my mother getting in the way