MIL staying over

[MrsSiba]

Just looking for alternative views on this situation as no-one to talk to in RL.

Baby 2 due and MIL will look after DD1 while l am in hospital. Going in at 9am so i thought we could pick up MIL in morning. DH wants her to stay overnight at ours so she is here in the morning to save travelling in rush hour to get her and because she is weird with early appointments. ....she tends to stay up all night and is then shattered the next day. Her timekeeping is shocking. She lives 20 min drive away.

Now he wants DD1 to sleep with MIL in case she ever needs to overnight with her in future. DD1 has never stayed overnight with her mainly because there's never been any need. Plus MIL is v deaf and once asleep wakes for no-one. I don't see the need for this.

What is pissing me off is I don't really want her here the night before the baby. She is loud, talks constantly about people i don't know/her views /what she ate for breakfast /commentary about what she is doing next and has an annoying way of directing the convo to her son. I feel left out esp when they disappear outside for a smoke. I am nervous as it is and will not be able to relax with her here.

DH is presenting all of this to me as a fait accompli.he knows I don't like it but that I can't say anything. We have already fallen out once about it and I don't want anymore fallout before baby comes.

Also i said I wanted first visit just to be him and DD so she could meet and bond and his mum could come later. He blew his top but has since agreed with me. I really didn't want her there first being loud and hogging Baby as I knew she would.

AIBU about them sleeping together? MIL is a smoker but night wear wouldn't smell. I don't know why they should. I don't envisage any overnight stays. I know a lot if this is because i can only tolerate her in small doses. I appreciate she is doing us a favour but it feels like he wants her to be more a part of our lives and I don't. I am quite private and she is a massive gossip. Plus it's always all about her. She is on her own and we do weekly visits. That's more than enough for me.

Sorry this is so long and thanks for reading if you still are. Maybe I just need to vent .

Your being a bit dramatic which when your so pregnant it's allowed . I'd let mil stay over. You don't want to be late for induction.

Mil and dp going for fag break is hardly leaving u out. Perhaps she directs all convo at dp because she finds u hard to draw into conversation if you really don't like her.

Could u spend the day with dp and dd instead? Then you pop dd to bed while he goes and gets his mum. Then leave them to it and have an early night.

I'm with DH on MIL staying overnight. The last thing you need is for her to still be in bed when he goes to collect her, or gets stuck in rush hour traffic, meaning you'd be panicking about getting to hospital on time.
Also, it would be rude not to offer her dinner. This "special time before" is a bit precious, as a pp said, most people don't know exactly when they'll be going in to give birth, so just get on with their lives.

His idea about them sharing a bed is weird though, you should put your foot down on that.

And if you don't want to feel left out when they go out for a fag, go and join them, although I don't see anything wrong with them having some time to themselves, and I don't see it as them "leaving you out".

Compromise? Have your special family of three night before instead, then on eve of induction mil comes before rush hour. You have an easy takeaway, then you get an early night to be rested for the next day.
Regarding the sleeping together, Dc1 probably should not have to many changes to her routine with a new baby coming, is mil looking at this as a fun girlie sleepover perhaps? (not my idea of fun, I am on my computer or watching TV or reading late each night and a dc would disrupt that. Maybe use that angle...her screens would keep dc1 from getting a good sleep?

My friend does have her gd sleep with her when she minds her, they eat snacks and watch tv/a dvd in bed. Then again, 6 kids of her own and no guest room.
Anyways, good luck, and congratulations on your soon to be dc2.

And your dp is going to stop smoking before the baby arrives, isn't he? Because it's going to be a real pain in the next for him (and you) him having to shower and change clothes every time he needs to be anywhere near her......

If there isn't anyone else to have dd then it's tough love I'm afraid. You just have to suck it up.

Hope all goes well with baby 2

If you are being induced then I'd say there's a pretty huge chance you'll be in hospital at least 1 but more than likely 2-3 nights. You'll need your mil on board for childcare.

Smokers aren’t meant to bedshare are they? With very young children anyway. So that would be out.

Re her staying over, like pps, I think yabu and maybe overthinking the whole thing. We had my fil here the night before I was due to go on for a cs with dc2.

Yes, a last night meal with my dd and dh would have been lovely, but it was way more important that everything went to plan for the actual birth.

I’d plan a special meal for you, your partner and your dc1 a week before maybe.

@BrutusMcDogface I was thinking the same - it could be day 2 or 3 before baby is even born, plus a potential stay afterwards if there any any complications

I'm going on on weds so I can make tonight and tomorrow night feel more special and then it will be easier when MIL here the night before I go in. Fully expect to be kept in 1/2 nights and am fine for MIL to stay. It was just before I have the baby I was struggling with. MIL is happy to happy to stay over , gives her bragging rights such she'll love!☺

Good point about DH smoking. I have been on at him about it but you can't make someone give up as I have found out. He had COPD a few years back and stopped for about 8 months then started up again. Numerous promises to stop have been and gone.

So you're going to let your baby be a passive smoker? And your other child already is? And your biggest problem is your MIL staying over and whether you should give her dinner? OK then.

No smoking in our house, outside only, and DH is careful to wash hands after he has been so minimising any impact as far as poss. tops changed coming back in. Not as good as not smoking at all but we are not living in a fug.

My mum has COPD, I thought it was a progressive disease, not something you can get over. She's on oxygen most of the time now.

Let's hope he never breathes anywhere near the baby.

