Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teen has dropped all of her friends

46 replies

nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 16:41

My dd (12) has just left school and has dropped every single one of her friends, she does not want to see them ever again.
I am shocked, she was happy at school although she was up and down with her moods I just assumed it was teenage hormones.

Now she says she does like her friends and never did, they are spiteful, getting drunk, smoking and involved with boys and she would rather spend the whole holiday on her own than with them. I have had to cancel the things we did have arranged.

On one hand I am pleased she is being careful and avoiding the party scene some of her friends are getting involved with now, but on the other hand I am seriously worried about her spending six weeks on her own or with me and her brother (11) she seems very happy with her decision. We have around 4-5 family friends of the same age and I intend to organise outings with them.

Is this normal? Was she unhappy before and I somehow missed it?

She said she just about survived the endless arguments and gossiping at school and is thankful it is all over and she can relax.

I love spending time with her, but feel worried this isn't good for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 16:42

She is 13 in two days!

OP posts:
NewYearNewMe18 · 14/07/2018 16:43

What happens when she goes back in September ?

MyCatsRuleTheHouse · 14/07/2018 16:45

If everything seemed fine until now Id worry something has happened to change her mind so suddenly.

GreenTulips · 14/07/2018 16:45

Good for her!

We never had friends meet up in the holidays and it won't harm her .... be pleased she's happy in her own skin and can make her own decisions!

She's more likely to make new friends when not hanging around the old ones ..... and she'll be a bit more selective

387I2 · 14/07/2018 16:45

Maybe she can find a new friend during these six weeks. Maybe take up a new hobby?

21jumpstreet · 14/07/2018 16:45

I did the same thing although I was 14, I was fine. I found a lovely group of friends who are still my very good friends now and my parents were much happier! She will be fine. Make the holidays fun, maybe there are some clubs she could try out?

mishfish · 14/07/2018 16:45

Are you sure she’s dropped them and not the other way around? Maybe she’s saying that as a front because they’ve all decided to fall out with her? It doesn’t sound like she’s having a great time of it and is trying to protect herself by telling you the story she has told you.

BrownTurkey · 14/07/2018 16:46

I think given her rationale you should be pleased that she knows what she wants from friends and that it isn’t that. I presume she is maybe in the independent sector where they sometimes change schools at 13?

lily2403 · 14/07/2018 16:47

Both my DD did this, when they went back to school they just fell in with a new crowd. DD1 said they were horrible and bitchy and DD2 said hers were more mature than her going with boys and drinking and she just didn’t want to do that. I was worried but also admired the decision to not do what their peers were doing...my two now at uni and doing very well. Just keep an eye and ear out when she goes back to school

Racecardriver · 14/07/2018 16:50

I think you should be pleased that she isn't associating with these children anymore. That really isn't an OK way for 12 year olds to behave, it's good that she has the sense to distance herself from it.

Original poster
nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 16:58

Thank you for all of your replies, so helpful and making me worry less

What happens when she goes back in September ?
She is starting a new school and has literally dropped all of her old friends overnight the minute she left.

MyCatsRuleTheHouse I am worried that something has happened that she isn't sharing, but she promised me nothing at all. They are moving in different directions. I feel a little bit sad, I liked her friends (well most of them) and think it is a big decision. I def dont want to impose my feelings on her so keeping quiet.

OP posts:
pennycarbonara · 14/07/2018 17:03

Can you afford for her to go to some activities or summer courses where she might meet kids she has more in common with? (e.g. drama, archaeology, courses in subjects she likes or things that she's interested in that the school doesn't offer)

I didn't really click with anyone at my small school but it was 6th form before I stopped bothering with them totally. The amount of time I spent reading in the holidays compared to the few days of spending time being bored around other kids from school has been more useful in the long run. It was on a summer course that I met a girl who's still one of my best friends; she was at a more academic school in the area and lived about 15 miles away.

Original poster
nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 17:04

21jumpstreet Thank you!!! :) It is good to know. I am proud she knows her own mind, and she seems totally happy with it. It isn't that healthy spending your summer holiday with your mum though? Her biggest worry is that she will see them out when she is with me (trying not to take offence to that!)

