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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To wash my hands of an alcoholic family member....

58 replies

mrsflems1 · 16/07/2018 11:47

I have posted in the past about my relationship with my Aunt, we were very close as she has no children of her own.

She has always had anxiety problems but since the beginning of the year her alcohol problems have spiralled out of control, drinking a litre bottle of Smirnoff whilst lying in bed is nothing to her! She also thinks we are all stupid and swears she isn't drunk when I know she is. She had always been really hands on with my children however I am not happy about sending them to her while I work anymore.

My mum saw her in Tesco buying a litre of vodka at 10am this morning and she denied that's what she was doing, why else would she be up that aisle so early in the morning.

I've had a telephone conversation with her this morning and told her she is on her own, my life is being taken over with her alcoholism, she is regularly drunk at work (caring for vulnerable people) she is running my Uncle into the ground, the weight is falling off him and all he does is cry to me because he doesn't know what to do.

A part of me feels guilty but I need to focus on my own family and I cant help her if she wont help herself. Am I being too harsh cutting her off or is it the right thing to do so she sees the consequences of her actions.

OP posts:

Original poster

mrsflems1 · 17/07/2018 09:05

Thank you everyone that has replied, I have read them all and it has really given me lots to think about.

I'm really struggling with it all today especially as my husband seems to think I am doing the wrong thing in cutting off contact. Yesterday seemed to be an all time low, she has kept her alcoholism hidden from public view however yesterday she was walking the streets and in the supermarket like a total down and out.

My uncle walked out last night, said he had had enough and wont tell anyone where he is, so my husband went and sat with my Aunt for most of the night but she just kept asking him to leave (I think this was so she could drink more)

She is due to go to work today and I am still debating with myself whether to call her employer, I just feel so guilty but cant continue to live with this pressure as it continually lands on my husband and I.

OP posts:

itchyknees · 17/07/2018 10:14

It sounds like a LOT of co dependent behaviour. Why on earth did your husband stay???

PLEASE report her. It is a kindness to allow her to experience the consequences of her actions.

RabbitsAreTasty · 17/07/2018 10:26

You did the right thing, which meant your uncle did the right thing. Unfortunately your DH is trying to protect your aunt from the consequences of her choices, which will only prolong the agony. She has to feel it, feel it hard, if she's going to put in the momumental effort to tackle her alcoholism.

twoshedsjackson · 17/07/2018 11:34

There was a notorious case in the last century of an epidemic being traced to a carrier called "Typhoid Mary"; she knew she was infectious, was forbidden from working as a cook, but carried on regardless, (because that was how she earned her living) causing havoc until finally imprisoned. Not quite the same thing I know, but......Think of your Aunt going into work and inflicting her symptoms on defenceless and vulnerable people - because alcoholism is a terrible disease, and she is damaging far more people than herself. I think her employers probably have an inkling that all is not well, and their reluctance to "make waves" is another form of enabling. You can either warn them discreetly, or wait for some awful crisis to bring matters to a head.
Now that your uncle has come to the end of the road, she is running out of enablers, and he needs support as well. Your husband is acting from the best of motives, but he needs to realise his help is misguided; perhaps he would take this unpalatable truth better from a disinterested third party, like AlAnon.
I've said this before; think of the safety drill on aeroplanes; if you don't get your own oxygen mask on first, you're no help to anybody else. If she sucks you dry, you can't be there as a support if and when she tries to break free. I hope she can.

Original poster

mrsflems1 · 17/07/2018 13:41

Thank you @twoshedjackson, I have found out that she is at her work today caring for a girl with disabilities. I am dumfounded that she has gone to work, I called her workplace earlier and was advised that her team leader is out. I didn't want to leave my details as I do not want anyone to know it is me that is passing on this information.

I was advised to call back after 2:30pm today! I am still riddled with guilt though!

OP posts:

Omzlas · 17/07/2018 14:11

I've had personal experience of alcoholics and they won't change if they don't want to. They also won't stop or admit they have a problem until something serious happens (in my case, my ex wrote off TWO cars of mine in the space of 3 months and received a 5 year driving ban, lost job, etc - still wasn't enough)

Please PLEASE cut her out of your life and report her - to her supervisor and if possible, local authority.

I know it's hard but what if something happens with the little she's looking after and your aunt is too rat-arsed to help? That little girl is someone's child too

Hugs to you OP

itchyknees · 17/07/2018 14:12

Riddled with guilt that you can’t get through and your aunt could be fucking up the life of a very vulnerable child, and taking money for it?

Original poster

mrsflems1 · 17/07/2018 15:55

I spoke with her Service Manager today. I tried to remain anonymous but she said it was my word against my Aunts.

So I told her manager everything, how bad her addiction is, how often she is drunk at work, also told her about the time I had to go to her place of work and cover for her whilst waiting on an ambulance coming to take her away (she cares for people in assisted living schemes - so they are in their own homes) I had to care for the girl, put her to bed and lock up and put her alarm on.

I am actually shaking from head to toe, I got the impression she was really dubious about my claims as my Aunt has been a "model employee" apparently

However I told her I would bet my wages that she was drunk in charge of her at the moment, don't know if they will do a spot check.

Don't know what will happen now but she has to realise the consequences of her actions.

OP posts:

itchyknees · 17/07/2018 16:03

Well done you. I know I’ve given you a hard time, and you’re very very courageous to do that.

Even without the drinking, having a stranger have to come in and cover for her and put her client to bed is a gigantic safeguarding issue alone.

easyandy101 · 17/07/2018 16:11

It's not the right thing, it's not the wrong thing

It's the thing that you think works best for you, which is what most people ultimately want

Vagabond · 17/07/2018 16:23

You're very brave. I applaud you.

