To be upset with DH for inappropriate comment to friend...

[tweedles1511]

Had a wedding this weekend and DH got smashed. Was with all his mates and I knew he would get loose, was prepared for that. What I wasn't prepared for was for one of his mates wives to come up to me and tell me he'd gone up to her on the dance floor and told her he fancied a 'dry hump'... she obviously found it funny and saw it as a joke and I tried to laugh it off when she told me. Later in the evening she came back again and said he kept following her around. I'm pregnant and so was sober and just found it really humiliating.

I told him how it made me feel and he was very sorry and embarrassed and said it was just a bad joke but I'm really struggling to see the funny side. I know he would never actually do anything but still just doesn't sit well with me. Don't know if the pregnancy is just making me ultra sensitive or if I'm right to be p***d off.

Sorry, I meant does he act in the way he did with the friend when he's drunk OP.

I'd be telling him straight that from now on he doesn't get so shit faced when out with you in future.

Oh OP i feel for you that must have been really embarrassing for you.

I once dated a man briefly for 6months who did very similar things and i was always upset and mortified. Thank god it ended when i found him in bed with someone else.

I know he would never actually do anything but still just doesn't sit well with me

Oh dear. What makes you think this, given that his behaviour points to the contrary? Sorry, but he absolutely would take things further if he had the chance. He's doing such shitty things in front of your face, so what he would do behind your back, is anyone's guess. And in my view, any man who tells another woman, that he wants to dry hump her, on a dance floor, where the dry humping will be seen by all and sundry including his own wife, is not going to think twice about really doing the deed, if they were alone in a room.

My first husband was exactly like this. I endured it for years and years. And yes, in the end I found out that he indeed would take it further given the chance. He fucked my best mate, so that was nice.

My mistake was always making excuses for his behaviour, and accepting apologies. I often "played it down". He was always drunk when it happened, so it was always written off to silly drunken antics, and he was always sorry. I should have kicked him out. At the very least, he may have understood the severity of it, and changed his behaviour. Maybe then, our relationship would have stood a greater chance. As it is, I always forgave, and therefore he thought it couldn't be that bad, and so, he always did it again. Until I could take it no longer, and I left him (after 20 years).

My advice, if you want to stay with him, is to treat this as the very bad thing that it is. I'd make him leave. Even if your own head, you know you will get past this, don't let him know that. Make him see how serious you are, and how he is risking your relationship. If I could have done one thing differently, this would be it. By forgiving and forgetting this, you are giving him the message, that what he has done isn't that bad. This gives him the green light, to do it again and again.

And it IS bad. How would he feel, if you asked one of his friends to rub his dick all over your dress. On a dancefloor. In front of crowds of people? Hunky dory?

It’s wrong to blame this on alcohol. Plenty of people can drink and not turn into perverts.

If he's acting that way, he needs to control his drinking, if I did not, i would consider a future without him, sounds like a horrid sex pest.

Maybe I am a bit OTT but I would honestly leave a man that behaves like this. It's fucking embarrassing for you and he is an absolute creep.

You are not be unreasonable to be pissed off, OP. I would add utterly disgusted and ashamed that he humiliated you. He has done that, just him.

Your friend rejected him in what she thought was a kind way but he took that as 'try a bit harder'. He's an utter pig.

You say that it's the alcohol but the piggery lies underneath. Someone who isn't a pig doesn't do this whether they've been drinking or not because it's not there. It is there in your husband.

What are you going to do about it? He's showing you that he cares little for what you or any woman thinks as he's 'always an arse when he drinks'. He hasn't stopped drinking, has he? He should stop - no more alcohol since 'it doesn't agree with him'. I agree with Dolphins entirely on this.

I'm sorry about this OP, your pregnancy makes it harder and actually sadder. He has you where he wants you ie. vulnerable. He may not consciously realise that but that is where you are because you're never more vulnerable than when you're pregnant and I'm so sorry for you.

He needs a cold, hard shock - and you need to stop feeling apologetic and unsure of yourself. Be sure because you're right. Dead right!

I feel sorry for saying that he's a 'pig', pigs are lovely animals. I need a better term

Ass-hat? Sex pest (definitely)! 'Inadequate little man' is the best that I can manage.

