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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely raging?

50 replies

ofcoursehesthefuckingfarmer · 16/07/2018 16:10

DS has ASD. We've had a dreadful 2 years with his overall mental health. He simply hasn't been able to cope in a mainstream school environment with his sensory issues and extreme anxiety all causing suicidal thoughts and school refusal.
We've had lengthy interventions from Camhs, Educational Psychologist and Early help and I'm now on first name terms with the senco and attendance officer.

Just found out that FIL has been telling all the family how badly we've handled it all, how he would have put his foot down and made him go to school, we let him get away with murder, he wouldn't put up with his meltdowns, we just need to shout at him etc etc.

I'm crushed and raging. I've had to see my lovely boy fall apart and become a shell of himself. I've tried the dragging in to school, I've watched the Head drag him off me kicking and screaming, I've had to hide knives and keep my doors constantly locked. I've had to hold him tight to stop him banging his head against the wall, seen him bite his own arms, stop him throwing himself under a moving car. I've listened to him sob and scream about school and how it's like torture to him. I've also fought with everything in me to get him a place at a specialist school from September.

He's so much calmer since I said "enough" and pulled him out of school. And FIL has the fucking nerve to say we're shit parents?! He hasn't a fucking clue as he can't be arsed to make a relationship with him.

I'll stay quiet for DH's sake but AIBU to be so angry?

OP posts:
Cherubfish · 16/07/2018 16:12

YANBU - I would be furious too. I hope things improve soon for you and your DS.

WonderfulWonders · 16/07/2018 16:13

Why stay silent for DHs sake?! Your son deserves better. He deserves to be surrounded by a wider family who love and support him.

Sorry you're going through this.

rosesandflowers1 · 16/07/2018 16:14

What an absolute arse.

He sounds ignorant - not only of the issues surrounding ASD and children on the spectrum, which is bad enough, but of his own family.

YANBU to be angry but I'd say YABU to give a man like that any thought. He clearly can't be bothered to give a flying frittata about anyone else.

Echobelly · 16/07/2018 16:14

No, it's totally thoughtless and smug of FIL to just assume you can shout ASD out of a child. I'd like to see how he'd cope... on second thoughts, I wouldn't!

Gazelda · 16/07/2018 16:15

No, YANBU. How fucking dare he? Your heart must break at your DS's suffering, you must be exhausted. And instead of your nearest and dearest expressing their admiration and pride at how you've supported your DS unconditionally, you get this sort of criticism.
But I think you're right not to confront. You can't change the minds of people like him. Hold your head high, watch as your DS starts to blossom in his new school and stay tight with those who love you and can see the struggle your DS has been going through.

TwoGinScentedTears · 16/07/2018 16:15

Bit surely your dh is feeling the same as you? How dare your FIL, what a piece of work.

You're doing the best for your son, keep that in the forefront of your mind. He's very lucky to have you in his corner!

Flowers Because it all sounds very difficult.

starlight2017 · 16/07/2018 16:18

Do not stay quiet for DH’s sake. If he isn’t as fuming as you he needs telling also.

Knittedfairies · 16/07/2018 16:18

Actually I would question your reasoning for not being incandescent with rage over this! Does your DH know what he father thinks?

swimmerlab · 16/07/2018 16:19

I'm sure my Mum feels the same. She doesn't say it but the odd comment here and there gives me clues (our child doesn't have as many struggles as your DS does but school is a challenge).

I don't rise to it though, it's easy to say how you'd do things differently if you're not actually in the position of having to deal with it.

You know you're doing a great job, just focus on that.

KissMeLikeYouMissMe · 16/07/2018 16:19

That's awful. YANBU. We have been through something very similar with dd and the amount of people who have told me "she just needs a good smack" is rediculous.
I really hope you manage to get him a place in the school you are hoping for from September. Some people don't realise how stressful school can be to some children.

How old is your son?

HRMumness · 16/07/2018 16:19

Definitely 100% YABU. We think our eldest DD is on the spectrum. We are in the process of getting a diagnosis for her. It’s definitely on the mild end but even still, we have had some difficulties getting her in and post school meltdowns which have been challenging. We are doing the very best we can in uncharted territory. Her school has a specialist school attached and I’ve seen some of the children go there have full blown meltdowns at the end of the day. It is frightening and absolutely heartbreaking to watch. Well done you for making the decision to pull him out and getting him a suitable place at a school with support. Ignore your FIL, he is missing a chance to have a relationship with his own grandson.

