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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL issues

32 replies

nearlythesummer · 14/07/2018 14:10

I don't know what to do about MIL anymore. She is 87, widowed (20+ years ago) and has one son, my DH. She lives in London, with only a couple of friends nearby. We live 3 1/2 hours away, with three children and a lively puppy etc. We both work full time with typically hectic family lives. She has been unwell and is in hospital fairly regularly and expects my DH to visit him every weekend and it's driving me potty. I feel so horrible getting upset that he's off to see her again as she is on her own, but I also feels frustrated that he runs to her at the drop of a hat (always has done, before she was ill) and she will not let me and our dc visit (goodness knows why). We have been asking her to move so we can visit her regularly to a lovely residential housing complex where she can be supported by us and see her grandchildren but she is making excuse after excuse not to come. The main problem is my DH does not realise how controlling his mother is and how spending every weekend with her is upsetting me. What would you do?

OP posts:

kitkatsky · 14/07/2018 14:20

Explain persistently to your DH that it upsets you and let him work it out. YABU yo expect your MIL to move though- she has a right to live out her days as she wants to, so I'd drop this. You've asked her to move and set out the advantages of doing so and she's said no, so that's not an option for her

KC225 · 14/07/2018 14:28

If she refuses to move or to let you and the children visit as well, then she cannot expect your DH to leave you and the children every weekend.

Perhaps suggest every other weekend, and arranging paid help on the absent weekend. Can you DH suggest a visit to whee you live and physically show her the benefits of living closer to you. Most places look better in the sunshine.

MrsExpo · 14/07/2018 14:41

Does he go for the whole weekend, or do a quick round trip on Saturday, leaving Sunday free for family time? What does he do when he's there. If he spends his time shopping and helping her with her domestic issues (cleaning etc) then it might be worth trying to get her some sort of help or support locally to ensure she's looked after. I think you may have to get used to a one day weekend, or an "every other weekend" arrangement as pp has said while she's still around. Elderly parents can be very demanding and time consuming.

Laiste · 14/07/2018 14:53

She won’t let you visit!?! Nice. And your DH still runs around after her? If my mother wanted my help she’d have to accept the whole package or nothing.

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 15:00

It's unreasonable to expect her to move. I guess your husband feels she won't be around for much longer and wants to do what he can.

user139328237 · 14/07/2018 15:00

So she is controlling but you are not despite wanting her to move quite possibly hundreds of miles into a completely different type of housing that would require a completely different lifestyle?
Its hardly a surprise that an elderly lady who has lived in the same area for decades and alone for over 20 years would be against a move into a home (and where are you expecting the money to come from?).

Seasawride · 14/07/2018 15:09

Tell him he can’t posdibiy do every weekend that’s mad.

Once a month tops and thst would probably make her think more about moving to you or if she doesn’t want to leave London then she needs residential care down there.

Put your foot down. She’s being ridiculous and so is your dd.

Seasawride · 14/07/2018 15:11

And this excluding you and the kids?? Stiff that just go with him

abbsisspartacus · 14/07/2018 15:15

Why is he allowing her to exclude the children?

MortyVicar · 14/07/2018 15:20

So this isn't new because she's ill, your DH has always dropped everything every time she's whistled, but you and the DCs aren't allowed to go anywhere near her. That really isn't OK. What's your DH's reaction when you try to talk to him about it?

KC225 · 14/07/2018 15:42

User139. I don't see how you can call the OP controlling - are you reading the same post? She works full time and has 3 kids. and the MIL won't let them all visit. If she split up with him at least he'd see the kids EOW - this way he's not seeing them at all on the weekends.

