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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Do I have to give SIL all my baby stuff?

88 replies

Lilipolpo · 16/07/2018 09:06

All our baby stuff came from my sister, who doesn’t need it back, now SIL is pregnant.
SIL and BIL are alright but we’re not close. Doubt they’d even say thank you. When I got the stuff off my sister I put some money in nephew’s bank for his future to acknowledge they saved us so much money. SIL and BIL wouldn’t even think of that I’m sure!
So, feel free to call me a selfish cow, AIBU to resent giving them all this stuff?

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 16/07/2018 10:20

How does your DP feel about it. Does he also not like his Brother?

If you are going to have another, then you are within your right to just hang on to it.

If you were just going to bin it, or give it away anyway, then it would be churlish. Regardless of your feelings, it is your Child's Cousin that will benefit.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 10:23

Unless I hate the person, I basically give away everything that I no longer want and is in good condition. I don't care about getting anything back because my main aim is getting rid of the stuff.

Same. Too old for playing games.

CocoFlannel9 · 16/07/2018 10:27

You don't have to do anything you don't want, but still can't see the point in hoarding it if you don't plan on using it again.

tenterden · 16/07/2018 10:28

So they haven't even asked for anything? I would just sit tight and if anyone asks, say you are going to use it again yourselves.

None of their business really.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/07/2018 10:30

If you don't want to give it away because you are going to have another child then just say that. No need to lie about your sister asking for it back. Lying is wrong. Am always shocked at how comfortable mumsnetter are with casual lying.

Wolfpac · 16/07/2018 10:33

You dont have to give her anything you dont want to. If she asks then it's up to you if you want to give the baby stuff to her. I certainly wouldn't expect someone to give me things just because they are family...

GarethSouthgatesRevenge · 16/07/2018 10:35

What are you going to do with the stuff if you don't pass it on to your SIL?

3stonedown · 16/07/2018 10:38

I've never heard of an expectation to pass stuff onto sister or inlaws. I was a bit PFB about DD's stuff when I was pregnant and wanted all new so they might not want it anyway.

cantfindname · 16/07/2018 10:42

I once gave a ton of baby clothes to a neighbour.. an 80 liter sack full. It was a terrible winter and they were damp after I had washed them all so I told her this and said they would need to come out of the bag to dry or they would go mouldy. She complained at length, about the fact that they weren't fully dry and ironed!!! Since I had four children's clothes to wash and air without those I thought she was a tad ungrateful, said I would help her with the problem and took them away to give to someone who might actually say 'thank you'!

Jghijjjoo · 16/07/2018 10:49

Just say that your sister wants it back when you've finished having your own children, or that she would be upset if you loan it out before you've finished having them.

longestlurkerever · 16/07/2018 10:50

What are you going to do with it otherwise? I tend to think "hurrah" if I find a decent home for my old baby kit. Charity shops don't all take it because it's bulky and there is so much of it kicking around. If you got it for free it seems a bit cheapskate to want to profit from it by now selling it. Share the love! If you still want it for your own family that's different.

SendintheArdwolves · 16/07/2018 10:51

@cantfindname - I'm sure your neighbour was a lot ruder than it seems and that you were in the right, but if I was presented with a sack of clothes during a "terrible winter" (ie: no outside drying) and informed that they were all damp and would need to be instantly unbagged and dried else they would go mouldy, then I might....at least make a bit of a face.

shockthemonkey · 16/07/2018 10:56

I missed the bit where you explain why you feel you have to give them all the stuff.

SoyDora · 16/07/2018 11:01

I'm sure your neighbour was a lot ruder than it seems and that you were in the right, but if I was presented with a sack of clothes during a "terrible winter" (ie: no outside drying) and informed that they were all damp and would need to be instantly unbagged and dried else they would go mouldy, then I might....at least make a bit of a face

Ditto. I would be grateful to the giver’s face but may grimace a bit in private!

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 16/07/2018 11:11

Lol at wanting to see gratitude for presenting someone with an 80 litre sack of damp clothing in the midst of a terrible winter

FASH84 · 16/07/2018 11:19

You seem a bit immature 'i don't like her and she won't give me money for things I didn't even buy so I don't want to help her' erm ok. If you plan on using it soon keep it, if you're just bring spiteful at least offer, you may find they don't want any of it anyway.

lifechangesforever · 16/07/2018 11:22

I wouldn't expect it, or want it to be honest. As a first time mum I wanted to choose and buy everything myself - especially if it's been through 2 babies already.

Aeroflotgirl · 16/07/2018 11:22

Don't give it to them, tell them you are saving it for the next baby, or your best friend is having a baby and would like it.

BlueTears · 16/07/2018 11:27

Of course you don't have to share! It's your property.
It didn't come FROM them to begin with so you don't have to give it back TO them.

My BIL & SIL Just had a baby and we are expecting one, I'd NEVER expect anything from them.

(Just say your sister wants it back)

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/07/2018 11:28

The in laws know we have this stuff and would expect us to share - well they can expect away all they like, doesn't mean that they are going to get their hands on anything.

My advice OP is feel free to donate any thing that you are happy to actually give away (as in never expect to see it or a replacement for it ever again). Kids stuff (from buggies to clothes and everything in between) gets wrecked over time. If you want to hang on to it for yourself, then do. There is no time limit on how long you can hang on to stuff for. If you want to sell it later, I'd even go so far as to ask the sister that gave it to you whether she wants any of it back to sell for herself before you put it on line.
You could say to SIL that you'll be putting some of the items up on line for sale but you'll give them first refusal on them at 'mates rates'.
That's how I would deal with it.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 16/07/2018 11:32

If you have a possible use for it in the future or someone very close to you you might want to give it to, then keep it. If you know you won't use it it seems very mean spirited not to give it to them.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/07/2018 11:34

No, you only give what you're willing to lose, and if you want to have another baby, then you'd probably want it back again.

Have a read of the various threads on here where people have discovered that the person they lent stuff to has either handed it on again or sold it, apparently "not understanding" that it was only on loan.

Don't be that person. Keep the stuff you want to use again for your own use; let them borrow anything that you don't expect to see again (or never wanted in the first place )

And if your ILs feel so strongly about it, then they can jolly well lend their own stuff or buy new for your SIL.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 11:51

We don't even know if the stuff has been asked for yet! I get the feeling the OP doesn't care much for her SIL and I'm betting this has more to do with it than anything else!

Duskqueen · 16/07/2018 12:17

No you don't have to pass it on, it is up to you, it was given to you it, it is yours now to do with what you want, save it, pass it on, give to charity or sell.

TacoLover · 16/07/2018 12:53

if your sister doesn’t want it back, you don’t need it and you don’t have anyone else to give it to, why not give it to them?

This. You don't want to give it to them because you don't think they will say thank you? That sounds incredibly petty to me.

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