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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so fricking lonely...

27 replies

purplelass · 15/07/2018 15:20

It's my own fault. While everyone else was making big groups of girl friends I was having to wrap my life around narcissistic ExH and after I kicked him out a few years ago I don't have any friends to spend fun times with like everyone else seems to have.
I've got a boyfriend but we don't live in each others pockets and I've already spent lots of the weekend with him.
All my family & friends live too far away to just pop round, it all has to be organised and planned (which we do!)
I just don't know how to build a group of friends when everyone is already established in theirs.
I sound so needy and desperate but honestly that's how I feel...

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 15/07/2018 15:26

Most people friendship groups stem from school, uni or their first jobs when they were still single. Is there any way you can reconnect with these people?

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 15:30

I'm still in touch with a few school friends, I could try to reconnect with on a more regular basis. Didn't go to uni though and have lost touch with old work friends thanks to ExH.
Thanks for the ideas though

OP posts:
Storm4star · 15/07/2018 15:33

Most people friendship groups stem from school, uni or their first jobs when they were still single

I wouldn’t necessarily agree with this. I have a wide circle of friends but none from the above groups. Mine have come from recent jobs, classes i’ve taken and people i’ve Got to know through hobbies.

AdaColeman · 15/07/2018 15:35

Have a look at the Meetup website for your area, lots of ways to make friends there as you will connect via shared interests.

Bumbledop · 15/07/2018 15:37

You’re not bu! I’m in the same boat here except it was a narcissistic friend who dumped me as soon as somebody else came along after years of friendship. This is what narcissists do, they’re clever and they isolate you from people. It took me a long time to realise what was going on and now bum excluded from the groups here. I feel for you Flowers

Bumbledop · 15/07/2018 15:37

Bum excluded!! Blush I’m excluded!!!!

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 15:41

Maybe I need a hobby then? Was contemplating netball, that could be a start.
I hadn't thought of Meetup, thanks AdaColeman Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 15:52

Bumbledop

Bum excluded lol that made me smile

Sorry you're going through this too. Narcissists should be made to wear a warning badge or something so they can't hurt anyone else...

OP posts:
LadyGrey66 · 15/07/2018 15:55

People make friends from all sorts of places, so while it’s common to have friends from school/uni etc, it doesn’t mean that you can’t meet them in other ways. I think the key if you’re feeling lonely OP is just to get out there and do things - if it turns outs to not be for you then you’ve lost nothing, but who knows who you could meet? Meetup is great, whole range of activities on there to suit most interests. What about joining a jogging group (usually v social) and there are often couch to 5k groups if you’re not already a runner? Are there any causes you’d like to volunteer for? I think loneliness can be a catch 22, because it often stops people from having the confidence to try new things/meet new people, which helps to decrease the loneliness. Good luck OP!

CheersMedea · 15/07/2018 15:58

Most people friendship groups stem from school, uni or their first jobs when they were still single. Is there any way you can reconnect with these people?

Like Storm4Star I really disagree with this. IME the only people still deeply wedded to school or univeristy friends as a group are the inadequate immature ones who never grew up! Usually the key to those group is the ones who were the "star" at that time and have not really amounted to much since so put a disproportionate amount of effort into maintaining that group because it makes them feel better to socialise with people who rate them. It always surprises me how quickly people revert to their historic "type" when interacting with school/university friendship groups in a very unhealthy way. The one who was shy (who now might run a company) falls into their shy role; the good looking quarterback falls into the Big I Am role. It's like it's so ingrained once they are back in their little social group they can't break out.

Anyway...OP - most people will grow different friendship groups from people they are seeing on a frequent basis not through choice - so work, hobbies, volunteering, at the school gates or because their children are friends.

The repeated contact is "forced" in that sense but it allows people to get to know each other so they then choose to take it into a friendship relationship with those they click with or have other reasons to be friends with. (A lot of notional friendships have a using each other symbiosis at core don't forget - even if it's just I like you because you listen to my problems or because you make me laugh or can pick up my kids once a week or will come with me to watch heavy metal bands and I don't know anyone else who will).

You need to get as many of these forced contact relationships into your life and work at asking those you like out for a coffee.

tierraJ · 15/07/2018 16:19

At the wedding I went to yesterday the bride was dancing with a group of friends she'd made at her Zumba class...

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 16:28

Yeah, I definitely need to get myself back out there, just a question of finding the confidence to do it.
Even if I don't find any new friends out of it hopefully I'll be too busy enjoying myself to care :)

OP posts:
387I2 · 15/07/2018 16:34

Someone wrote on a similar topic the other day, and started a FB group too. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/lone_parents/3300708-no-family-friends-or-partner

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 16:39

Thank you 387I2

OP posts:
juneau · 15/07/2018 16:44

I think people in couples tend to be unavailable at weekends unless it's a previously arranged get-together, because they can just hang out at home and do nothing together. What you need is some other single friends. Weekends can be hard when you're single and most of your friends are coupled up - so if you and your OH live apart and you're at a loose end you should try and meet some other singles or join some activities that happen at the weekends. What about seeing if there is anything going at your local leisure centre, or joining park run, check out Meet Up groups in your area, or get a dog - apparently that's a great way to meet people!

somanybloodysticks · 15/07/2018 17:03

Hey OP, I just wanted to say that its definitely not your own fault that you find yourself in this situation! Its your ex's fault, there is nothing wrong with you! I dont really have an answer but I wanted to add that lots of people who seemingly have friends might also be lonely, for lots of reasons. So, dont be put off trying to make friends with people who appear to already have friendship groups. If you click, you click! Oh, also, it depends what you are like, but I know a few people who have made really good friends through Instagram. That wouldnt work for me (Im quite lonely sometimes too, maybe for different reasons) but it defo has for them! Good luck Flowers

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 18:38

Awww... you lot are so lovely! Will you be my friends? Smile

OP posts:
GeorgeIII · 15/07/2018 18:51

Friendships develop slowly ime, so someone you work next to whom you get to know over a couple of years. Or someone on a training course with you, so you have this in common to start with.
I asked DS who he'd got to know other than uni friends, it was the people whose surnames put them next to him on his 6 weeks training before his latest job.If you ask people this happens a lot.
So it's not that you are boring/ unfriendly but that you need to be stuck beside someone long enough to really get to know them.
Hobbies are a good way. Neighbours? People walking their DCs to school when you are? Other dog walkers who you regularly meet? Classes? Also you have to risk being rebuffed which takes alot of courage imv.

tccat · 15/07/2018 19:51

There's a mumsnet spin-off group on Facebook called chuMNs for people in a similar situation op

MysteriousSheep · 15/07/2018 20:04

I joined a social netball league in January and it’s so fun! Really nice bunch of women on my team. We’ve had some good nights out too. Definitely recommend.
I think you make new friends by seeing people regularly, and then when you find ones you imagine you’d like to spend time with, make an effort eg invite out for coffee/walk/whatever activities you enjoy.
Good luck!

MereDintofPandiculation · 15/07/2018 20:11

Even if I don't find any new friends out of it hopefully I'll be too busy enjoying myself to care That's a good way to approach it! Friendships come more easily when you're not deliberately trying. And doing activities you enjoy means you meet other people who enjoy the same activities, so there's a bigger chance of finding a friend among them.

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 20:33

Found it! Thanks tccat

OP posts:
Birdshitbridgegotme · 15/07/2018 21:00

Where abouts are u ok?

Birdshitbridgegotme · 15/07/2018 21:05

I meant op!

Original poster
purplelass · 15/07/2018 21:24

Birdshitbridgegotme I'm in Berkshire

OP posts:
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