He should be making you feel a million pounds, OP. Not this. It's going to taint everything for you as you'll always be watching him wondering when he'll disgrace himself (and shame you) again. You shouldn't be ashamed at all, it's all on him, but the pitying looks will be on you.

I'm so sorry and angry for you. I wouldn't stay with this man, I just couldn't. It would be waiting for the shoe to drop and a) he just wouldn't be what I thought he was and b) wouldn't be somebody I could fancy for a husband... and that's important. :(

I really want to smack him in the face with a frying pan...

I agree, it's not the alcohol. Alcohol lowers your inhibitions, so you are more likely to do things that you want to do that you may not dare to do when sober.

I have seen my now DH drunk, on many occasions. Never Ever, has he behaved towards women, the way that my first H did. Never.

I don’t drink so I just don’t understand why people can’t have a good time without being drunk. I’d be telling him he either never touches alcohol again or he leaves. I’m guessing you don’t want to get divorced so I don’t know what else to suggest.

If he is an arse when pissed he stops drinking...simple as that really.

What an arsehole.

How have you not lost all respect.for him?

Your husband has publicly humiliated you by coming on to another woman, right in front of you. Stop making excuses for him. It's not funny, it's not a joke, it's not banter between mates. Who gives a fuck if her husband would have found it funny? No man is the gatekeeper of a woman's emotions, it doesn't make it OK to behave badly if her closest male relative will think it is a hoot. She clearly didn't find it funny and she was trying to let you know what was going on. Nor is drink an excuse, as others have pointed out, it has just made him less inhibited.

It's not the alcohol
It's that he has no respect for you or your child

Sorry to say this but I'd be packing his bags over that.

There's a saying "in vino veritas"....... when someone is drunk, they tell the truth. His truth is that he's got fuck all respect for you.

Thanks all. I have lost respect for him. And I feel vulnerable. And most of all just massively sad to be feeling like this when I'm pregnant with what was a much wanted second baby. Genuinely don't know what the next step is.

I am so sorry. Whatever you decide, I hope it leads to happiness

If it were me in your situation, tweedles, I'd ask him to leave for a bit whilst you quietly think through your options. You can't do that with him buzzing around. Ask him to go. If he has any care or concern for you, he'll do that without a fuss.

Regardless of what happens, you will still have your much-wanted second baby. Regardless. It just won't be such an idyllic time for you right now whilst you process this selfish disregard (for ALL the women involved) and the impact on your marriage.

I'm so very sorry. Can your mum come over? A friend?

What a disgusting pig!

My dh has been in some right states over the years and do you know how many times he's made sexually inappropriate comments at another woman, followed her around, and acted inappropriately right in front of me with one?

Zero times.

Because he's not a misogynistic creep.

Alcohol didn't "make" him act like this. What a cop out.

My dh would be out on his arse if he did this. And yes, I'm serious.

He needs to stop drinking. I'm not joking.

If he really is lovely the rest of the time.

You are right to be pissed off. I hate it when behaviour like this is passed off as a joke. You are married, you are pregnant, there are boundaries. Good luck OP

He needs to stop drinking and he needs better friends.

"I was drunk and all my friends do it and think it's funny" isn't an excuse or a recommendation.

I think this is difficult also op. It's not enough to end a marriage on in my opinion but it's enough to cause some significant damage.

I'm sure many men crack onto other women when their wife is not present, but when they do it in front of their wife and to a mates wife, then they have moved this to another level. I would assume this is what he does when you're not there also.

Don't minimise it by saying the wife found it funny, she won't have, and don't minimise it by saying his mate will have found it funny or done the same to one of his friends wives, he won't have found it funny if his wife didn't and bottom line is no one likes a mate cracking on to their partner.

I don't know where you go from here, because he is what he is. It's simply a case of now you've seen it with your own eyes.

Wow, has he not profusely apologised and grovelled for that at all? Alcohol can and does turn some people into absolute asshats but when they become ‘proper adults’ as in spouses and parents, they should accept this and probably stop drinking so much. He should feel pretty humiliated over this really, it sounds cringey as fuck.