In laws getting older.

[hungryhippo90]

Sorry posting for traffic.

The in laws are progressing in age, DFIL is 71 next month, he has diabetes, recently been diagnosed with cancer, his knees are knackered but they can’t operate because of his blood sugar levels and now the cancer. Since this time last year he’s had 2 mini heart attacks, been in hospital with an advanced urine infection which lead to him having the tests which diagnosed him with cancer, now he’s in hospital with Cellulitis which wasn’t being cleared up with antibiotics so he’s currently being given them by IV. He’s been in a pretty sorry state for a while. He has other issues, he can’t read or write. He’s also recently just got a blue badge. Walking anywhere is very hard for him, he swings from side to side as he walks.

MIL is much younger, she’s had extremely sore and swollen legs/ankles over the past 4-5 years which has got progressively worse until she can only find shoes In rare places- even the biggest widths are too small, her legs are much bigger than mine through swelling and fluid despite me being several stones larger, she also has knee problems, I believe she has osteoporosis. She’s had problems with her legs but we’ve recently noticed that she too is struggling. She can’t walk the 350 yards to work, and relies on lifts which I didn’t know until yesterday, or she can’t work. I took a good look at her and realised that she’s actually in a bit of a state herself, she also kind of wobbles instead of walks.

I’m getting very concerned about them.

I’m not in contact with my mum, and my mother in law has kind of taken over as mum since.

We are doing all we can, we’re literally running to and from the village the in laws live in, 2-3 times a day when FIL is in hospital, which of course we don’t mind, we do shopping whenever we know they need anything.

I just don’t know what to do.

My mother in law has told me if she could she would now give up work because she’s in so much pain being on her feet 4 hours a day. I can understand why as she says her toes feel like they’re on fire due to the swelling and fluid on her feet. Is there any help they may be entitled to? I want to check this, as we’re just at the point where we’re really realising that some changes need to be made because they’re both struggling, MIL is only in her 50s so quite concerning as I know she intended to work until retirement age, and they have £0.0 savings.

Onto the next thing, I have thought that maybe part of keeping them feeling like they are still independent, might setting up a regular weekly shop be the best thing for them so even if FIL can’t drive they have their shopping come, I know they try to hide when they need extra food but we got a call on Tuesday at half 6 from FIl who said he had no food in the house and couldn’t drive. So we went shopping and took some bits for them, whilst there I looked at FIl and said he needed to get seen by a dr fairly quickly as he had obviously got worse. This is unlike them, now he’s in hospital.

Mil isn’t used to being on her own. Can anyone please recommend anything I might be able to use security wise, with abilities for lights and tv to be switched on whilst she’s out so it doesn’t look like she’s not there as when FIL is in hospital mil is out till fairly late.

I don’t even know if it’s worth recommending they sell up and move a bit closer as we’re still 20 minutes from them on clear roads.

I’ve no idea what to do, what do people do in these situations?

I’m kind of thinking we need to look into our finances, see what fat we can trim between their bills and ours to ensure they are ok.

The easiest thing for lights is just a timer plug, we use one for our fish tank for holidays.

If your MIL is only in her fifties, I would be doing my best to signpost her to the help she needs so she can look after herself and her husband as independently as possible.

Was it lumphodema that she was checked for? It does sound a lot like that. www.nhs.uk/conditions/lymphoedema/

I think claiming benefits for FIL and getting your MILs health sorted out should be a priority. The doctors should be taking this much more seriously. In the meantime, could she be moved onto other duties at work? Use compression stockings to make her more comfortable?

Your FIL should be eligible for attendance allowance. It is a huge form but worth it once done.

Do it with him. My Mum kept putting ‘yes’ to questions rather than ‘no’, ‘yes’ as in ‘i can almost manage, but it takes 20 mins, causes a lot of pain and my Dd eventually has to come to the rescue’.

Look on your council website under Adult Care.

They can use the money to pay for any kind of care, a cleaner, someone to take them shopping or help with getting dressed, showering etc.

Do book an appointment with Age Cjncetn

Hm. Your MIL's swollen legs do make me worry about her heart, but I'm not a doctor and only have the vaguest idea. I'm sure her GP will consider that.

Agree that it's shocking your mil is only in her 50s and in such poor health. I think attending the appointments may reveal some positive changes that might feel almost impossible to her in her current state but with your support perhaps could be managed.

I'd suggest you post on Elderly Parents - there's a lot of support there.

As FIL has cancer, your first stop should be phoning the Macmillan benefits line.

