MIL issues

[nearlythesummer]

I don't know what to do about MIL anymore. She is 87, widowed (20+ years ago) and has one son, my DH. She lives in London, with only a couple of friends nearby. We live 3 1/2 hours away, with three children and a lively puppy etc. We both work full time with typically hectic family lives. She has been unwell and is in hospital fairly regularly and expects my DH to visit him every weekend and it's driving me potty. I feel so horrible getting upset that he's off to see her again as she is on her own, but I also feels frustrated that he runs to her at the drop of a hat (always has done, before she was ill) and she will not let me and our dc visit (goodness knows why). We have been asking her to move so we can visit her regularly to a lovely residential housing complex where she can be supported by us and see her grandchildren but she is making excuse after excuse not to come. The main problem is my DH does not realise how controlling his mother is and how spending every weekend with her is upsetting me. What would you do?

What reason does she give your DH for not wanting you and the dc to visit?

Is there history between you both?

It sounds like this has become the routine, so you need to break the cycle. It's become a way for your DH to pull out of family life - so you need to re-establish that link.

With the holiday season upon us, I suggest you say right - we're all off to London for the Weekend. Book an airbnb. DH can visit his DM and you and the children can take in some sights. Bet he wouldn't be too happy about that. In fact are you sure MIL has said she doesn't want you to visit, or have you heard this just from DH. Don't take this sitting down. Your DH has to be there for his children as well. If MIL is so frail following repeated hospital admissions, she will need support during the week as well as weekends, so this needs sorting out.

If the MIL is 87, I sincerely doubt the children are toddlers!!

My dad is 85. My DC are 3 and 4 months.

How old are your DC OP? I would have an issue with this if your DC are similar ages to ours I think. Yes elderly parents are exhausting but so are young children. If they are secondary school age, not so much.

But I think EOW is a better compromise no matter what the age. Your DH has caring responsibilities to his children as well. If he works FT presumably he does not see them much during the week?

I sympathise, this is the sandwich generation at its finest.

As difficult as it is for you, your DH needs your support right now but you are in a tricky situation. If money allows then extra care and arrangements for your MIL are an option but your DH going so often can't be a long term thing. He is probably better off spending petrol/train money on getting help in for her for half the time.

You should go one weekend and say you told DH to stay home as he is exhausted. She might think twice about calling for him.

Maybe the OP's DH is significantly older than her?

Thank you for your advice, I appreciate your suggestions. My children are 6, 10 and 13, so not young, but young enough to need my attention for most of the day and lots of running around with clubs etc and we both work full time.
I have suggested to him about getting some more help for his mum so he doesn't feel that he is neglecting her if he misses a weekend if he cant visit. When he visits, its always for a night and two days.
The main reason we're keen for her to move here is we know she will have a better quality of life with lots of opportunities to make new friends and see her family more often. She hasn't seen her Grandchildren in two years. I understand it must be very hard to leave your home, but she is falling out with the neighbours and shouting at them about things that are beyond her control i.e children playing outside in the communal gardens, people parking their car outside her flat - perfectly legally. She locks a bedroom door which is full of clothes (she's a hoarder worthy of a channel 5 documentary) and generally is making herself ill with stress because of it all. This is the reason that we can't visit. I know life with a family and elderly parents is challenging, I guess we're have to muddle through.

YANBU to be frustrated and YANBU to think that her moving closer into a residential type facility would be the best solution for everyone but we both know that it wouldn't be reasonable to expect her to understand that. By the sounds of it your DH is acting as if his bring with her every single weekend isn't an unreasonable strain on your family. He needs to convince her to move himself if it is going to happen. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do in this situation.