“It’s not fair” AIBU DS needs to suck it up

[AtSea1979]

DS (just turned 13) has recently started having almighty tantrums. Lots of shouting and crying, gets sent to his room (to calm down) and yelling “it’s not fair” and other things like “DD doesn’t have to do it” “you are just sat around” etc in response to me asking him to help with small jobs etc.
For context, DS has stopped looking after his things so I’m telling him off for the latest ripped bag, lost trainers, broken drinks bottle, hoarding dirty clothes etc. Anything that seems like I’m criticising and he goes off on one. Also DD (younger) is currently unwell and needs lots of help. I’m a single parent and I expect DS to be more helpful, to tidy up after himself and help around the house as I’m exhausted.
Is there anything I can do to show him his life is very fair and he is being unreasonable? Do I lower my expectations? Though I feel I’ve tried this and things haven’t improved I just end up doing more and he gets lazier.

Hmmmm sounds like a typical teenager to me. I have a DS the same age, and he’s turned from being a happy and pleasant child to a snarling sulky teen.
I expect my DS to look after his stuff, put his dirty clothes & sports kit in the washing basket, keep his room tidy and move plates back into the kitchen once he’s eaten. I don’t think these things are unreasonable, but he does sometimes 🙄. I think the hormones just send them into a rage now & again. I send him to his room to cool off now & again. It seems to work.

Ah, Kevin has arrived in your house, has he?

Harsh, but stop doing anything for him and he’ll soon learn how ridiculous he’s being and how much you do for him.

Sounds like a severe attack of the Kevins. No cure, only time.

Treat by generally ignoring, with humour when needed, and consistent messages that he still needs to pull his weight and look after his stuff otherwise he'll be paying for replacements.

Tell him to stop deflecting. He needs to take responsibility for his own behaviour, not try to stop you focusing on it by pointing elsewhere.

‘It is entirely reasonable to expect you to do x, y, and z. You will do x, y and z and if you don’t do x, y and z then sanctions a and b will happen. No, we’re not talking about DD or me, or your mates, we’re talking about you and your behaviour, you’re 13 and in good health and therefore you will do x, y and z’.

Sounds normal. This is the age I don't buy them super decent stuff because there's just no point if it's going to get left somewhere or wrecked within weeks.

You say his sister is unwell? Is he getting enough time with just you it has it turned into a you always on his back (in his opinion)?

Meet his tantrums with a quiet tone. Tell him you don't want to be unfair to him so if he could please tell you how you're being unfair?

Does he get pocket money? If so, tie it to his chores. If he doesn't look after his things, he has to replace them from his own money. Make sure he knows how to use the washing machine too. Show him how to sort a load, measure the detergent etc. When he starts doing these things independently, praise him. Where possible don't go to war with him. The changes in a teens brain at this point perceive everything as an assault. So don't tell him off, instead do what you can to give him the skills to manage himself

The damaged stuff and attitude could also be due to difficulties at school. So do check that.
I would try for a carrot and stick approach if you can. yes make sure he pulls his weight, but also remember he needs time and attention too.

Sounds like my partner. I'm in his flat at the moment and when I try and tidy up and keep the place nice he gets an enormous strop on because its interrupting his gaming. Makes me wanna scream

he needs time and attention from you, particularly if you are concentrating on his sister a lot of the time. Plan some outings that are just him and you

If your boyfriend acts like an immature, entitled teenager bsbabas then maybe you should scream, or better yet go find a grown up to have a relationship with. Wtf are you sorting out his flat whilst he plsys and strops?

We joke that when teen DS dies "it's not fair" will be inscribed on his tomb stone.

Another one we hear alot is "it's not my fault".

Could also be end of term tiredness, is he growing, especially shoe size?
I think you need to remain calm when he has a strop but also lots of praise when he does something well.
My ds has bouts of this and usually its a combination of us all being tired and him going through a growth spurt.
It is tough being 13, would not go back to that age for anything!

@bsbabas, why on earth are you putting up with that in a partner?

‘Life is not fair.’ I’d tell him that, every single time. It’s a fact of life and the earlier he learns to accept it, the better.

‘Doing a few chores is not a hardship.’

‘You are older, your sister is unwell, and I need your help to manage things well in this house.’

‘Would you like me to write out a list of everything I do to keep this house running and to keep a home for us, food on the table, clean clothes in your closet and looking after you and your sister?’

‘In this family, we each do what we can to keep things together and running well. I expect you to contribute.’

Most of all, don’t allow his outbursts to drive your policies. Allow him to verbalise his frustrations (Kevin-style is fine, IMO, as long as he’s not actually rude or disrespectful to you), but calmly insist that he still does what you asked him to do. And also make sure that his sister is made to do what she is capable of as well.

Yep the “Kevin stage”. Combined with the bottomless pit stage ( never stop eating) it’s hard work. DS is 13 and we are going through this stage. I have resorted to using food as a reward to get him to do anything. When they are in the full on growth spurt they can double their food intake and I suspect that a lot of anger comes from being continuously hungry.

And very importantly, no, absolutely do not lower your expectations!

Kids do this at school all the time too. ‘Stop talking Billy’ ‘But Johnny was talking too and you’re not telling him off’. It’s to distract you from the main goal which is a discussion of and an amendment to his behaviour. Don’t fall for it.

Extreme poverty and illness.

Extreme poverty and illness.

Assuming I've understood this correctly, the next question has to be does being with this man make you less poor or more healthy?

Have you tried laughing him out of it? E.g. "Yes, it's so unfair that your laundry slave won't go and pick up your dirty clothes herself", "Yes, how unfair to be asked to wash the plate you've just eaten off, you poor poor dear".

DS has stopped looking after his things so I’m telling him off for the latest ripped bag, lost trainers, broken drinks bottle, hoarding dirty clothes

I would check he wasn't being bullied OP. If he always looked after his stuff before, these can be signs of bullying. Damaged or lost possessions I mean.

What I would do about his clothing is stop telling him off every time, but don’t buy him any more. Or scale down the cost - if he protests that he wants nicer or branded stuff explain calmly that it’s a waste of money to buy him things that he does not look after.

It’s about placing the responsibility for natural consequences to his actions where it belongs - with him.

Most teenagers are actually quite reasonable underneath everything, they just get a bit Kevin-like on the outside. The important thing is to stay firm, do NOT compromise your expectations, and treat him like a grown up version of himself, not like the pseudo-toddler he’s acting like.

So lets get this straight, you want us to tell you how to put an old head on young shoulders? Hmm, let me see ....!!

PS - Could bsbabas start her own thread?

On no account let your 13 year old use the washing machine ! Too much scope for damage.
I produced a "Summer Contract" for my DD when things got a bit edgy. I listed 5 things I could reasonably be expected to do for her (wash clothes that were in the pile, provide meal most days, basic stuff) and a list of 5 things that I expected her to do. I think they were- take dirty cups & plates back to the kitchen (from bedroom), leave dirty clothes where I can find them, clean bath after you use it. It worked for us, although I did have to reprint it the second year. Good point above about the ripped clothes etc being possible bullying at school.