Sadly it doesn't sound as if either of your ILs lead healthy lifestyles and the likelihood is that they aren't about to now. My experience with elderly parents and ILs is that you have to accept them as they are and not try to parent them - that route is doomed to failure. So much as you might like them to radically change their diet, and you know it would improve their health and make them live longer, you have to accept their own choices.

Going to appointments if you can is also great - what they tell you happened 'they don't know what's going on', 'dr said it's fine for me to eat 10 doughnuts a day' and what really happened are often 2 different things and it can put your mind at rest or at least know what you need to be prepared for.

OP, a DiL like you is a really refreshing change around here. Hats off to you.

Has your MiL's heart been investigated? Swollen legs are a classic symptom of heart disease. I do hope you can make it happen to move them closer to you. If you approach them with the love and concern you've shown here, they'll know that anything you suggest is with their best interests at heart.

I hate online diagnosis but that level of edema usually indicates a heart problem - quite simply the fluid isn't being pumped away. The GP sounds next to useless. Once edema reaches the knee it's a serious cause of concern, my DH is immediately taken into hospital and has IV diuretics.

while PIP is supposed to be a in work benefit as such it’s really really hard to get if your working .
The fact the MIL works will pretty much contradict all the questions on the form . It can be done but you really do need to know your stuff and get support from somewhere to fill out the form .

But if you do fill out the form remember it’s not about the illness disability as such only how it affect you day to day life .

I have had two friends this week who were on DLA for life been refused PIP when being transferred over to PIP
Both are registered blind one has been since 10 years old . - just to point out how crazy the system

You’re MIL would be better off being signed off sick then applying for ESA or even applying for careers allowance for her husband if he gets income support
Look at a website called cosy feet for shoes for them my dad has had ODEMA. And had to spend a week in hospital having the fluid drained off his legs
Cosy feet do amazing slippers and shoes for people with really swollen feet and legs. . I bought my dad a pair and it’s made a massive difference for his mobility
If they don’t want to move ten look into a stair life my parents has one and it’s bloosy brilliant it cost about £1800 fitted but it’ allow them to go up and down the stairs safely
My parents also get food delivered from Wiltshire Foods and then I top them up with bread and milk teas and coffee every few days

Also if they don’t have a will get one sorted out
Mumblchum on here is a excellent for writing wills and stuff and did my parents last year

Sorry just an update, with MIL right now. Yes is was lymphodema she was tested for- I had it in my mind it was lymphoma which I’m sure is a type of cancer,

Mild MILS
The test for that was negative, but a specialist she has recently seen says it appears as such so I don’t know where we stand with

It is also osteoporosis- bi lateral apparently according to the letter from her most recent appointment the knee is limited to 100 degrees of movement (I think that’s what it means!)

Moving to the bungalow near you would obviously be a big improvement for lots of reasons but be careful you don't fall into being their full time carer for the next 20 years - do you have children of your own to look after too?
MIL needs help to deal with her health issues rather than just accepting them - if it's that bad she should probably be signed off work - what does she do? Attending appointments is a must - you sound very confused about what they might or might not have wrong with them and what the right treatment is - they need somebody to push for answers

hungryhippo are you sure it isn't osteoarthritis in her knees?

You can move your knees through more than 100 degrees of movement (not sure how many) from your knee bent up against your bum to stretched out straight. If your MIL only has 100 degrees then she can't do the full range, presumably because of arthritis in her knees.

This is where it helps going to the appointments to know what they are on about, what can and can't be done about it.

My mum ( late 70s with multiple long term health issues) has lymphoedoema and she’s been seeing a specialist nurse privately who comes to the house every other week . My dsis found this person online because the wait for help on the NHS was going to be very long and they don’t actually do much for you . It’s made a big difference to my mums legs and as I said she’s got multiple other problems , so that might be worth investigating for your MIL .

I highly recommend the Benefits and Work website for the advice and the guides to filling in benefit forms that they have. You do have to subscribe to have access to the guides; for me it was well worth it. When I applied for DLA in 2012 I followed the relevant guide carefully and was stunned when I was awarded maximum DLA on both care and mobility. I used the updated guides again when I applied for DLA renewal last year, and had my award converted into an indefinite one.

Those forms are really hard work. If PIP is anything like DLA, you have to show in as much detail as possible, with examples, of how your problems affect your everyday life. I added 15 typewritten pages of information which must have been crucial in getting the award.

Also use a benefits calculator to see what they could be entitled you. Start here.

HTH.

Sorry, I messed up copy and paste for the second link, this is the benefits calculator start page.