In laws getting older.

[hungryhippo90]

Sorry posting for traffic.

The in laws are progressing in age, DFIL is 71 next month, he has diabetes, recently been diagnosed with cancer, his knees are knackered but they can’t operate because of his blood sugar levels and now the cancer. Since this time last year he’s had 2 mini heart attacks, been in hospital with an advanced urine infection which lead to him having the tests which diagnosed him with cancer, now he’s in hospital with Cellulitis which wasn’t being cleared up with antibiotics so he’s currently being given them by IV. He’s been in a pretty sorry state for a while. He has other issues, he can’t read or write. He’s also recently just got a blue badge. Walking anywhere is very hard for him, he swings from side to side as he walks.

MIL is much younger, she’s had extremely sore and swollen legs/ankles over the past 4-5 years which has got progressively worse until she can only find shoes In rare places- even the biggest widths are too small, her legs are much bigger than mine through swelling and fluid despite me being several stones larger, she also has knee problems, I believe she has osteoporosis. She’s had problems with her legs but we’ve recently noticed that she too is struggling. She can’t walk the 350 yards to work, and relies on lifts which I didn’t know until yesterday, or she can’t work. I took a good look at her and realised that she’s actually in a bit of a state herself, she also kind of wobbles instead of walks.

I’m getting very concerned about them.

I’m not in contact with my mum, and my mother in law has kind of taken over as mum since.

We are doing all we can, we’re literally running to and from the village the in laws live in, 2-3 times a day when FIL is in hospital, which of course we don’t mind, we do shopping whenever we know they need anything.

I just don’t know what to do.

My mother in law has told me if she could she would now give up work because she’s in so much pain being on her feet 4 hours a day. I can understand why as she says her toes feel like they’re on fire due to the swelling and fluid on her feet. Is there any help they may be entitled to? I want to check this, as we’re just at the point where we’re really realising that some changes need to be made because they’re both struggling, MIL is only in her 50s so quite concerning as I know she intended to work until retirement age, and they have £0.0 savings.

Onto the next thing, I have thought that maybe part of keeping them feeling like they are still independent, might setting up a regular weekly shop be the best thing for them so even if FIL can’t drive they have their shopping come, I know they try to hide when they need extra food but we got a call on Tuesday at half 6 from FIl who said he had no food in the house and couldn’t drive. So we went shopping and took some bits for them, whilst there I looked at FIl and said he needed to get seen by a dr fairly quickly as he had obviously got worse. This is unlike them, now he’s in hospital.

Mil isn’t used to being on her own. Can anyone please recommend anything I might be able to use security wise, with abilities for lights and tv to be switched on whilst she’s out so it doesn’t look like she’s not there as when FIL is in hospital mil is out till fairly late.

I don’t even know if it’s worth recommending they sell up and move a bit closer as we’re still 20 minutes from them on clear roads.

I’ve no idea what to do, what do people do in these situations?

I’m kind of thinking we need to look into our finances, see what fat we can trim between their bills and ours to ensure they are ok.

I feel badly for you but I'm 45 and to think of myself in less than ten years as needy as your MIL is outrageous. Obviously she has a painful condition but is she getting treatment? Why is it not improving?

You say you think she has osteoporosis but she needs a diagnoses surely? She would probably get some kind of benefit if she does...but as you know, the benefit's system isn't very good at the moment.

She needs a diagnoses and if she does have something bad enough to warrant benefits then they should also qualify for a carer.

I would ask MIL to see the doctor asap and get a proper diagnoses.

Do you work? Do you want to be their carer? You are heading that way anyway it seems. Have you never heard of those timer plugs you can get that makes appliances come in at a certain time?

Could they not move really close to you? I think that would be a good idea. Online shopping also helpful, at least for basics.

An appointment at the CAB with MIL might help tease out her options?

Also go to the gP with her, make a double appointment and ask for an overview of everything with a view to improved treatment?

She could perhaps declare herself disabled? Could they find her a perching stool at work or a sit down job?

Also the diabetic specialist nurse with FIL - why aren't his sugars under control? Is there anything to be done about that?

Has your MiL

Has your MiL been to the dr? That’s not a normal state of affairs at her age and needs treating.

I would contact age concern, they are helpful and would have a local branch.
I would speak to their GP put you or your DH as their registered career- if one of them ends up in hospital they will contact you
I would think about power of attorney for health- it forces you to discuss plans which would be helpful
There is lots out there that can help. I would ask GP referral for Occupational Therapy who can look at house and see if any adaptations can be made. Maybe also call your local adult social care and ask for an assessment of need.

Are they/can they look into claiming PIP? At least mobility part? Your FIL may be above the upper age limit but I would imagine if your MIL is of working age she might be entitled?

