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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think 11 hours of hobby time in a weekend is actually a lot for a parent?

34 replies

FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 15:45

DH is grumpy because I just dragged him away from his hobby to spend some time with our toddler. I've just done the maths, he's had 11 hours of child-free hobby time over the course of the weekend, plus a child-free lie one morning, and an extra hour of chill time to himself each evening while I do bedtime, and an hour so he can shower.

I actually think that's a really good chunk of time over the course of a weekend considering we have a young child! AIBU?

OP posts:
VimFuego101 · 15/07/2018 15:46

YANBU, unless you got 11+ hours of hobby time too.

Beebiesandcheebies · 15/07/2018 15:46

No YANBU. Is it every weekend?

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 15/07/2018 15:47

Did you point out all those hours to him? Make sure you do so he can’t dispute it. Then you take the same next weekend.

NWQM · 15/07/2018 15:48

It’s a massive amount unless it’s a one off / once a month sort of thing.

bakedlikeabun · 15/07/2018 15:48

No parent gets an hour to shower.
Why is he not doing a bedtime? To make the point, could you nip off next weekend? I used to schedule random events in the calendar at the weekend (as timed events seem to happen more than just popping out) and go and sit in a cafe.

Cherubfish · 15/07/2018 15:48

YANBU at all! That is loads and if he doesn't even realise that, it implies that he is completely unappreciative of it. He needs to wake up.

OnlyBaBaBiss · 15/07/2018 15:49

Why are you doing all the bedtimes? And why is it taking him an hour to shower?
I can’t even comment on eleven hours if his hobby, I don’t have the words to explain how much that’s taking the piss

Does he ever spend time with his family?

LockedOutOfMN · 15/07/2018 15:50

Is this normal or is it a one-off?

DH and I have 2 hours of hobby time at the weekend as I go to sports' training while the DC do their own sports and DH goes for a run, all in the same park/leisure centre. Occasionally DH or I will then go off alone afterwards to meet a friend or do a specific errand, but more typically we go for lunch together or go home and make lunch there.

We will also go out for runs or to the gym during the week but this tends to be when DC are asleep and whoever is at home is just getting on with some work or relaxing so no one is missing quality family time.

11 hours is too much unless it's a one off.

trojanpony · 15/07/2018 15:54

Fucking hell
You are setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain with this.

for context, I’m childfree and spend 5-7 hours a week on my hobby
The rest of the time is laundry, food shop, cooking, tidying, friends and family.

He is taking the piss big style.

I would sit down have a proper chat and explain things need to change.
Start insisting on equal free time -so for every hour of child care you do he needs to do one for you and get to take a break/go out see friends/ lie in etc

theWarOnPeace · 15/07/2018 15:58

He’s taking the piss if it’s every week. But how normal is this? Between me and my DH we’ve had plenty of skiving weekends that balance through the year, where one of us is almost totally child free. The the rest of our time is totally balanced, and so are our trips and hobby/sport times.

SugarIsAmazing · 15/07/2018 16:01

Do you actually need your husband to have the toddler for a reason?
If you just want him to sit in with you when you're not actually doing anything then you're unreasonable, but if you actually have plans to do something then you're not.

Original poster
FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 16:04

Is it every weekend?

No it's not, we often travel to family/friends or have people stay or do family activities, this was specifically a relaxed weekend at home so we both got to chill and do hobbies etc.

I thought I had done really well in facilitating him having that much time to do things, he sees it differently.

I've also had a lie in one morning and then over the weekend 5 hours to myself. Which is why I thought it was reasonable to ask him to take toddler for few more hours before bedtime now. (And as I look after toddler all week I think it's important they get time together at the weekend).

OP posts:
AirForce0ne · 15/07/2018 16:07

It depends, that's barely 6 hours a day. Your problem is that I am guessing you haven't got the same amount of free time for yourself. It should be very roughly 50/50.

Is he one of these people that need strict plans to get involved? Some adults are useless if they are just staying home, and they genuinely believe they are not missing out on anything, because you are not doing anything.

