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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask if I’m in the wrong?

39 replies

MayContainBrain · 14/07/2018 16:43

Friend (let’s call her Jane) of 10+ years has moved back to our home town recently after living 300 odd miles away for a few years. She has had an incredibly rough time- her now exH was abusive (nobody had any idea), she is now a single parent to 4 kids under 5 and has a bad drug addiction.

Before she moved home, a mutual friend (let’s call her Denise) came to visit me as she has family where she has been living and when she visited her family would visit friend as well. She warned me to keep away from Jane when she came home due to the drug addiction as she had form for stealing money off people, things out of people’s houses to sell etc. Denise does has a habit to shit stir and is a very jealous person and has always believed she is closer to Jane then me and any of our other friends.

Anyway- Jane came to visit as soon as she was home (same day in fact). I suggested to her she came round alone so we could chat- I’m an incredibly non judgemental person and as long as someone is honest about what they have done, I can forgive them/see past it. Jane admitted she did steal money off Denise, but paid her back which Denise denied. I decided to believe Jane because she was honest about what she did and what I mentioned previously about Denise.

Anyway- the point of this thread. I have a petty cash box at home that I keep £50 in for emergencies. Jane asked to lend some money and I gave her £10- when I went to check, another £20 was missing. There was 10000000% two £20 notes and a £10 in the box before she came as I had put £200 in there the night before for my DP and when I gave him it the £50 was in there.

Jane says she has taken £10 and my DP must of stolen it. DP didn’t know until the other night where I kept the cash box so people could say it is a coincidence and because he knew where it was located decided to help himself to £20. I showed Jane where I got the cash box out of, but then hid it somewhere else but I remember thinking I could hear floorboards creaking by my bathroom door as I hid it (there’s a storage cupboard under the bath)

I asked my DP and he insisted he didn’t take it and I didn’t argue with him about it- but as I pointed out to Jane, she has form for doing this. Jane has been giving DP threatening phone calls, DP wanted to go to the police and I managed to talk him down- regardless of what she has done, I couldn’t get her children taken into care which could happen

I’ve told Jane to leave me alone and pay me £30 back on Monday when she gets paid from work and to leave it with my mum as I don’t want to see her. She doesn’t understand I can’t believe her because she has stolen in the past

AIBU?

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 14/07/2018 16:47

I'm sure that ss wouldn't take her children into care unless they thought it was better for them. Whether you care enough about the money to report her for theft is your business but it won't make any difference to her chldren.

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/07/2018 16:50

Too much drama

Jane has been giving DP threatening phone calls, DP wanted to go to the police and I managed to talk him down- regardless of what she has done, I couldn’t get her children taken into care which could happen

^ what are the threatening phone calls all about?

Personally I'd get a whole lot of new friends, these sounds awful.

In answer to your AIBU - you cant accuse without proof, you didn't see her steal it, you may know she did but you cant prove it, so you cut the relationship loose and don't see her again.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2018 16:52

You allowed a drug addict into your home .. you showed the drug addict where you keep Petty Cash... you left the drug addict alone with the Petty Cash... and money has now been stolen.... and you're questioning whether you have been unreasonable or not Hmm

you're a Mug OP Flowers

Knittedfairies · 14/07/2018 16:54

I think you were very naive OP to show the cash box to someone who may, or may not, be a thief.

Rocinante1 · 14/07/2018 16:57

We had a friend in this situation (group of friends from school so all known each other a long time). We all paid for her to go to rehab, and took care of the kids between us while she was recovering. She knew she needed help, we couldn't just let her spiral and she agreed to try. Shea doing really well now.

It's up to you if you want to cut her off and move on, or stick by and try to help. It is not your responsibility of course, and there is nothing wrong with walking away from the friendship. But helping her is also an option.

VladmirsPoutine · 14/07/2018 17:02

Beware any junior Jeremy Kyle researchers trawling this site for posters like you.

Anyway, I'd probably put money on Jane having taken the money all else being equal i.e. it would be quite a remarkably coincidence for your partner to have taken it.

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 14/07/2018 17:02

Oh come on now OP. Your friend told you Jane stole off her, Jane admits to it, and then you have £20 stolen and abusive phone calls to your DP?

You need to have nothing to do with Jane ever again. You’ve had fair warning what she is like. She is a thief and a liar, it’s the nature of an addict. She will steal from you and anyone else she can. Cut all ties.

