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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wash my hands of an alcoholic family member....

58 replies

mrsflems1 · 16/07/2018 11:47

I have posted in the past about my relationship with my Aunt, we were very close as she has no children of her own.

She has always had anxiety problems but since the beginning of the year her alcohol problems have spiralled out of control, drinking a litre bottle of Smirnoff whilst lying in bed is nothing to her! She also thinks we are all stupid and swears she isn't drunk when I know she is. She had always been really hands on with my children however I am not happy about sending them to her while I work anymore.

My mum saw her in Tesco buying a litre of vodka at 10am this morning and she denied that's what she was doing, why else would she be up that aisle so early in the morning.

I've had a telephone conversation with her this morning and told her she is on her own, my life is being taken over with her alcoholism, she is regularly drunk at work (caring for vulnerable people) she is running my Uncle into the ground, the weight is falling off him and all he does is cry to me because he doesn't know what to do.

A part of me feels guilty but I need to focus on my own family and I cant help her if she wont help herself. Am I being too harsh cutting her off or is it the right thing to do so she sees the consequences of her actions.

OP posts:
Lucisky · 16/07/2018 11:51

Having had an alcoholic relative I would say yes, cut her off. You will never be able to change her, that change can only come from her. Alcoholics drag you down with them and they can destroy you emotionally. Also, tell her why you are doing it.

Haffdonga · 16/07/2018 11:55

I am not happy about sending them to her while I work anymore

There is absolutely no question here at all. Your duty is to protect your dcs, not your aunt's feelings.

pointythings · 16/07/2018 12:02

Cut her off but try to encourage your uncle to seek help for himself via a support group for relatives of alcoholics. That is all you can do.

PoshPenny · 16/07/2018 12:06

Yes without a doubt cut her off (recovering alcoholic brother here) it's the most dreadful thing and you all get sucked in Thanks

MatildaTheCat · 16/07/2018 12:10

Offer support to her dh and withdraw.

If she is definitely drinkingbwhilst caring for vulnerable people then she ought to be reported for all their sakes.

Original poster
mrsflems1 · 16/07/2018 13:43

Thank you, I offered help to my Uncle on the telephone about an hour ago but also said I needed to step back from my Aunt as I couldn't help her if she cant help herself.

My Uncle told me he would "see to himself" and put the phone down on me! I'm gutted but yet feel so guilty because apparently they do so much for me and I should just continue to put up with the lies and deceit.

I'm not having my children subjected to this and in regards to her work I have actually considered reporting her but could I live with myself and would it make things worse or would it make her realise just what she is doing with her life.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 16/07/2018 13:49

Could you live with yourself if a vulnerable person suffered because of her alcoholism?

RabbitsAreTasty · 16/07/2018 13:50

You are doing the right thing.

Could you live with yourself if she harmed one of the vulnerable people she works with? If you were one of their relatives, what would you want you to do?

Wolfiefan · 16/07/2018 13:52

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

Al Anon offers family support. You cannot control whether someone else drinks. You can only control your response and keep your family safe. If she chooses to stop then you could offer support of you felt able to.

Original poster
mrsflems1 · 16/07/2018 13:54

@Wolfiefan - thank you, I think this is just what I needed to hear. I am not responsible for this, I am only responsible for my own children!

OP posts:
itchyknees · 16/07/2018 13:56

Are you fucking high???? She’s absolutely shit faced, looking after vulnerable people and you haven’t reported her????

Original poster
mrsflems1 · 16/07/2018 13:59

What a rude response... @itchyknees??

I don't think that was called for!

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 16/07/2018 14:00

It is hard when it's family. You feel conflicted and want to be loyal and loving. But that won't make them get sober.

itchyknees · 16/07/2018 14:02

I know, that’s why I was so forceful. This is the trouble with alcoholics in the family. Their behaviour gets normalised and suddenly their loved ones find themselves considering whether it’s ok for them to be drunk at work, when to anyone outside, it is utter utter madness.

Your uncle doesn’t know what to do? He needs a tie up his arse to bring this to a head before she kills someone or herself. Imagine if it was YOUR vulnerable relative she’s looking after? Not your kids, she cares about them, but the ones she’s paid to see to, and cares so little about that she gets drunk?