Racecardriver without wanting to judge as I really like her friends, they are going to be a wild bunch, she is the opposite

OP posts:
21jumpstreet · 14/07/2018 17:06

She is a teenager, whether she has thatbgroup of friends or not she won’t want to be seen with you 😂
I’m sure there are things she can do so she’s not with you every day, and if she is and she is happy with that then make the most of it

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 14/07/2018 17:07

I did the same thing at 16 before going to sixth form college and honestly it was the smartest thing I did

I know you are worried but she actually sounds like she's happy and want a to move on ,it happens a lot as an adult I think , environmental friendships Peter out when things change .

Original poster
nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 17:07

lily2403 I would never have ditched my friends at this age, so I am disconcerted, I wanted to be my friends all of the time (admittedly my homelife was not great) and she seems happy to play sports and hang out with her brother and do things with me. I feel she should be out with her friends more doing teen stuff...perhaps my experience is colouring my expectations.

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 14/07/2018 17:10

My DD1 did something similar at around the same age and she ended up with a new and lovely bunch of friends when she started back at school.

Original poster
nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 17:11

I did suggest she joins a few clubs or takes up a new hobby and she rolled her eyes and said no way. I then said she can't spend the holidays on snapchat in a big jumper (in 30c heat) and she agreed and changed and went out for a run. She is so opposite to me, I am a party girl through and through and couldn't wait to drink warm cider and kiss boys! Ab Fab seems to be unfolding for real in our house....

OP posts:
eggsandwich · 14/07/2018 17:12

To be honest I think the school holidays are good for them to have a break from each other.

My Dd is 15 and she my meet up with some of them occasionally over the summer break but mainly she wants time on her own after three weeks of exams, she said to me today she can’t wait to sleep in over the summer holidays.

GreenShadow · 14/07/2018 17:14

DS3 was similar. He also dropped friends when they all started smoking, drinking and drugs. Has meant he's not had many close friends for a couple of years but now he's about to go to university he has met up with several people doing his course next year (wonders of social media) and already seems to be part of a nice gang. In fact they've even all come down to stay at ours this weekend.
Your DD sounds very sensible and hopefully she'll meet a nice new group in Sept.

Original poster
nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 17:22

I feel a lot better that your dc seem to have made similar choices and it all worked out. I am really looking forward to her meeting some new friends that are similar in character and outlook. She is in a very small school and it has been stressful for her keeping up the goodwill with a small group of girls for so long.

OP posts:
spanishwife · 14/07/2018 17:23

I did the same thing at school - I kept my head above water during term time, but as soon as I could let my guard down, I dropped the negative people in my life like a brick.

Please give support to your daughter, show your understanding and I would be super proud of her making this decision so early on!

At senior school, kids don't need your intervention - they just need your support and your best advice. They will make their own decisions either way, the best thing you can do is arm them with confidence and and a sensible level head.

When september comes around, just be there for her!

WankStainWasher · 14/07/2018 17:25

Sounds like she's been getting along with these girls out of necessity, rather than choice. Regardless of how much you like these girls, she's the one who had to deal with them on a daily basis.

If she seems happy, then let her be. Maybe she just needs the summer to recharge and prepare for senior school without the pressure of being around these other girls who want to grow up way too quickly.

SecretNutellaFix · 14/07/2018 17:29

It sounds like she has kept afloat for the past 6 months or so, not wanting to draw their attention to her dropping them when she still had to spend her days with them. She has probably felt like she has had very little on common with them for longer though

So, she has used the school move as a sensible point to alter the terms of engagement with the group. I wish her well in her new school- but do try to get her to take up a couple of outside interests, or she'll get very used to being too comfortable in her own company.

PeakPants · 14/07/2018 17:30

Good for her. She sounds like she knows her own mind. Also, don't project your own memories of your youth as a 'party-girl' onto her and make her feel weird that she is not like that.

Oh and I hung out with a group of girls at school. They weren't really my friends and bitched about me and made me feel like shit but it was hard to make other friends. I figured I could suck it up until the end of term and then I never spoke a word to any of them again and have absolutely zero regrets about that.

Swipe left for the next trending thread