Hi everyone,
I'm really just looking for honest advice, I'm prepared it's going to be brutal because well, I've behaved terribly.
I've been with my partner 4 years now, previously I was in an 8yr relationship and got married very young. We split only 5 months after our wedding and that was down to me suddenly feeling trapped at such a young age I felt I needed to 'live a little'. It didn't help my husband wasn't the nicest of men and it worsened after we married.
I only had 6/7 months to find myself so to speak, being single for the first time in my adult life, before I met my now partner. I was reluctant as I knew I needed and wanted time on my own but I fell for him and here we are now 4yrs on. He literally is one of the best people I've ever met, not a bad bone in his body and so it breaks my heart tremendously to be doing and thinking what I am.
In the brief few months I was single I met a man but at that point he had a girlfriend. We had a few kisses and that was that, have kept in touch ever since though. Eventually I got with my now partner and he and his girlfriend split. It has always been this way that when he is single I am not and vice versa. In the past 3yrs though we have spent a few nights together (me being unfaithful every time), we have always continued talking but I was able to cut it off from 'real life' if you see what I mean. It didn't ever affect me or make me question my relationship. I was effectively having my cake and eating it. I was able to separate them. 100% wrong and awful I agree.
Fast forward to around March of this year, other man had since had a 1yr relationship and that ended. I met up with him after not seeing him for over a year, and that's when it all changed. His job requires him to be away anywhere between 2-6 weeks at a time, and when he is home it's for a few weeks at most. We have met and spent numerous nights together more or less every weekend he is home for the last 4 months. All this time my partner is unaware and it's absolutely awful I know you will all quite rightly flame me big time for my behaviour. The thing is, this time it is so different, we are almost like the same person me and him, we want the same things in future and are both so chilled out and want a laid back relationship if any at all. I have come to realise the live I am living with my partner is not for me. We are well off and very lucky with most things, however, I do not want to get married again and do not want children. My partner is desperate to be a father and he'd make the most amazing dad there is no doubt about that. My attitude and outlook on life has drastically changed and I just don't know what to do. My head is telling me to stay where I am, but my heart is being pulled the other direction. I want to make it clear I wouldn't be leaving my partner FOR the other man, but seeing him so often has made me realise what I really want and don't want. The other man has told me recently how he just can't find someone who 'compares' to me. He has dates every now and then as he should do being single, but never takes any of them further because they aren't me. We just have this connection and it's ALWAYS going to be him. It is so hard to explain. I feel like if I don't try this I'll forever regret it.
I have spoken to my partner recently about how I feel, he doesn't know there is potentially someone else, but I have told him I don't want marriage or children and can't see us going anywhere then. Our relationship is far from perfect and have in the past threatened to leave each other. I am now at the stage I am exhausted by it all and I just don't have the energy to sustain it. I have lost my affection towards him and he has definitely noticed. I have very little patience with him and it breaks my heart to be thinking this way. He deserves the world and I am clearly an awful person for having these feelings.
If we split my main concerns are we have 2 pets to be taken care of and we only bought our house in September so that would be a headache to sort out, but no marriage or children which is a relief.
Please if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice it is very welcome. I'm not sure what I am asking really as I fully expect to be told I'm a horrible waste of space and to own up and let my partner move on. I'm just also very scared of throwing away what we have. I guess I hoped I was just going through a phase and I'd get over it, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere this time.