They or she will ultimately have to sell and move to somewhere more suitable. Another issue is when you say they have £0.0 savings (apart from the value of the house, presumably). You could look into what options are available closer to your home.

Would you be in a financial position to move so they had an annexe to your house. This would obviously depend on your relationship with them.

Where we live there is over 55s housing which is cheaper to buy then the normal housing and they are all flats or bungalows.

Your father in law should be able to Attendance allowance
Just get the form ASAP as it’s back dated
Get a copy of his prescriptions
Get a letter from his doctor outlining his mobility problems / health problems if you can
Any letters that you have from the clinics
Go to copy and send
Explain that he needs help both night and to dress / walk can’t go outside on his own due to his Mobilty
And photocopy his blue badge and send that as well as that proved he has mobility problems
The blue badge will probably swing it to get high rate AA which is worth £82 a week
If your mother in law is working she will find it very hard to claim PIP

One of the first questions they ask is do you work and what sort of work do you do both on the form and in person
It’s not impossible but very hard if working
Get your mother in law to the doctor. He might be able to sign her off sick and she could claim ESA

Sorry I’ve not been very clear, MIL has been to the dr and diagnosed with something, they say she has something which in my mind was osteoporosis, but drs have finally said that this wouldn’t be the reason for the swelling, they had her on water retention tablets and tablets for the thyroid which they hoped would help but they’ve just started to take it more seriously as MILhas started pushing them. Until now she’s been far too polite.

MIL is in a sorry state considering that she is only in her 50s just for information purposes, there was a condition I found online which was where women had painful swelling of the legs and ankles and the swelling was quite extreme- I can’t remember the name now (between remembering conditions they both have in becoming unable to remember much else!) but the drs tested for that and it wasn’t. She has such severe pitting on her knees she has to wear quite thick trousers all year round. It’s quite sad because she isn’t the largest lady in the world, there’s five stone between us and taking that into account I have fairly large legs, but hers are easily double the size of mine which rings serious alarm bells to me.

In regards to FIls blood sugars, he is under the diabetic nurse, and is in a lot of medication, intact I believe that they took metformin away (it could’ve been the other medication for diabetes!) and swapped it for something else as it wasn’t working. FIL has been found stashing familysized bags of sweets in his car when he goes out, and refuses to give up some of his carbs 1/3rd plate is chips/rice/potato or bread. They won’t listen, as long as they have Veg they think it’s healthy, which is another worry.

I’d like to reccommend they move closer, I think it would be best for them to be closer for next time, FIL has been unable to drive 5/6 times this year, so makes sense for them to be closer to the hospital- and in better stead to be placed in a hospital for inpatient care that they like cos they’re currently between 2 hospitals and last year an ambulance took FIL to the further away not as good hospital (just to be clear we live opposite the hospital they like so would make it very simple for us to help more.

Selling their house will be the hardest thing to talk them into, but it would be best for them I think. They’ve had some adaptions and have been approved for some in their house, but neither can really tackle the stairs, even with 2 stair rails, the bathroom changes are making a difference, but I see them struggling with the stairs and if they were on the one level life would be better. Plus they’d have some money to help meet their expenses so they’d stop worrying so much this allowing MIL to stop work.

I can’t see MIL being allowed a stool for work.

Also I have heard of the devices that turn things on and off, but I’m unsure about how they work or what they’re called or where to get them from... I knew about them when I was a child and didn’t hear about them for years. I know there’s some hive ones out but MIL wouldn’t use those because she would say they’re confusing

I think I’ve got there and answered everhfhing!

Thanks guys, we’re only young- wasn’t really expecting this until we were in our 40s, until last year FIL was a bit knackered and a bit fat but doing just fine, and MIL had the swelling of her legs and a bit of back pain but on the whole they were managing life a lot better than now, their health has truly gone downhill so fast. I didn’t expect this to advance as quick as it has, then when it did for a while we thought it was just a short term sort of situation but sadly it’s looking like this is going to be the permanent state of affairs.

Good news, price differences between their house and a nice bungalow down the road from us (ok about 5 minutes!) is about £75k. That could make a huge difference to them both financially, and they’d always go to the hospital they like, and no more 20 minute trips getting down the stairs to the toilet in the night as it requires going up and down the stairs.

Now I just have to talk to MIL about it. I know she’s thought it recently.

Poor them, it sounds like you all are having a bit of a rough time. Can your FIL not read and write because of his physical condition or because he never learnt to?

There is a great topic here called ‘Elderly Parents’ where very knowledgeable posters give great advice. Maybe you’ll find more help there? X

I can’t see MIL being allowed a stool for work.

