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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do I have to give SIL all my baby stuff?

88 replies

Lilipolpo · 16/07/2018 09:06

All our baby stuff came from my sister, who doesn’t need it back, now SIL is pregnant.
SIL and BIL are alright but we’re not close. Doubt they’d even say thank you. When I got the stuff off my sister I put some money in nephew’s bank for his future to acknowledge they saved us so much money. SIL and BIL wouldn’t even think of that I’m sure!
So, feel free to call me a selfish cow, AIBU to resent giving them all this stuff?

OP posts:
RowenaFlower · 16/07/2018 09:37

Stuff like bouncy seat and play mat.
Pretty sure they’d accept anything (without saying thank you). I want another kid but they could be using this stuff in the meantime.
Think it’s just that I don’t like them much, so I feel resentful. The in laws know we have this stuff and would expect us to share.

Love you lot, was expecting everyone to say “stop being a selfish moo!”

Merryoldgoat · 16/07/2018 09:38

You don’t have to give anyone anything you don’t want to. However, I think the constant looking for an appropriate level of thanks (which features a lot on Mumsnet) is exhausting.

You give someone something, they say ‘thank you, that’s really kind’ and that is literally enough for most people.

I just gave masses of baby stuff to a friend I would be quite surprised if they offered any money - they’re doing me a favour as well as me doing them one.

RowenaFlower · 16/07/2018 09:38

Account confusion, am OP!

DisturblinglyOrangeScrambleEgg · 16/07/2018 09:40

Entirely up to you - my family has a floating load of kids stuff that just makes its way around, people adding/removing as stuff gets ruined.

We probably all keep the occasional bit as a memento too.

However I sent some beautiful stuff over to my BIL when they had their first child, and none of it ever came back into circulation (and yes, I'd had plenty of conversations about it all while SIL was pregnant, and yes they used it - I saw plenty of pics/MIL mentioned it) - including the bouncy chair - so when their next child came along I didn't pass anything over, since they clearly weren't prepared to be part of the roundabout.

As to things not being any good after 2 babies - how weird - plenty of the stuff in the clothes bags we have has been used by 6 or 7 babies, and it's still totally fine.

Entirely up to you. It's not obligatory.

TheChatsPyjamas · 16/07/2018 09:40

I’d just say everything is close to it’s last legs, you want one more baby so wouldn’t want them to have to buy new for you if it broke while they were using it. Or just say you want to keep it for your next baby!

TheChatsPyjamas · 16/07/2018 09:40

Or that your sister wants the baby stuff back once your family is complete so you can’t loan out to other people.

FriendOfScarecrow · 16/07/2018 09:41

The in laws know we have this stuff and would expect us to share.

They can expect all they like...

sockunicorn · 16/07/2018 09:41

Dont give it to them. say you gave it back to your sister. Then, when/if you have another child, say she gave it back. its YOUR families loan and lives at your mums for that family. simple Flowers

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 09:42

Has she even asked for it?

SaucyJack · 16/07/2018 09:45

"The in laws know we have this stuff and would expect us to share."

It's not up to them to decide that you have to share things that your sister has given you.

But none of this needs to be an issue anyway as no one has asked you for it.

Just don't bring it up yourself, and say a polite no if they do ask.

SoyDora · 16/07/2018 09:46

Tell the IL’s you’ve given it back to your sister?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 09:47

Unless you're keeping it for your next baby why wouldn't you give it to them?

cholka · 16/07/2018 09:49

You're being quite materialistic to imply SIL should give you money to represent the money saved when you didn't pay for the stuff in the first place. What else are you going to do with it? Sell it? What will you do if you make more money than you put in your nephew's account?
You're not obliged to give it to them but it seems a bit unreasonable to cling on to it if you don't need it on the basis that they should pay you something to balance out what you contributed to your nephew. A bit transactional.
Why not ask them if they need anything in particular then see if you're prepared to give them yours, and if not sell it?

AtomicGlitterBomb · 16/07/2018 09:49

I agree tell them your sister has told you she wants the things back so unfortunately you can’t share.

wegotthis · 16/07/2018 09:55

I gave my brother and SIL most of the baby stuff from my two and didn't get a thank-you. I now regret not keeping it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 09:56

I don't get why people get their knickers in a twist over stuff like this. If you want to keep it - fine but if you're not going to use it again it seems a bit spiteful not to pass it on!

Unless there's a huge back story drip feed about to appear 🤨

Flobalob · 16/07/2018 09:57

I can understand why you feel.like that. I've given my in-laws tonnes of really nice stuff and lent a few things too. Saved them hundreds of pounds over the first few years.
But when I asked to buy their buggy off them they refused saying they were letting a friend have it. That was it for me. I'd saved them a fortune, they were happy to accept all my stuff but, when the shoe was on the other foot, decided friends came above family so I now give all my kids nice clothes/toys to charity.

SoyDora · 16/07/2018 09:59

I guess the issue there Flobalob was that if they’d already promised it to a friend before you asked to buy it, they could hardly take the offer back from their friends could they?

PinstripeElephant · 16/07/2018 10:05

Just don't get into it OP. If they ask, just say that you're saving it for your next DC.

MIL and SIL have written a list of what we'll be giving them when DS grows out of it, down to the last sock, they even go in drawers and see if there's anything they'd like Hmm it's cheeky fuckery at its finest. And I won't give them anything, because I won't be dictated to like that.

MrsAidanTurner · 16/07/2018 10:09

Give or don't give what you want!

We made £100 of very much needed money selling at the baby markets that are everywhere. clothes old, slings toys etc.

Maybe you have close friends who may expect soon and you want to pass onto them, people you have chosen to be in your life and want to help?
Lastly, any special clothes can be made into teddies which are beautiful keep sakes.

Strawberry2017 · 16/07/2018 10:09

I plan to save the things for my next DC or my sisters. Nobody else!
If you don't want to hand it over then don't. X

ittakes2 · 16/07/2018 10:10

There must be a back story - but just tell them your sister has asked for it back for another friend! It was her's in the first place.

WilyMinx · 16/07/2018 10:14

Unless I hate the person, I basically give away everything that I no longer want and is in good condition. I don't care about getting anything back because my main aim is getting rid of the stuff.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 16/07/2018 10:14

As pps have said, do they even want it?

If you want some money for your ds’s bank account then sell it and put the money in his account.

You absolutely don’t have to give it to them. If I knew my sil was thinking this about me I’d rather she kept the baby things rather than begrudgingly hand them over thinking “I bet I don’t even get a thank you humph”. Not really in the spirit of giving is it?

EveHen · 16/07/2018 10:17

It could be a really nice gesture, it might break the ice a bit with her and you might get along a bit better with something in common? Why don't you offer her a selection of things and see how it is received? She may not think to offer you money for it though (I didn't, and didn't expect money for the things I passed on either)