Vagabond · 17/07/2018 16:24

I've tried for 40 years with my Mum. About to visit her in the US from the Netherlands for a summer break. My brothers are already there and report that she is drunk every morning from 9am. Not only that, she tries to hide it, and then offers to take the grandchildren to the park in her car! When they try and talk to her about it, she just waves them away and locks the door to her garage/studio. She's an artist. I wouldn't visit if it weren't for my Dad who somehow seems oblivious to it all. He is starting to suffer from memory loss, which is the reason for my visit. I'll be there for 3 painful months, and I just don't know what to do. I would seriously go "no contact" if it weren't for my poor dad. I love my dad to death and want to protect him. What can I do? Please, I would love some advice.

redshoeblueshoe · 17/07/2018 22:52

The Service Managers reaction was dreadful.
Do you know who the Service Manager is accountable to ?
Keep notes of times and people you speak to in relation to this

emmyrose2000 · 18/07/2018 02:43

Well done for contacting her workplace. It was definitely the right thing to do. I hope her employers follow up on this as she shoudn't be anywhere near vulnerable people in her condition.

glintandglide · 18/07/2018 02:52

The posters saying (some more
Forcefully than others) that Op should “report” her are awful. OP is going through enough trauma, she is not responsible for sorting this out too.

OP I feel for you. Huge decision and it must be very raw.

Monty27 · 18/07/2018 03:00

Maybe they all cover for each other at work!

Someone is her enabler.
Someone needs to find out who.
It's not your responsibility OP.

BetsyBigNose · 18/07/2018 04:57

I've mentioned on mn before that I'm in recovery (6 and a half years clean and sober! ) So here's an opinion from 'the other side of the coin', if it helps.

PPs are right in that an alcoholic will only seek recovery when they are ready - and it often takes 'hitting rock bottom', or having those closest to them appear to 'give up' on them. In my case, I had one utterly horrific day (which included me getting a head injury after falling over at home whilst drunk; I now sport a rather large scar across my forehead - a reminder of why that day was the last I'll ever touch alcohol, every time I look in a mirror).

Perhaps you going NC with your Aunt will be what it takes for her to start to stop. Perhaps it won't. But there's nothing more you can do for her until she's ready. I know I put my family and friends through hell - it's taken a very long time to build trust again after so many lies, and some friends have never found their way back to me, but I understand and accept that for some people, it was too late.

I was incredibly lucky that those closest to me (husband, mum, sister and best friend), although angry and disappointed, didn't walk away - but I would have understood if they did. At the time, I would have been raging and would no doubt have blamed them and used it as an excuse to drink more, but I'm sure that after a few days the reality of the cause and effect would have started to sink in and it may well have brought me to recovery sooner (as I would have realised that I would lose them permanently if I didn't start to atop).

So, if going NC seems the healthiest choice for you and your family, then that's what you should do - the analogy that a PP wrote about fixing your own oxygen mask first is perfect. I see that you've already approached her employer, but I would have asked yo to have one last conversation with your Aunt, where you explain why you're going NC and that you are going to report her to her employer as you have a duty of care to her Clients - just to give her the heads up, so she could approach her boss first and ask for support with her alcoholism, rather than the boss having to approach her.

Take care of yourself and your family, your Aunt is a grown woman who is suffering from alcoholism, but she has the cure within her and it's up to her to start using it - you can't do it for her.

I wish all of you the best.

RabbitsAreTasty · 18/07/2018 06:03

@Vagabond you need to start your own thread.

Original poster

mrsflems1 · 18/07/2018 09:12

@BetsyBigNose great post, thank you for the advice.

I feel a lot more calm this morning, went to my first spin class last night (that's a sure fire way to get rid of some pent up emotions)

My Uncle is in complete denial, I spoke with him yesterday whilst my Aunt was at work and told him he wasn't helping with the lies and covering up, and he put me out of their house! I was so angry at the time but realise I cant control it, if they want to live in a wee bubble and pretend everything is fine that's their choice.

I need to have a level head to look after my boys and that's where my focus will be now!

OP posts:

babitababita · 18/07/2018 09:13

The levels of drugs abuse among our young are shocking. This is a systemic issue.
issueafterissue.wordpress.com/2018/06/13/shocking-number-of-young-adults-are-drug-abusers/

Original poster

mrsflems1 · 18/07/2018 09:20

@babitababita - I wouldn't class her as young - she is 58 years old! Was such a respectful person before and a hard worker, its just been a downhill journey for the past 4 years!

OP posts:

SandAndSea · 18/07/2018 09:22

I've got alcoholic family members too. I've noticed and read that they tend to be surrounded by enablers. It's a really hard situation to deal with and I think you've been incredibly brave. They won't thank you now but, if she gets clean, they might in the future.

redshoeblueshoe · 18/07/2018 09:26

glint - what if she has an accident with the person in her care ?
I know a couple of people who have had alcohol problems whilst working in care and their employers have been very supportive.

pointythings · 18/07/2018 12:22

babita my STBXH who is an alcoholic is 58. His younger brother, also an alcoholic, is 53. My mum, another alcoholic, is 77. It's not just a youth issue.

glintandglide · 18/07/2018 12:30

Of course she could pose a danger to the person in her car but she could also kill someone drunk driving, or get aggressive and punch a shop assistant or all manner of things.

Addicts carry many risks with their addiction and many are risks to the public. But family can’t take responsibility for that. Where does it end? It’s also not simple. If she’s sacked she may spiral immediately into a worse addiction, she may end up homeless etc.
It’s just not simple and strangers on the internet should be able to realise that rather than bossily demanding the OP follow the only bit of simplistic advice they can offer.

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