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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL staying over

75 replies

MrsSiba · 15/07/2018 21:38

Just looking for alternative views on this situation as no-one to talk to in RL.

Baby 2 due and MIL will look after DD1 while l am in hospital. Going in at 9am so i thought we could pick up MIL in morning. DH wants her to stay overnight at ours so she is here in the morning to save travelling in rush hour to get her and because she is weird with early appointments. ....she tends to stay up all night and is then shattered the next day. Her timekeeping is shocking. She lives 20 min drive away.

Now he wants DD1 to sleep with MIL in case she ever needs to overnight with her in future. DD1 has never stayed overnight with her mainly because there's never been any need. Plus MIL is v deaf and once asleep wakes for no-one. I don't see the need for this.

What is pissing me off is I don't really want her here the night before the baby. She is loud, talks constantly about people i don't know/her views /what she ate for breakfast /commentary about what she is doing next and has an annoying way of directing the convo to her son. I feel left out esp when they disappear outside for a smoke. I am nervous as it is and will not be able to relax with her here.

DH is presenting all of this to me as a fait accompli.he knows I don't like it but that I can't say anything. We have already fallen out once about it and I don't want anymore fallout before baby comes.

Also i said I wanted first visit just to be him and DD so she could meet and bond and his mum could come later. He blew his top but has since agreed with me. I really didn't want her there first being loud and hogging Baby as I knew she would.

AIBU about them sleeping together? MIL is a smoker but night wear wouldn't smell. I don't know why they should. I don't envisage any overnight stays. I know a lot if this is because i can only tolerate her in small doses. I appreciate she is doing us a favour but it feels like he wants her to be more a part of our lives and I don't. I am quite private and she is a massive gossip. Plus it's always all about her. She is on her own and we do weekly visits. That's more than enough for me.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you still are. Maybe I just need to vent .

OP posts:
Poptart4 · 16/07/2018 12:20

This reply has been deleted

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GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 12:27

I think BertrandRussell was being facetious regarding the smoking and the double standards going on regarding being concerned about MIL smoking but not DH.

BertrandRussell · 16/07/2018 12:48

I wasn’t being facetious. Smokers shouldn’t be near babies.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 16/07/2018 12:53

Well no, obviously. Hard though when one parent smokes though.

ShouldofWouldofCouldof · 16/07/2018 15:21

You don't recover from copd. Its a degenerative illness.

Cath2907 · 16/07/2018 15:25

I think you are being rather rude. I totally agree that DD shouldn't share a bed with MIL, I've no idea why that is even being suggested. I assume there is a spare room for MIL? Otherwise I think you need to just suck it up and be polite as she is doing you a favor. No need for you to stay up late into the evening to be sociable but a bit of a natter won't hurt you!

Jaxhog · 16/07/2018 15:34

I’d hate to share a bed with a smoker, certainly wouldn’t impose that on a child! Why on earth would they need to share anyway, given that there’s a spare bed?
She WILL smell of cigarettes. All smokers do, however much they protest that they don't. Sharing a room seems quite enough. Sharing a bed seems unnecessary. Although I don't see why even sharing a room is necessary, given that your MiL is very deaf and sleeps like the dead.

Jaxhog · 16/07/2018 15:36

But since she's doing you a favour, be polite and welcoming and invite her for dinner. But put her in the spare bedroom. Alone.

Original poster
MrsSiba · 16/07/2018 15:47

Just to clarify... MIL will be picked up at 5pm so she will join us for dinner and then the rest of the evening.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 16/07/2018 15:54

YANBU about her co-sleeping - that sounds really unnecessary.

If she is your only option to care for DSD then I think you have to suck up the overnight. Unless she lives in the next road.

As an aside, I wouldn't let smokers near my newborn and DSD. Yuck.

Alicatz66 · 16/07/2018 16:43

DD will probably enjoy a sleepover with MIL !!! She's her grandma ... and you should definitely give her dinner ! Does DD usually have fun with MIL... if she only sees her once a week will be nice for them to spend some time together

Duskqueen · 16/07/2018 16:54

If you are being induced you will more than likely be in 24 hours if not more. I was in 24 hours for induction and then another 24 hours after for some time alone with my baby before going home to my DD so I could bind with him without feeling guilty. So it might be good to have your MIL there overnight before you go in so it isn't a novelty the next night whilst in hospital.
I think your idea of having a meal just the 3 of you for the last time is a good idea and then going to pick your MIL up and you can have an early night without being rude, just say you are going to bed early as obviously got a busy day tomorrow and don't know how much sleep you will get. Also to make sure she knows you aren't being rude say to her thank you again for this it means a lot, before you go up, then just good night and go. There is nothing then she can take offence at.