HRMumness · 16/07/2018 16:20

Sorry I meant definitely YANBU. It’s been a long day.

Booboobooboo84 · 16/07/2018 16:20

Well done for sticking it out and doing right by your son. Tell your DH that for the foreseeable future FIL isn’t welcome in your home or near your DS. He needs a supportive network

Jayfee · 16/07/2018 16:21

Your fil is ignorant..not in the general sense but about asd. I knew a bit, but then got some training at work and learnt so much. To be aware of how someone can experience the world so differently changes your perspective completely.I am sure you have contacted the asd support groups and there are lots of online blogs to help. Things will get better.

Original poster
ofcoursehesthefuckingfarmer · 16/07/2018 16:21

DH is away and doesn't know. I don't know whether to tell him or not, it'll crush him and FIL is his only surviving parent.
He's an ignorant man, always has been and is of the opinion that you can just "snap out of" depression etc.
DD adores him and he seems to like spending time with her, DS is scared of him and won't go to his house etc.

We've fought so hard against "the system" now feels we're fighting against family too.

OP posts:
taratill · 16/07/2018 16:21

Oh my I feel for you. My son has also been too anxious to attend school due to ASD and sensory needs.

We are about to agree a bespoke educational package away from school with the Local Authority as it transpires that his anxiety at school and sensory difficulties have meant that he has not been able to fulfill his academic potential. School is not always the best.

There are members of our family who, I know, think as your FIL does. It annoys me to but I just take confidence that I am doing my best and all of the external evidence points to this being the right thing to do.

Take a deep breath and ignore. Not worth the argument.

Arum51 · 16/07/2018 16:26

Some people are ignorant and stupid. It would appear that your FIL is one of them. No wonder your son doesn't want to go to his house - what has been happening there, in the care of a man who believes these things?

At least you now know what's been going on, and can take steps to protect both kids (you don't want your dd being fed lines about her brother "getting away with things", either).

Knittedfairies · 16/07/2018 16:32

I think you need to tell your DH; I don’t see why you have to carry this by yourself - you need to present a united front. He may well notice that something has happened while he’s been away anyway.

tenterden · 16/07/2018 16:33

I don't think you can or should keep this from your DH. How long is he away for? If he will be home in next few days I would tell him face to face.

FIL is a stupid wankbadger.

Original poster
ofcoursehesthefuckingfarmer · 16/07/2018 16:35

He's home tomorrow. I don't want to destroy what little relationship they have but at the same time I want to tell FIL to fuck off and never contact us again.

OP posts:
N0tfinished · 16/07/2018 16:39

I have a 11yr old DS on the spectrum but lower functioning. We don't tend to have these issues as our DS is non-verbal.

I've shared
Reason I Jump: one boy's voice from the silence of autism www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1444776770/ref=cmswrcpapi_NMltBbE94P64Q this book

with family & teachers etc & it's helped a lot... it's a sweet read & was written by a child on the spectrum. I found it very moving & it's helped me handle my own frustrations in dealing with my sons issues. You'll know yourself whether your FIL would be open to it or dismissive.

N0tfinished · 16/07/2018 16:40

The Reason I Jump: one boy's voice from the silence of autism https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1444776770/ref=cmswwrcppapi_NMltBbE94P64Q

Seafoodeatit · 16/07/2018 16:41

I'm so sorry to hear he's being so horrible, I would be honest with your DH and just give him the plain facts because he should know. YANBU under any circumstances, I'm sorry that the support you need is so hard to get, I hope he's able to get a specialist place soon. Family should be supportive, if they can't find it in themselves to do it then they should keep their mouths shut at the very least.

doublerainbows · 16/07/2018 16:41

The hardest two years ever and then a relative, who is supposed to care and support you all, is doing their best to undermine, negate and deny your two years of hell. I doubt anger actually covers it.

Pulling DS2 from school was the hardest decision of my life. 18 months later, new specialist school and the world is a different place. Other friends told me it would be a transformation but I didn't actually believe them - it had been so hard for so long. I hope next year life gets better for you all in a similar way.

Tentomidnight · 16/07/2018 16:43

Please tell your DH so that you can deal with this together.
My own DH went ballistic when his mum started spouting ASD-denial shit wrt our child.
As a result she has (at least to our faces) tried to be more understanding.