Sorry if I've missed this but what type of work does she do?

She can get a fit to work note from her GP saying that she can work but must be allowed to sit down.

FIL never learnt to, in his time if you didn’t pick it up you were just put to the back of the room.

Ooh I’ll have to see if I can find that- I’ve not really paid attention- what with PILS being relatively young I didn’t think this would be coming for quite a while yet!

Your PILs have an awful lot to contend with but fortunately they have your support. Would MIL allow you or DH to attend a doctor's appointment with her? It's sounds like she needs some to listen and advocate for her.

Similar with FIL, as he is currently in hospital your DH needs to ask for the hospital social worker to be involved in his discharge plan.
Request an assessment under the Care Act for both of them. There may be help available including benefits and practical help, getting an assessment is a good place to start.

Your PILs sound very vulnerable, please don't hesitate to ask for help for them.

PIP isn't means tested so she should be able to work.
If your MIL has a disability then her employer should make the necessary adjustments to accommodate her needs.

PIP isn't means tested so she should be able to work.
If your MIL has a disability then her employer should make the necessary adjustments to accommodate her needs.

Has the condition lasted for a year so far though? You need it to have lasted for at least a year or for doctors to agree that it will last for at least a year both to be eligible for PIP and to get protection from discrimination on the grounds of disability under the Equality Act. I'm not clear how long it's lasted and doctors might be unwilling to say it will last for at least a year if they are still trying to diagnose/treat tge fluid retention issues.

Can people who are illiterate drive? I would have thought you need to be able to read road signs etc. You do have a lot on your plate. Hope the bungalow idea comes off.

Firstly your inlaws are young to be having such complex health problems. I am 46 and my parents, inlaws, friends parents are all 70 or approaching. None have these health problems. I am sorry your FIL is having such a rough time.
I think firstly either you or your H need to go to Dr with MIL when she next has an appointment and find out what is going on. Hopefully she can get treatment and be more mobile. Maybe get in touch with social care and ask for an assessment for FIL? They maybe entitled to help?
Moving them closer could be difficult. FiL may live for another 10-20 years and your MIL longer? Are you prepared to commit to looking after them for that long? I would be looking to encourage their independence for as long as possible while getting them as much help as possible and help with the health problems.

Your FIL is definitely eligible for Attendance allowance. It is not means tested and I think cancer patients are fast tracked

Francis- Please don’t mention this post to her- if she is my MIL then she would be furious id asked online for help for them! - we have no problem with helping them, just want to help make life as easy to manoeuvre through as possible.

I will see about things like assessments today, as I am a little more involved with helping DHs parents than he is.

Will also apply for pip for both of them. If you see them there’s no doubt that they have quite severe mobility needs. I think all of the movement as she walks comes from her knees because she can’t actually move her feet and ankles due to the swelling.

Sorry lots of questions as I replied to the last ones!

Yes the swelling has been bad for years, more so over the past 5 or 6, progressively got worse of the past few years and recently again, I can’t see it really getting much better as it’s been so bad for so long.

They must be able to, FIL has always had a driving licence.

We are attempting to put into place any changes that will make life more manvouverable for them whilst keeping their independence, if they’re closer to us it means that I’ll be able to help out as much/more without killing an hour (two if they’re in the further away hospital!) each time I have to see them just travelling.
Will definitely attend appointments if they let me, but I’m really happy that this post has actually provided lots of pointers that’ll help us to achieve what I’m setting out with the intention of doing. A few changes like actually knowing what they’re entitled to help wise and financial wise, living in a more appropriate property, having the ways of ensuring food is in the house, I’m sure we will have some things to overcome, but I don’t see any of us having much of a choice, I can’t just leave them in the lurch, they’re more like parents to me than PILs, we’re closer than most daughter in laws are to their husbands parents.

Thank you, I’ll also get the ball rolling with attendance allowance.

Thank you all, I think this could be really productive to getting them in a situation that they/we can deal with.

Will also apply for pip for both of them.

FIL won't be eligible for PIP as the maximum age for new claims is 65. I agree with PP though look at Attendance Allowance for him if he has care needs (nb AA is on the basis of care needs and there is, unlike PIP, no mobility component. I understand the reasoning for this is basically that people should expect limited mobility when they are elderly and plan ahead for it...) or if the cancer is diagnosed terminal with less than six months to live.

If FIL does get AA then MIL may be able to claim Carer's Allowance to look after him. Look into PIP for her too but as mentioned above her condition needs to have lasted for a year or be likely to last for that long.

If they do get awarded any benefits then look into any passports benefits that arise as a result (eg council tax reduction etc). They could ask CAB to do a full benefits check to make sure they claim everything they are entitled to.