YANBU to feel apprehensive due to impending delivery but YABVU with feeling like the MIL will be imposing on you. Be grateful you have a MIL who is helping out. She has just as much right not to feel rushed with a time limit placed on her to be up dressed and ready for you. Is this not more about your own insecurities of the limelight being taken away from you with the MIL being present. You have already asked for her not to visit with the DH and DD. How much more do you want to control the situation? Stop treating your MILS like outsiders. Marriage is about becoming part of an extended family, not it being a license for segregating your spouse from his family members. You live in your own home. How much more privacy and control do you already have to ensure you have quality family time with just your immediate family a majority of the time. A new arrival is a joyous occasion for all the family, not just for you and DH.
Remember those that are blessed with DS's will one day become MILS too. You may say now oh I won't be like my MIL etc. But you will feel less valued and appreciated if your future DILS pushed you out every time they had children treating you like an outsider who needs special permission or authority to be involved. Enjoy your birth, and feel blessed you have the support you do.

Your partner needs to stop smoking. Nothing he is doing minimises the risk to your children. If he cares he’ll stop. Likewise she can’t share with your mum because she’s a smoker and from what you’ve said sleeps like the dead. Fair enough if she wakes and crawls in for a cuddle. But to plan to sleep together is weird and unnecessary.

I think you could be more tolerant of your MIL but your about to have a baby so I imagine your tolerance levels are low. Ask your DH to collect her after dinner while you put your child to bed and make it clear to him that your both having an early night. Pop some books in her room to read

So happy enough to use her but not happy about anything else ?

Makes me wonder why some of you bother to marry the husband who , oddly, the MIL brought up well enough for you to fall in love with !

Poor MIL is probably as excited as your little nuclear family are !

Wow.

You don’t get over COPD, it’s a progressive condition. You can slow the progression but you can’t reverse it. Perhaps you are confusing your acronyms?
My mum has it, it made her early-caught lung cancer untreatable except for palliative care, however the consultant thinks the COPD will end her life before the lung cancer. He found a better way to say that than I just have.

I do think you need to let your MiL stay. But I also completely understand how you are feeling. I think the end of pregnancy, worrying about how you will cope with a baby and an older child, does funny things to your head.
I am not a tearful, emotional person on the whole. On the way down to the hospital to have DD2,I cried. For the daftest reason. I cried because I was worrying about DD1. All through the pregnancy she had been excited about being a big sister, I thought it would be good for her, but when it actually came to leaving her (with my parents, she was hardly home alone) I couldn't cope. Hormones, maybe. But I sobbed and sobbed because I was changing her life forever by bringing a sibling home and it would change our relationship and I was taking away loads of time that she and I had spent together because now there'd be an interloper....... Once Dd2 was born all I wanted to do was see DD1. Couldn't settle until I'd seen her. Missed her terribly. And yet Dd2 made such a swift appearance that I'd been apart form her for less than a school day!
You are being a bit unreasonable but last few days of being pregnant, mulling over the new arrival, hormones - it's understandable!

Thanks for replies. It has made me think about things from MIL perspective which I needed.My tolerance is low at the moment so your views have helped look at this another way.

Spoken to DH this morning. Agreed he will pick MIL up night before and we will all have dinner together. I am planning an early night but will just go up when I'm ready. It will be a lot less stressful than picking her up and trying to get her back and get to hospital for 9am.

I said i didn't see the need for the bed sharing and he has sort of come round on that. DH is half expecting I may go into labour overnight in which case he would be with me at hospital. For various reasons they won't let me go past 12 hours if the induction doesn't work. If DD wakes in night she may get into bed with MIL but i can live with that. She tends to go through anyway.

I think my biggest problem is DH smoking. Need to tackle that but don't know how. I can't control that. I can be kinder to MIL esp when I am not as anxious about birth/hormonal. I know she means well but I am a private person and she is the opposite. I'll work on it. She is not the horror like some I read about on here and I am thankful for that at least. No trying to move in next door or anything.

I think I may have it wrong with COPD as someone said. He hasn't got a progressive condition and isn't on oxygen.

@Bertrandrussell I can't stop laughing.

Op i think you're worried about loss of control over your own home with mil being there. Try to relax. Do let her know you need lots of peace and quiet to practise mindfulness or meditation via long hot soak to prepare yourself for induction. Or maybe your partner can explain this beforehand so she can tone it all down a bit.

Good luck!! and congratulations!

Pretty nice update there OP. Glad you've been able to take on board some of the comments!
Best of luck with the birth.

@lightdrizzle sorry to hear about your mum's cancer.

doinggreat you have hit the nail on the head. It is the loss of control that underlies all this. I hadn't realised how much of a control freak I was having lived on my own for so long before meeting DH. I have my ways of doing things and learning to be flexible has been a learning curve!!

greatduckcookery you made me well up by your nice comment after the general yabu ☺thank you

Btw MIL has called DH 4 times already this morning about arrangements 😂

I'd prepare your child for the night you're away in hospital as it's likely you'll be induced first through pessary which can take forever before the sintocin drip to start contractions (depending on your condition you mention) my induction took 1.5 days before going to EMCS - and that's not usual so go need to get granny /DD sorted before you go in
I'd dislike it if she can't hear and slept in the same bed as your child in case she rolls over her and she can hear your child. I'd also not be keen on the fumes she'll be exuding from her lungs whilst sleeping if she's a smoker
I also think that if you're relying on her you should invite her into your home as a welcome guest rather than an unwelcome inconvenience
Good luck i hope your induction goes well and relatively quickly