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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teen has dropped all of her friends

46 replies

nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 16:41

My dd (12) has just left school and has dropped every single one of her friends, she does not want to see them ever again.
I am shocked, she was happy at school although she was up and down with her moods I just assumed it was teenage hormones.

Now she says she does like her friends and never did, they are spiteful, getting drunk, smoking and involved with boys and she would rather spend the whole holiday on her own than with them. I have had to cancel the things we did have arranged.

On one hand I am pleased she is being careful and avoiding the party scene some of her friends are getting involved with now, but on the other hand I am seriously worried about her spending six weeks on her own or with me and her brother (11) she seems very happy with her decision. We have around 4-5 family friends of the same age and I intend to organise outings with them.

Is this normal? Was she unhappy before and I somehow missed it?

She said she just about survived the endless arguments and gossiping at school and is thankful it is all over and she can relax.

I love spending time with her, but feel worried this isn't good for her.

OP posts:

Lovemusic33 · 14/07/2018 17:31

12 year olds drinking?

Your dd is sensible. My daughter started a fresh when she left primary school, went to a different school than her old friends, she has nice friends now. She’s 14 and at a party today that involves no alcohol or boys

WeirdScenesInsideTheGoldmine · 14/07/2018 17:33

They’re drinking and
Smoking at 13 ... why is MN not in uproar here?

JustLikeBefore · 14/07/2018 17:37

My youngest DS did the same when they move up to secondary.

He never told us how much he didn't like the school and his friends, until the day I picked him on his last day, and we drove away he cheered!

He's doing fine and soon made a whole bunch of new friends. it's been 3 years since and he see them around school but doesn't associate with them at all.

AmazingPostVoices · 14/07/2018 17:38

I quietly dropped a number of friends at about the same age.

They were starting to behave in ways I didn’t like so I just distanced myself.

I remember having a big argument with my Mum about declining a party invitation. I’m not sure why I didn’t just tell her exactly why I didn’t want to go!

Cornishclio · 14/07/2018 17:40

I think it sounds like she knows her own mind and should be commended for not wanting to get into the sort of crowd she does not feel that comfortable with. As for kissing boys and drinking warm cider thankfully neither of my girls were into that at 12 and if I were you I would be thankful she still wants to hang out with you and her brother. If she is moving schools she may just want a fresh start and feel she has nothing in common with them any more and just had school. I don't think you have anything to worry about as even if they were a crowd of bitchy bullying girls she never has to see them again.

Cornishclio · 14/07/2018 17:43

I also agree with peakpants. Don't project your own teen years on to her. She needs to find her own way to cope with what are usually difficult years and being sure of what she does not want to do and the friends she does not want to associate with is a good start. Be proud of her but encourage her to get out and about in the holidays or take on a project or new interest.

Aeroflotgirl · 14/07/2018 17:43

Good on her, maybe the scales are falling from their eyes, and she has seen them for what they are. Maybe they were unpleasant to be around or they were towards her.

PurdysChocolate · 14/07/2018 17:46

I think you need to back off. I went through a summer holiday with no friends (drifted from old ones and hadn't made new ones yet). I read and hung out with my sisters and was largely happy. I felt most insecure when my mom kept asking, "Why don't you just call so and so?" She didn't get it, and to me she was rubbing salt into the wound of losing my old friends.

UK summer breaks aren't that long anyway are they? (mine was 10 weeks) she'll be back at school before you know it.

Sprogletsmuvva · 14/07/2018 17:47

I am seriously worried about her spending six weeks on her own or with me and her brother (11

Why would her own company be that bad?
And how about things like adventure holidays? I would have given my right arm to go on one when I was your DD’s age (although I suppose that would’ ruled out the abseiling ). Yeah, that’s my tastes — but no more unrelated to hark back to than yours.

(And yes, am a bit taken aback at the idea of drinking, smoking 12yos being an OK thing.)

