When do you know it's over for good?

[hurtingbad4]

Hi everyone,

I'm really just looking for honest advice, I'm prepared it's going to be brutal because well, I've behaved terribly.

I've been with my partner 4 years now, previously I was in an 8yr relationship and got married very young. We split only 5 months after our wedding and that was down to me suddenly feeling trapped at such a young age I felt I needed to 'live a little'. It didn't help my husband wasn't the nicest of men and it worsened after we married.

I only had 6/7 months to find myself so to speak, being single for the first time in my adult life, before I met my now partner. I was reluctant as I knew I needed and wanted time on my own but I fell for him and here we are now 4yrs on. He literally is one of the best people I've ever met, not a bad bone in his body and so it breaks my heart tremendously to be doing and thinking what I am.

In the brief few months I was single I met a man but at that point he had a girlfriend. We had a few kisses and that was that, have kept in touch ever since though. Eventually I got with my now partner and he and his girlfriend split. It has always been this way that when he is single I am not and vice versa. In the past 3yrs though we have spent a few nights together (me being unfaithful every time), we have always continued talking but I was able to cut it off from 'real life' if you see what I mean. It didn't ever affect me or make me question my relationship. I was effectively having my cake and eating it. I was able to separate them. 100% wrong and awful I agree.

Fast forward to around March of this year, other man had since had a 1yr relationship and that ended. I met up with him after not seeing him for over a year, and that's when it all changed. His job requires him to be away anywhere between 2-6 weeks at a time, and when he is home it's for a few weeks at most. We have met and spent numerous nights together more or less every weekend he is home for the last 4 months. All this time my partner is unaware and it's absolutely awful I know you will all quite rightly flame me big time for my behaviour. The thing is, this time it is so different, we are almost like the same person me and him, we want the same things in future and are both so chilled out and want a laid back relationship if any at all. I have come to realise the live I am living with my partner is not for me. We are well off and very lucky with most things, however, I do not want to get married again and do not want children. My partner is desperate to be a father and he'd make the most amazing dad there is no doubt about that. My attitude and outlook on life has drastically changed and I just don't know what to do. My head is telling me to stay where I am, but my heart is being pulled the other direction. I want to make it clear I wouldn't be leaving my partner FOR the other man, but seeing him so often has made me realise what I really want and don't want. The other man has told me recently how he just can't find someone who 'compares' to me. He has dates every now and then as he should do being single, but never takes any of them further because they aren't me. We just have this connection and it's ALWAYS going to be him. It is so hard to explain. I feel like if I don't try this I'll forever regret it.

I have spoken to my partner recently about how I feel, he doesn't know there is potentially someone else, but I have told him I don't want marriage or children and can't see us going anywhere then. Our relationship is far from perfect and have in the past threatened to leave each other. I am now at the stage I am exhausted by it all and I just don't have the energy to sustain it. I have lost my affection towards him and he has definitely noticed. I have very little patience with him and it breaks my heart to be thinking this way. He deserves the world and I am clearly an awful person for having these feelings.

If we split my main concerns are we have 2 pets to be taken care of and we only bought our house in September so that would be a headache to sort out, but no marriage or children which is a relief.

Please if anyone has been in a similar situation or has any advice it is very welcome. I'm not sure what I am asking really as I fully expect to be told I'm a horrible waste of space and to own up and let my partner move on. I'm just also very scared of throwing away what we have. I guess I hoped I was just going through a phase and I'd get over it, but it doesn't seem to be going anywhere this time.

Gottagetmoving

Clearly this is a touchy subject for you

Nope,..it's not, so there is no need for you to be so patronising

Definitely not patronising. You just sound burned and angry.

Yes you would be leaving him for the other man. Ridiculous to claim otherwise, and lay off the whining self-flagellation.

Just get with this man and stop trying to dress it all up with trauma. You are just another cheat.

This is a no brainer really isn’t it? You don’t see a future with him, you want completely different things from life and you’re having regular sex with someone else. I’d say it’s 100% clear it’s ‘really over’. You just need to develop a backbone and do something about it.

mrsdesiree - I'm surprised you know I would be leaving him for the other man, as that's something I don't even know myself.

Yes what I have with him contributes to the way I'm feeling right now but for me it confirms that I ament as happy as I thought I was. If I was I wouldn't be doing what I'm doing, letting myself get closer with someone else. This isn't a case of me being head over heels and thinking the grass is greener on the other side, I am more than aware that's hardly ever the case. Like I said before, I'm losing patience with my partner and needing more and more time on my own. And that's what I am seeking right now - alone time, not time to spend with the other man. I don't feel you understand remotely what it is like to fall out of love with someone.

And regarding your 'self-flagellation' comment I think that's petty. I came on here looking for HONEST advice, which is what I have received from most. I was making it clear I was not expecting sympathy or even nice replies at all because I know it's 100% wrong. I didn't want to sugar coat it.

Definitely not patronising. You just sound burned and angry

What a bizarre thing to say! .....and even more patronising too!

you should be honest with your DP about everything. This is all so incredibly unfair on him given he has no idea what is going on. You have been unfaithful, you have “fallen out of love” and right now he’s the last person to know about it. Imagine if situations were reversed how you would feel. At least give him an ounce of respect and be honest and involve HIM in this.

It’s 4.30 in the morning I’ve hardly slept because of the pain in my little finger ..... so I come online to see if I can find out what it is ... and I find this post, I could cry !!! It’s not just me ... I’m not going mad !!!