Can you book something for yourself and tell him you will be doing your own hobby from next Saturday 9am to 3pm so he's with your child?

Audree · 15/07/2018 16:12

I wouldn’t count hours. It depends a lot on the circumstances. There were times when my dh stayed home with the kids during the day and worked night shifts, so I would have been ok with him having 11 h for a hobby.

I guess what would matter more than the number of hours would be: 1. how much time he regularly spends with his ds and 2. if I was capable of holding down the fort by myself ( if I had enough time for myself to be well rested).

Original poster
FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 16:16

Why are you doing all the bedtimes? And why is it taking him an hour to shower?

Bedtimes is not DH's choice - toddler won't settle for him at the moment, hopefully a phase, we are working on it.

And, the shower thing I have wondered about, but then decided some mysteries are not worth delving in a marriage. It's not every shower, just one a weekend of that length. It didn't bother me as long as I get an equivalent hour.

OP posts:
DrWhy · 15/07/2018 16:25

As a one off I think 11 hours is a lot but not totally unacceptable but I’d expect you to get the equivalent over the next weekend or two.
DH asked if I minded if he had half a day this weekend to work on his hobby so I got up with the toddler then took him swimming and then sat in the car while he napped - he got just about 4 hours in the end. He gets this more often than me but next weekend we’ve got a fairly full day out at a triathlon for me and although I’ll only actually be doing it for about an hour or so (it’s a very short one!) DH will also be supervising while I do all the other faff and frankly we will only be there because of me so I think that’s fair.

Original poster
FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 16:30

Do you actually need your husband to have the toddler for a reason?

Is lazing in the sunshine mumsnetting reason? I've also been fixing up shelves in the spare bedroom, reading in peace etc. Every bit as worthy as his hobby in my opinion!

OP posts:
Original poster
FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 16:36

It depends, that's barely 6 hours a day.

Or toddler is awake 12 hours a day, with two of us to split the time, surely 6 hours is good!? And that would be 6 hours total, he's had nearly 6 hours of hobby plus lie in, evenings and shower.

OP posts:
SanseL · 15/07/2018 16:37

Well, that's a long period of time to choose to have leisurely away from your child, almost 2 work days worth away over a weekend.

By choice aswell?!

That would make you almost wonder does he even miss or think of the child, doesn't he ever feel like spending the day with the kid?

That's very sad.

Original poster
FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 16:46

As a one off I think 11 hours is a lot but not totally unacceptable

To be clear I don't think him having 11 hours in unreasonable (I was happy with that!).

It's more, that I was expecting his response to be '11 hours of hobby in a weekend, that's amazing!' and his actual response was more 'ugh, barely any time this weekend for my hobby, how crap'.

I'm disappointed. Anyway, he's remembered he was going to come in to watch the football anyway, so he's cheered up a bit.

OP posts:
Trialsmum · 15/07/2018 16:58

What’s the hobby? Is it in or out of the house?

He does sound massively ungrateful but I’m not sure why you need to take turns to not have your toddler. Haven’t you had any family time this weekend?

applesisapple5 · 15/07/2018 17:07

If he was building a ship in a bottle and was called away at a crucial glue-drying moment then YABU
If it's gardening and he can easily drop the hoe and go then YANBU

Original poster
FlyingDandelionSeed · 15/07/2018 17:23

What’s the hobby? Is it in or out of the house?

It's woodworking - the kind with big dangerous power tools. He has a workshop at the end of the garden.

I’m not sure why you need to take turns to not have your toddler.

He needed time without the toddler to do his hobby, have a lie in, shower etc as outlined in my OP. I need time because I look after DC all week and most of the weekend so I deserve a break.

Haven’t you had any family time this weekend?

No. We have had plenty of whole weekends of family time recently, so one weekend without seems reasonable to me.

OP posts:
RedPanda2 · 15/07/2018 17:45

Why did you have to 'drag' him away? Doesn't he like spending time with you and his child

bakedlikeabun · 15/07/2018 17:57

Is he making anything useful? Trying to salvage something out of all that time!

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