LilQueenie · 14/07/2018 17:59

Whats wrong with spending time with yourself and her brother? please be careful not to push her away.

lljkk · 14/07/2018 18:02

"they are spiteful, getting drunk, smoking"

I don't understand OP being unhappy that these friends were dropped.

Original poster

nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 18:04

The other girls are drinking at parties (I think just beer) and trying smoking a few times so not ritually. Most of the girls are just getting involved with boys. My dd is the second youngest in the year, many are much older and just about to be 14 in September so a big difference in maturity and development.

OP posts:

implantsandaDyson · 14/07/2018 18:13

My eldest did exactly the same thing when she left primary. Although she was a year younger - 11 turning 12. She had 7 years with the same group of 8 girls in her class (it was a very boy heavy class) and they were all a bit bored of each other. There were no fallings out, no recriminations, just a perfectly natural drift away.
She started secondary school being the only girl from her year that went to that school and loved it. Even now, 2 years later she likes her school friends but will only meet up with them two or three times during the summer and we have 9 weeks of holidays!! She likes to relax in her own company, tolerates her sisters and just takes herself out of the whole friendship thing for a few weeks. She can find it a bit intense sometimes, she's not one for "best friends", she likes to talk to lots of different people from different groups. She's a bit of a floater, I suppose.

PeakPants · 14/07/2018 18:32

The other girls are drinking at parties (I think just beer) and trying smoking a few times so not ritually. Most of the girls are just getting involved with boys.

I would probably be a bit more concerned if 12 and 13 year old girls were drinking beer at parties, smoking and getting involved with boys. I would be thanking my lucky stars that my DD wasn't hanging out with them anymore rather than wistfully remembering getting hammered on cider and thinking my DD was abnormal for not wanting to do that too. She. Is. 12. Stop trying to be Cool Mum.

Howdydoodyfolks · 14/07/2018 18:37

They are ALL smoking and getting drunk at 12?!!! Wow, I work in a secondary school and this still is a bit of a shock. Well done her though if that is true then she is a sensible girl

Original poster

nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 18:49

Whats wrong with spending time with yourself and her brother? please be careful not to push her away.

We have always spent time with friends over the summer as well as each other. We are pretty self sufficient. My only concern would be that she is not seeing enough of friends and gets too used to being completely independent. I have told her how proud we are that she is caring for herself and not getting involved with all of this.

Howdydoodyfolks You might be very surprised what your 13/14yr olds are doing in your secondary school....my dd is very open about what is happening

OP posts:

Original poster

nearlyfiftyjeez · 14/07/2018 18:53

Thank you for your input and advice. I will see if I can talk her into taking up a new hobby and will just enjoy having her with me this summer.

I will definitely not fret about her doing this now I have posted on here.

I am the opposite of cool mum, just being honest about my own teen life. We are very close, and have a really fun respectful relationship. I didn't have this with my family and had to find support outside the family home, so I appreciate I should never compare the two. I have spent my entire life trying to give my dc a different kind of life.

Your replies have been massively helpful. Thank you. I am backing off and will stop worrying

OP posts:

Naveloranges · 14/07/2018 18:54

Good for her. You don’t need to be surrounded by friends. My daughter loves her own company but is sociable when she wants to be. She’s happy just chilling in the holidays.

QueenOfMyWorld · 14/07/2018 18:54

She sounds really sensible and knows her own mind.Id be v proud if my ds did the same when he's that age

trojanpony · 14/07/2018 19:48

Smoking and drinking in year 7

She’s made a goid life choice

Chasingcars123 · 14/07/2018 19:57

What a great girl!!! 12 years of age and she has the courage to do this. She seems happy with her decision. Most young people are terrified about being seen as different to their friendship group and end up in some really dysfunctional groups.

I take my hat off to her. I'm sure you are proud of her. You're just a typical mum worrying about her child.

She sounds great, no doubt you treasure her. She will be just fine.

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