Report her now.

nomorepeoplepleasing · 16/07/2018 14:05

mrsflems1- I am unfortunate enough to have had several family members with addiction problems. Advice that my family received from professionals (and which those who have now turned their lives around wholeheartedly agree with) was that they cannot change until they are willing to accept that they have a problem and are determined to overcome it themselves. Unfortunately for my relatives this didn't happen until those of us that cared about them stopped supporting them/making allowances for them. Discussions that we had recently have shown me that the years of giving them the benefit of the doubt, pretending to believe them, minimising what was happening, trying to avoid upsetting them actually just put of the inevitable. It's hard but you have to think of yourself and your children- offer your uncle support but make it clear that you will not be dealing with the alcoholic aunt unless and until she seeks help

Attic14 · 16/07/2018 14:10

Meh no. I have several aunts I've cut off from and my dad, who died from alcohol related illness in the end.

BigusBumus · 16/07/2018 14:18

I had an alcoholic sister who died 3 years ago. I spent nearly 20 years trying to help her quit. In the end I removed her from my life, much to the horror of our mother. But it was the right decision for me without a doubt and my life and that of my children was a lot calmer. I was still there for my mum to vent at and supported every decision she made about my sister, but not having her in my life anymore was something I don't feel guilty about even though she died without us making our peace (as she was still drunk).

I found Al Anon very helpful. Perhaps you could find out your local group and ask your Uncle if he wanted to attend a meeting "just to see what its all about" together? I only went a few times, it was enough for me. A pamphlet I was given the first time I went was called Alcoholism: A Merry-go-round named Denial. Google it, you can download it. Its really really good.

Original poster
mrsflems1 · 16/07/2018 14:45

I actually believe that my Uncle is a lot to do with the problem, he is either covering for her or in total denial.

"No she cant be drunk there is no alcohol in the house"
"Its the menopause - its making her drowsy"

These are the type of excuses I have to listen to.... several times this year he has called the ambulance as she is so out of it but is adamant its not alcohol related. She keeps asking the hospital to keep her in as she has mental health issues but they put her on a drip to dry her out and send her on her way and the doctor told me the last time she was in that this has been her 8th alcohol related admission!

OP posts:
BigusBumus · 16/07/2018 14:54

Your uncle cannot accept his wife is an alcoholic as confronting it is too painful for him. So he covers-up and enables her. Read this article Its written to the POV of your uncle but may help you understand how much he is probably hurting. He is in denial to everyone but most probably is absolutely aware of her alcoholism, hence his anger, putting the phone down on you etc.

LanguidLobster · 16/07/2018 14:56

Would she agree to see someone? What does your mum make of it?

Definitely keep the kids away. I can go through phases of drinking too much (30 units a week) so have booked in to see an NHS counsellor, it would be nice to have some support about changing patterns.

Could you/someone else speak to her work 'anonymously' and ask if a member of staff had a problem what would they do to help?

alltoomuchrightnow · 16/07/2018 14:57

Al Anon was great for me re my alcoholic then fiance. But I imagine if your uncle is deep in denial he will refuse to go.
Yes cut her out...otherwise you will be dragged down even lower than her.. I speak from experience

pointythings · 16/07/2018 17:06

Your uncle is codependent. It's a hard thing to break, I was there for a while myself. It's hard to accept hat the person you love and share your life with is an addict, and admitting it makes you wonder whether you are responsible and have failed them in some way. And of course you haven't - 3Cs as wolfie says - but it doesn't feel like that. Your uncle will be paralysed by enabling and codependency until he hits his own rock bottom and decides 'no more'. And so there is nothing you can do to help him either, therefore you now need to withdrawn and get support for your own mental wellbeing's sake.

JamPasty · 16/07/2018 18:03

Please report her - it's not fair to allow vulnerable people to remain at risk when you could prevent it.

redshoeblueshoe · 16/07/2018 18:13

Absolutely report her. In places I've worked they offer support to alcoholics.

FrancinePefko42 · 16/07/2018 18:20

So sorry you are going through this. It sounds like the later stages of physical dependenc. No amount of pleading, persuading, begging, threatening or cajoling will make a blind bit of difference.

Look after yourself, your family and your uncle if you can. I am heartbroken for you as your situation brings back very sad memories for me.