To think my mum doesn't need a house full of toys meant for her grandchildren?

[KaySamuels]

I have a ds (2), my sis S has a ds (2) and a dd (5), and my sis A has a ds (4).

Our uncle (mum's brother) has a ds (our cousin) aged 8, who regularly clears out his toys and send them round "for the little ones as he is too big for them now". Aw bless! He has a big family and is the youngest so is practically drowning in toys and has been brought up to share and be geerous, his fearing he would otherwise end up being spoilt and greedy!

Anyway, these toys get dropped off at my mum's maybe twice a year. My mum thens stashes them around the house in cupboards, etc and keeps them!!!!!! I am a childminder and have ds and two step sons and she currently has an equal amount of toys as I have at home! The first few times we let it go, however last time me and sister S went round and split the toys up in front of her between the children, and took them home, including sister A's, which we dropped round to her house so they didn't go back in the cupboard. She was like a sulky teenager, and was in a right mood about it!

My mum is very strange.

So was there yesterday and another lot got dropped off, my uncle was telling me what was there, what cousin had grown out of, did my ds like them etc....dp helped uncle get the toys out of the car....and my mum took them upstairs and put them on her bed!?! wtf!

My sister S is quite feisty and has said she is going on Thursday with or without me to split the toys up. (We all have keys and mum will be out.)

My mum is strange no? I feel mad about this on two counts:

1. None of us hae much money, and are all very grateful to receive these toys (cousin gets lovely xmas pressies off us in appreciation )
2. I often bump into Uncle and am worried I should be thanking him for something I haven't received. (sometimes don't know about toys until the kids drag new ones out the cupboard and ask where they are from).

Kay made a great point earlier about weird parents. Mine was an alcoholic ... and guess what? You lose sympathy when you're that person's child. You lose it quickly, and you tend to lose it for good.

Thanks for posting that, Lovecat. I feel very sad that Kay's gone off crying when she came on here looking for support.

I'm going to keep bumping until she comes back again.

Bump

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Bump

To those of you that have been supportive, thank you.

To those of you that haven't, I sincerely hope that one day when you need some understanding and support, and are feeling emotionally fragile, there are kind people on mn at the time to help you. As is mn ethos I believe??

I now realise putting this in aibu may not have been the best place, but I genuinely wanted advice and support.

In future I am going to stick to the topics I use for work, continuing answering unanswered posts when I can help the poster, and that is that.

Posting on here has left me feeling worse than when I was previously, and if possible, even more alone in my problems.

Oh, Kay. I don't know what to say. I'm troubled by the response you got from certain posters. I don't believe they were reading your OP or subsequent posts at all. You were nothing but reasonable in the face of ill-founded criticism, and I just don't get what they were all about.

Please don't be put off. You've had much more support than criticism, and you've come across to me as a very lovely woman with a genuine (and specific) problem with regards to your mother and her hoarding of your children's toys.

I'm new to MN (although I've been lurking for ages). Sometimes people just seem to have a problem or an issue when there isn't one. It's their problem, not yours.

Now ....... get those fecking toys ...

kay

why was there an awkward silence when your dp asked your uncle where the toys should go? that suggests to me your uncle knows your mum's stashing the toys maybe? can you speak to him at all ?

greedy
spiteful
grabby
bitching
hysterical
innapropriate
sneaky

in one thread.

I really really appreciate the supportive posters, please don't think I have overlooked you, it means a lot you have taken the time to try and make me feel better.

I was agog at all of them.

What I think is this: someone's lost their mum. That someone (or persons), must have had a great mum. You don't. I didn't. They weren't reading what you wrote - they were reacting to a dim idea of disloyalty to one's parent.

You weren't being disloyal .. you were telling it like it is.

Most of the criticism came from two/three people. The rest were supportive.

I can't say it enough. You're not responsible for sorting your mother's mind out. That's not your job if she won't get help or acknowledge that she has a problem.

Get those fecking toys ......

Kay {{{{hugs}}}

i'm really sorry you got such a weird response, i honestly can't fathom why

speaking as the daughter of an insane damaging mother too i hope you find a way to deal with this situation which doesn't cause too many problems for you and your sisters, and i hope the kids get their toys

I think that the posters who called you names possibly have ishoos with their own families and perhaps could only see that you were talking about toys and not the rest of it.

They sounded envious of the toys fgs, and seemed (wilfully?) unable to see that you were so upset about the situation.

I think AIBU brings out the worst in posters though, frankly, you're right.

I read this but did not post, FGS how can something so simple go so pear shaped.

I have been here 3 years and I am starting to think I have seen the best of MN.

i know how you feel about the thread going wrong kay, one of my first ones was totally non-controversial and still ended up turning into a row, i was quite upset at the time even tho i was not emotionally fragile and it wasnt a sensitive topic. please dont feel you cant post, if it helps i have not had another turn out like that. if im honest i do browse aibu looking for interesting threads cos so many people post on here in a jokey fashion, lots of people are quite rude and it is taken as fun. obviously this wasnt the thread for that i do hope you get this sorted out

Kay - {hugs}

i don't have anything helpful to say, just wanted you to know that i'm thinking of you x

Kay is is possible you mum holds on to the toys because she realises the hard time you had children and wishes to make up or thathere is someinner sadness around children / toys do you much about her childhood - IMO you and your sisters should split the toys fairly they are meant for your children but you should also ask your uncle to drop teh toys off soem where else next time to avoid this

I've not been the voice of reason beore Kay BUT I don't think anyone on here was meaning to be mean to you, honestly. Don't give up.
I think it's a misunderstanding really. Possibly some people haven't picked up on the fact that your mother is extremely problematic - you didn't really flag this up until later - and therefore their responses was based on the idea that you were after the toys. Is a misunderstanding that is all. Then some folk want you to address the underlying problem - your mum - and others are probably more practical.
Having read this thread through, it comes across as a bit of a mix up that's all. I'm sorry you were upset.

Have you thought about approaching your uncle to talk to him?

maybe not meaning to a100x, but, apparently their fingers just blurted out those words that kay listed further up?

I think kay has got short shrift on here, by folk taking things at face value and not having the sensitivity to look further into it.

Concur with everything Desiderata said (!), (cept the bit about my mum being an alcoholic...oh no hang on, she's not saturated all day every day, but.....)

Yes, you're right. Was somewhat pathetic attempt to smooth over the waters.
(That can't be right can it VVV? Do you smooth waters? Surely not. Smooth over RUFFLED FEATHERS that's it.)

Oil on troubled waters, I think.

Yes, yes. This is what I meant all along.

are you attempting to claim diplomatic immunity 100??

Oh yes please can I have that? Please? I promise not to venture on to difficult and contentious threads again. Will only lark about like a fool on the the silly ones.

(Also, will it come in a folder? I'd like a sort of pass or something which I could wave if I ever stray again. I think it should be brightly coloured and clearly visible. Is this possible?)

I think someone once said, you can't blame someone for being ill, you can blame them for not doing anything about it.

This seems to be the situation you're in, would you say?

DP finds himself in that situation, and is all at sea as to how things should be between him and his Ps.

Sorry if you find yourself there.

And she's nicked the toys for goodness sake. Bit of a bummer if children are having to be "all grown up" about your mother's behaviour (but I'm guessing you know how that is, hey?)

You can have it on the condition you go here and follow the instructions