WhyDoesHeDoThis · 14/07/2018 17:03

If I was Denise, I’d be very smug right about now. She told you what she was like and you chose to believe Jane over her.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2018 17:03

Beware any junior Jeremy Kyle researchers trawling this site for posters like you

they don't do that ? do they ? Shock

Ginosaji · 14/07/2018 17:07

@Gemini69 well the daily fail often pinch stories so it wouldn't surprise me!

LunaTrap · 14/07/2018 17:07

I think you've been pretty unfair to Denise tbh, taking Jane's word over hers. Jane has now stolen from you, lied about it, falsely tried to implicate your DP and is now being abusive. Good luck getting your money back.

ShawshanksRedemption · 14/07/2018 17:09

Did you leave your Jane alone in the house at any time? Otherwise, when would she have had time to steal money?

To be honest her threatening your DH on it's own is cause for dropping the friendship, but I would suggest you are careful when accusing someone of stealing unless you can show opportunity (as you already have means/motive).

LunaTrap · 14/07/2018 17:11

Also if she has a bad drug addiction and 4 very young children I hope there are some professionals aware of this and working with the family?

MinorRSole · 14/07/2018 17:16

It all seems a bit convenient - were you setting Jane up to fail? Who keeps their only money in a secret cash box, surely you could have given her the £10 out of your purse.
You can't actually prove she took it, no matter how likely, because someone else also had access to it.
Let it go, end your friendship and move on without any unnecessary drama

MeanTangerine · 14/07/2018 17:16

Those poor kids.

Clairetree1 · 14/07/2018 17:21

I’m an incredibly non judgemental person and as long as someone is honest about what they have done, I can forgive them/see past it.

Honestly, who do you think you are? do you demand all your friends confess their sins to you and receive forgiveness? How magnanimous of you. You sound insufferable.

I should imagine your expectation that Jane confesses to you and gets forgiven was beyond riling, and likely to provoke bad behaviour even if she hadn't intended to steal from you when she first came round.

She is a drug addict. Did you expect her to feel grateful to you for "seeing past it"? How about you ask her to forgive you for your condescending attitude.

And yes, you invited a known thief into your home and expected her to be so grateful to you for your greatness that she wouldn't steal from you? How silly.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 14/07/2018 17:21

How can someone who steals be honest?

btw, she borrowed the money, you were the one to lend it.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2018 17:23

@Gemini69 well the daily fail often pinch stories so it wouldn't surprise me!

aahh very true....

AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale · 14/07/2018 17:24

Agreed clairetree, insuspect OP was hoping to be the hero of the story and singlehandedley rehabilitate Jane.

Gemini69 · 14/07/2018 17:26

Honestly, who do you think you are? do you demand all your friends confess their sins to you and receive forgiveness? How magnanimous of you. You sound insufferable

I should imagine your expectation that Jane confesses to you and gets forgiven was beyond riling, and likely to provoke bad behaviour even if she hadn't intended to steal from you when she first came round

She is a drug addict. Did you expect her to feel grateful to you for "seeing past it"? How about you ask her to forgive you for your condescending attitude

And yes, you invited a known thief into your home and expected her to be so grateful to you for your greatness that she wouldn't steal from you? How silly

this literally made me laugh out loud Grin......

lol sorry Flowers

Glossyglosspaint · 14/07/2018 17:33

I think you owe 'Denise' and apology for thinking she was shit stirring when she tried to tell you the truth.

KinkyAfro · 14/07/2018 17:34

Why are you keeping that much money lying around?

SchadenfreudePersonified · 14/07/2018 17:35

Addicts steal to fund their addiction - whether it's drugs, gambling, alcohol - whatever. They steal from friends, from family, from complete strangers, from casual acquaintances - it's what they do. It's part of what they become.

I think that you were very naive to think that you could be the one to tune her life around by showing her trust.

You can't prove she stole the money (though I'll bet you are right that she's responsible) so just write it off and don't invite her round again. Showing her where you kept the money was just putting temptation in front of her. The only thing that surprised me is that she didn't take the lot!

This is the end of your friendship if you have any sense. Even if she pays you back (which I doubt), you will never be able to trust her again, nd she will always be the one you suspect if you mislay any cash or valuables.

blackfootdaisy · 14/07/2018 17:38

I think you need to report the phone calls and money
Then back away

purplecorkheart · 14/07/2018 17:40

Why are you sending her to your Mom's? Does your Mom know that she is not to be trusted/should not be left alone in her house?