To be absolutely raging?

[ofcoursehesthefuckingfarmer]

DS has ASD. We've had a dreadful 2 years with his overall mental health. He simply hasn't been able to cope in a mainstream school environment with his sensory issues and extreme anxiety all causing suicidal thoughts and school refusal.
We've had lengthy interventions from Camhs, Educational Psychologist and Early help and I'm now on first name terms with the senco and attendance officer.

Just found out that FIL has been telling all the family how badly we've handled it all, how he would have put his foot down and made him go to school, we let him get away with murder, he wouldn't put up with his meltdowns, we just need to shout at him etc etc.

I'm crushed and raging. I've had to see my lovely boy fall apart and become a shell of himself. I've tried the dragging in to school, I've watched the Head drag him off me kicking and screaming, I've had to hide knives and keep my doors constantly locked. I've had to hold him tight to stop him banging his head against the wall, seen him bite his own arms, stop him throwing himself under a moving car. I've listened to him sob and scream about school and how it's like torture to him. I've also fought with everything in me to get him a place at a specialist school from September.

He's so much calmer since I said "enough" and pulled him out of school. And FIL has the fucking nerve to say we're shit parents?! He hasn't a fucking clue as he can't be arsed to make a relationship with him.

I'll stay quiet for DH's sake but AIBU to be so angry?

You need to be very honest with your husband. Why should you have the additional stress of a disrespectful and cruel FIL as well as what your son is going through.

Playing devils advocate (for the record DS2 has MLD and ASD) but is your FIL fully aware if your DS's needs and the resulting issues? There are many older people for whom this is a whole new world given the lack of knowledge about ASD in years gone by and therefore are only experienced in how it used to be (ASD children just classed as naughty/weird/should be sent to a mental hospital)

My own PIL were initially embarrassed that DS2 attended a SS, but this was down to the reputation that they grew up with surrounding special schools, with our full explanation of why this was the best setting and by spending more time with him so first hand had detailed experience this quickly changed

You need to tell you DH.

If his father isn't on the same page with your DS, and especially if he's treating your two children differently, he needs to know. It's the only fair course of action for your DS. His father, your DH, HAS to prioritise that, and to that, he has to know.

YANBU to rage, but DO NOT FEEL CRUSHED!! He will only crush you if you place any value on his opinion. You are doing your best for your child in extremely difficult circumstances. At this time the role of family should be to rally around and support in whatever way they can.. anything else should be kept at arms length! Wishing you the best as your child moves forward to a new school.

Just found out that FIL has been telling all the family how badly we've handled it all, how he would have put his foot down and made him go to school, we let him get away with murder, he wouldn't put up with his meltdowns, we just need to shout at him etc etc.

He's not understood the first thing about Autism, has he?

Load of disablist shite that he's spouting. Treat him with the contempt he deserves and let everyone else in the family know that he's spouting bollocks.

Sadly far too many people in society still think like him, some friends, some family and even more shocking some professionals do too.

This is easy enough even for him to understand.
the-art-of-autism.com/understanding-the-spectrum-a-comic-strip-explanation/

As is the 'What to do with your opinion graphic below

HRMumness sorry, but there's no 'mild end of the spectrum' or 'mild autism'

Who told you what FIL said?

Fwiw my FIL was really rude, cruel and hurtful to my teenage daughter a few weeks ago and I haven't spoken to him since. He can go to fuck.

Loving those graphics!!!

YANBU and your FIL is a colossal bellend.

Have you applied for EHCP?

Bloody hell, what a dreadful betrayal of all you have been doing.

I think you should talk to your DH. You can't have FIL ''between you'and maybe DH can give him a no nonsense account of how things are. Not the mention tell FIL in no uncertain terms not to bloody well gossip to anyone about your son and you and DH.

I would just let DH know, factually, what has happened.

It can very lonely parenting a child with SEN, people don't walk in your shoes, but think they know where you should go. You need to stand shoulder to shoulder with your DH's Dad, the two of you making the best for him, and standing together when you feel cut down.

When you have an autistic child, it's apparently fair game for every fucker and their dog to know exactly what you should be doing, and precisely what you're doing wrong.
They all need to fuck off.
It's also normal for people to decide the child isn't autistic because they look normal , or the person thinks autism = rainman.
They need to fuck off too.