Doingreat · 19/07/2018 23:45

How are you OP? Was thinking of you earlier that you were due to be induced on Wednesday. Hope all is well

Original poster
MrsSiba · 21/07/2018 12:36

Hi @doingreat 👋

Well I had DS at yesterday by c section. We are besotted. The induction didn't really work as well as it should do but baby is here and fine.

Having MIL stay over was ok in the end. We all went to bed pretty early about 10ish. DH was a dick before he went to pick her up asking me if I would be nice when she was here which upset me. I told him I hoped he told his mum tne same and his priority the night before i give birth should be me!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 21/07/2018 12:45

Congratulations OP Smile

Hope you have a lovely time settling in with your new baby. Has MIL gone now?

WowLookAtYou · 21/07/2018 12:59

Congratulations on your lovely new baby! Thanks
I hope your dh calms down a bit now, and stops "blowing his top" at you in favour of his mum.

Motoko · 21/07/2018 13:08

Congratulations!

Doingreat · 21/07/2018 19:57

Congrats on your new baby!

Yeah men can be dicks sometimes when you need them most. Sad but true.

Hopefully having the baby there will make him reassess his priorities sharpish!

Doubletrouble99 · 21/07/2018 23:13

Congratulations. I do hope you recover from your c section. It really is a major op. and you'll need to take it very easy for a few weeks. might need MIL a good bit more or is DH having a good bit of paternity leave?

Original poster
MrsSiba · 22/07/2018 03:12

Thanks for your lovely wishes, up trying to establish bf so thought I'd check in and update.

MIL has not impressed DH one bit. She has left her medication lying around on the kitchen table twice. First time he reminded her no big deal but couldn't believe she was so thoughtless as to did it again. It's strong prescription only stuff. Rather than apologise her response was dd knows not to touch it. She wouldn't accept it shouldn't have been left out in the first place.

She has not done that good a job looking after dd in DHs eyes. He returned home one night to find dd was still up at midnight. DD has been trying it on not eating her dinner and snacking on choc buttons as kids do. He feels MIL has not been the responsible adult she should have and is too busy being fun time nanny. And MIL has turned to him and said he is not disciplining dd enough. The worst thing she could say. ...DH's big thing is discipline and I think sometimes he is too hard on her. He was particularly insulted as he says they were ' dragged up '.

Apparently she has been playing house too. I was told she was cleaning the oven - that pissed me off. I know most people would say let her crack on with it but to me that was out of line. As if she was saying she just had to sort it out. It's not that bad actually. MIL is not some clean freak. Some days DH has gone round to do her hoovering because sge can't do it.

MIL rang her sister to tell her that I was being discharged and invited her to our house today if she wanted to visit. I am very proud that DH told her she had no right to do that and what if I wanted a quiet evening having just come out of surgery? DH organised visitors thoughtfully last time so it wasn't as if he wouldn't have done so this time. MIL went on the defensive rather than apologise.

She's broken plates, gone through my charity shop bag and worn a jumper from it to the hospital and DH has still been back and forth helping her. DH feels let down.

However things have come to a head. Apparently DD had a bit of a meltdown with something she wanted. Before MIL left she was telling me about it saying she's never seen anything like it in her life, how it went on for ages. It started to sound vicious and now I know MIL was using this to have a go back at DHs parenting skills because he told MIL it only went on as long as it did because she had no control of the situation. The way MIL was talking about our daughter upset DH like she was some stranger to gossip about. I also thought it was horrible.

DH is sick of his mum and wants to avoid her for a while. Yay.

What a drama.

He now doesn't want

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSiba · 22/07/2018 03:13

Oops mammoth post but it's been eventful!

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 22/07/2018 15:48

I do think woman have instincts about these things!

Well done and congrats on the baby - bet you're glad to be home

Has she gone?

ohfourfoxache · 22/07/2018 16:03

Well, she’s ballsed that up hasn’t she?

Maybe he’ll listen to you in the future

Inertia · 22/07/2018 17:02

Congratulations on your new baby.

At least your DH gets it now.

Original poster
MrsSiba · 22/07/2018 23:55

I hope he will listen to me more now. He refused to take her call this morning.

I am home, MIL gone and my lovely family came to visit and it was fun. And the sun is back out ☺

OP posts:
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