I’ve had this pain for years, mostly the slightest knock ..... actually it doesn’t even have to be a knock it can be a slight brush sometimes ... to the finger causes excruciating pain, pain that takes your breath away and makes you want to cry and cut your finger off !!

It’s only on my right little finger, on the side just above my joint. The thing is it’s started to hurt now, not just after I knock it, like tonight it’s throbbing in tha one area and it’s painful enough to stop me sleeping.

Please please please ........ to any of you that have the same or similar thing, did you ever get it sorted !?!?

Oh I’m so sorry ..... I’ve posted in the wrong place ...I don’t know how I did that .... lack of sleep I think cries

hurtingbad4 I am probably old enough to be your mother so listen up
Cheating is wrong. It makes you feel like shit.
If you are not happy with your partner get yourself single. It doesn't have to be dramatic. Honesty it's worth its weight in gold. I am not saying you have to confess. But you can't carry on being a liar.

I don't feel you understand remotely what it is like to fall out of love with someone

I expect most of us have been there at one time of another. Generally though you can work out what's going on without repeatedly shagging someone else to prove it.

My honest opinion OP, I think you have commitment issues, starting with the 5 month marriage and onwards to what sounds like a catalogue of short term peripheral relationships that you went into knowing they weren't sustainable. It could be down to your background, upbringing or whatever.

If I were you, I'd try some counselling to get to the bottom of it, so you can move forward from behaviour which seems to be preventing you from finding a way of life that gives you contentment. Your post sounds restless and unresolved. You could end up feeling lonely and isolated over the long term "if you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got".

'Make the life you want' is so true.

Leave and just be you for a while.

Gottagetmoving

Definitely not patronising. You just sound burned and angry

What a bizarre thing to say! .....and even more patronising too!

It's not. I don't patronise. It's how you are taking it.

I'm not going to judge you for the cheating, because glass houses and stones etc (I wish I were morally upstanding and beyond reproach in that regard but I'm not!). The thing that stood out for me was the kids thing. He wants kids and you don't. There is no way around that.

Thanks fabala

Yes the kids thing is pretty much make or break for any relationship, it's a life changing thing and I've always believed it's something he was put on this earth to do! Everyone says it about him. Since having a talk he has said that if I don't want children then he accepts that, which I don't believe he does deep down. And why should he. I just can't take this away from him especially going by my behaviour.

I've had a horrendously rough day to-ing and fro-ing with my emotions. Non stop tears. I love him so so dearly the thought of him knowing all this breaks my heart into pieces. But what he loves (me and us together) is essentially a lie so when he does find out I know he'll no longer feel that way, which will give me some closure because he will be free to find what he deserves.

It's not. I don't patronise. It's how you are taking it

And THAT applies to your response to my other posts!

Today 18:12 Gottagetmoving

It's not. I don't patronise. It's how you are taking it

And THAT applies to your response to my other posts!

I've only read your original post. Fuck what you want or don't want, do what's in BOTH your best interests and leave your partner NOW. You clearly don't love or respect him. Don't tell him you've cheated on him though, just tell him it's not going anywhere as you don't want kids and he does.

Raffles1981

You know where you can shove that. 😎

The OM is playing you. Not prepared do commit to you? That's because he sees you as a FWB. And I'd bet my mortgage he's got other women just like you wherever it is he "works away" and I bet he's spinning them the same lines too.

If you're not happy with your DP then end it. But give over on all this soul mate Great Love shit.

I agree with Raffles (and other posters but Raffles said it first). Leave this relationship OP, that way you get to be happy and your partner gets to find somebody else that he can be happy with also.

You want fundamentally different things. You don't have children and don't want them, your partner does. Tell him, just say that you don't see your futures running along the same lines and that you want to end the relationship. I don't see the need to hurt him with the information about your cheating, he doesn't know and, if the relationship is over anyway then he doesn't need to know.

You matter, as Raffles said. So does your partner. You can both be happy again, just bite the bullet and end this now.

I’m not sure I agree with just telling him it’s over and not being honest about the cheating. It will be harder for the OP, but in my opinion will make it easier for her soon to be ex because it will likely make him so angry that it will ultimately be an easier break and easier for him to move on

I have had a rough past with my marriage a few years ago and I think it has set me up for failing when it comes to love. When it gets too serious or the mention of marriage and babies comes along I flee. Not ideal but it's the way I am.

Well, I was with the majority until you posted this, OP. I think you're running away from a good thing for complicated reasons you're nowhere near getting to the bottom of. It doesn't have to be 'the way you are'. Don't leave your DH until you've committed some time to therapy and understand your motivations better. There's a huge backstory here that maybe even you don't fully appreciate. And cut things off with the OM. He's using you and your insecurities to shore up his own.

You’ve pretty much admitted that you know it’s not working and you want to leave so that’s what you need to do. Would you feel the same if there was no other guy? Or if he ended it with you and you left your DP and were alone?

Your current partner is not making you happy. You need more and he deserves more. You may love him but you are cheating on him and can't see a future with him. End it for those reasons and not the other man.

Perhaps you have commitment issues. Definitely sounds as if you feel the grass is greener - who knows. Perhaps you need to be single, to live alone and discover who you are and what you want. Maybe consider a bit of relationship counselling.

I think the other man is a red herring. Both of you are fixated on the drama of wanting to be together but circumstances keeping your 'great love' apart. He sees other women but they aren't me - he sees other women because he wants to. I doubt if you will ever really trust each other. There are three elements to your assignation and once you take away the drama you are left with the two of you who can be together whenever and wherever you want - be prepared for it to peter out.