Your DH should be raging on your boy's behalf.
Having said that I do understand how tricky it can be to gain understanding from those who know best. It might be easier to limit contact for a bit.

You need to tell your DH what his dad has being saying. If you don’t, he’ll probably find out from someone else in the family if your FIL has been talking to all and sundry.

💐

" I don't want to destroy what little relationship they have."

You won't be.

Why would your husband want to have a relationship with such a man?

He at least deserves to know so that he can decide for himself though.

Did the family set him straight?

I heard from someone I trust implicitly and who is raging on our behalf.
DS is high functioning so looks "normal" and to bystanders must look like a brat at times, when anxious, which is pretty much anytime he's near people, he is controlling and kicks off. We know the reason why but obviously if you don't know it can look like we're shit parents. FIL is well aware of his diagnosis and involvement with Camhs but obviously thinks they hand them out like smarties and anyone can access Camhs...

He is 11 and thankfully has an EHCP so will start his specialist school in September. I'm hoping we can turn a corner with it all and I'll get my boy back. Today he actually managed to pay for a drink in a shop on his own. He didn't speak but handed money over to a stranger without me stood holding his hand so massive progress for him

I will tell DH, like you say he has a right to know.

These are for you 💐, you're a fantastic Mum, your DS is so very lucky to have you on side.
Your FIL is an ignorant man, perhaps your DH could re educate him ! 😬

Jesus ... I really feel for you OP. I guess we all have to deal with relatives that don't have a clue. My MIL thought a good clip around the ear would cure bedwetting. Not a patch on that though.
It really has to be left to your husband to draw a huge bloody line and tell his dad to cross it at his peril.
Good luck!

This is one of those (rare) threads where actually 'absolutely raging' is perfectly appropriate. I agree in telling DH. And I'd be cheering you on if you were having an absolute full-on go at FIL because he's obviously clueless (though I'm autistic too so I am a tad biased)
Well done to DS for paying for his drink - it really is the little things that mean so much (to us as autistic too)

Best of luck with the new school, hope it goes well

Nikephorus - very true.

I agree totally with Nike. In this instance even raging doesn't seem to cover it.
I'm so sorry OP. That is just awful.
Hold on tight to the fact that it's not you who are the shot parent. You have done what your child needed and fought for them.

Jesus wept , I’d be livid
Don’t try and protect your FIL , tell your DH the truth
I hate this attitude of ‘ they wouldn’t put up with it ‘

Poor you and your innocent little boy
I hope you are successful in getting him into a specialist school , they are brilliant

I am raging on your behalf OP. How dare your FIL do this? He clearly has no idea of autism or what it is like to parent an autistic child.

I would be telling DH exactly what twat FIL has said, and then telling TFIL in no uncertain terms where to go.

You sound like a fantastic parent. You did everything possible to get your son the mainstream school. You have ventured down every path to settle him.
He's not happy. His health is suffering. You are suffering. You have made the right decision and obviously you are seeing for yourself he is getting better and I bet you are too.
There are other avenues to explore and until you find the right one your son is having a rest and getting his mental health back.
Those comments are disgusting. He obviously has no understanding of your son or his condition. He sounds set in his ways and nobody else can be right.
Don't let him get to you. You know you are trying and a decent parent and your son will love you for it.

It could be a generational thing but my parents are the same generation and bothered to read up on autism when he was diagnosed and trust that, as we live with it everyday, we know what we're doing.

I'm dreading telling DH, he's the most placid man and will be so hurt by this.

That's so unfair and inappropriate of FIL.

You need to tell your DH what his dad has being saying. If you don’t, he’ll probably find out from someone else in the family if your FIL has been talking to all and sundry.

^^This.

Families, who'd have 'em? Much sympathy.
Just wondering, is it possible that the FIL is also on the spectrum, and everything he hears about ASD is interpreted as' that sounds just like me and I had to cope' - along with not understanding the much greater emphasis on social and communication skills in modern schools and the sensory attack they inflict upon kids. My parents didn't get ds's ASD (ditto ILs) until we pointed out all the ways he's just like my dad (and FIL), so then they were 'so perfectly normal, whys everyone making such a fuss', and then I described how modern schools are so different from my old-fashioned ones 30-40 years ago - and now they get it. If they were younger they'd probably do a Toby Young and start an old-fashioned school...