As for the money, the OP States the MIL lives in a flat in London and they live 3 and a half hours away, assuming MIL owns her flat it would more than cover a retirement property outside London.

user139328237 · 14/07/2018 15:55

Because the OP apparently thinks its acceptable to tell MiL to move near to where she lives and can not understand why MiL will have objections to this.
As far as we know her husband is going for a couple of hours and not the whole weekend which would leave a day free for family time. The MiL may be like many elderly people and not feel comfortable allowing her family into her flat which she may no longer be able to maintain to the standard she considers acceptable to invite visitors (but realises that she wouldn't be able to cope without her son helping out).
The MiL is not being unreasonable to not want to move to an unknown area and into a home which would require a totally different lifestyle while at the same time OP isn't being unreasonable to want her DH to visit less (but it would be unreasonable to expect MiL to move into a residential home near to OPs house). The solution is probably more paid support in the form of cleaners and possibly carers to enable MiL to remain in her own home with less support from her son, but this comes at a cost and may be unaffordable to MiL if she is one of the many pensioners who are asset rich but cash poor.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 14/07/2018 16:10

user139328237

OP said it's 3.5 hours away so even if he only stayed an hour (highly unlikely) that would still be half the weekend away from his family. This could go on for years. Surely you can see that this isn't sustainable?

Bluelady · 14/07/2018 16:13

A lot of people do sustain it. It's not easy but it's what happens when you choose to live a long distance away.

Isawthelight · 14/07/2018 16:16

Why would you want to take your young kids on a 3.5hr journey? I think YABU (sorry). This won't be forever, you'll have your weekends back with DH at some point.

Babybrainagain · 14/07/2018 16:29

This is a difficult one. I usually love getting stuck into the MIL on threads like these, but 87 is so very old and I think I would have a bit more empathy in this case if I were you. She must be pretty frail and with only her son to rely on. Don't get me wrong, she should let you visit, but maybe you should just go anyway and say it's the only way to facilitate the visits. You can't stop him going as that's just cruel, she won't be around much longer

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/07/2018 16:58

If MIL moves near you, DH will be dropping in more regularly. But you will also remove her from her friends and her home.

If she's 87, you're going to be in your 50's, and your children in their late teens/early 20's.

Mosaic123 · 14/07/2018 17:05

It's a difficult situation.

I think DH needs to try and gently but persistently persuade her to move. He could promise to bring the friends up occasionally?

Is there any chance of a temporary stay in the residential housing place so she can try it out? Who would want to move to a place they've never seen!

Boofay · 14/07/2018 17:26

She's 87. How long left on this Earth she has is anyone's guess. She has only one son, and no husband. I say give her a break.
I have an 87 year old Nana, and for her, the thought of moving is incredibly daunting. My mum and her live together and I suggest every now and again they move to my town so I can help take care of them and they can have their grandchildren/great grand children visit. The fact is that the process of moving is incredibly stressful, and costly. I completely appreciate that and therefore understand their reasons why they don't want to move.

I understand it's hard that your husband is going away at weekends but his mum needs him at this time of her life.

The only thing in your op that seems unfair is that she doesn't want you and the kids to visit. Is there any animosity between you two? If not, question this with your husband.

buckingfrolicks · 14/07/2018 17:31

Sympathies OP. My Now ex DP sees his DM twice a day and has done for 3 years. She's up the road frim him. Drove me to destruction! He could do nothing other than "see his mum". Family days out were non existent. He was jaded and exhausted too.

Its not always easier having MIL on the doorstep!

iamawoman · 14/07/2018 18:50

She could live another 5 or 10 years! If she doesnt want to move thats her choice but she cant ecpect her son to abandon his children every weekend its not fair or kind

NewYearNewMe18 · 14/07/2018 18:52

abandon his children

If the MIL is 87, I sincerely doubt the children are toddlers!!

NataliaOsipova · 14/07/2018 18:55

If the MIL is 87, I sincerely doubt the children are toddlers!!

My MIL is 87; our smallest child is 6... People have been having kids in their 40s for years!

buckingfrolicks · 14/07/2018 21:14

Why is the love of an 89 year old for her son valued so much less than the love of a 50 year old for his child?

On MN, at least, that seems to be the case.

GertrudeCB · 14/07/2018 21:17

You sound pretty heartless. My fil is the same age and DH goes every week.
Would you visit if it was your mum in the same position?

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