To think my mum doesn't need a house full of toys meant for her grandchildren?

[KaySamuels]

I have a ds (2), my sis S has a ds (2) and a dd (5), and my sis A has a ds (4).

Our uncle (mum's brother) has a ds (our cousin) aged 8, who regularly clears out his toys and send them round "for the little ones as he is too big for them now". Aw bless! He has a big family and is the youngest so is practically drowning in toys and has been brought up to share and be geerous, his fearing he would otherwise end up being spoilt and greedy!

Anyway, these toys get dropped off at my mum's maybe twice a year. My mum thens stashes them around the house in cupboards, etc and keeps them!!!!!! I am a childminder and have ds and two step sons and she currently has an equal amount of toys as I have at home! The first few times we let it go, however last time me and sister S went round and split the toys up in front of her between the children, and took them home, including sister A's, which we dropped round to her house so they didn't go back in the cupboard. She was like a sulky teenager, and was in a right mood about it!

My mum is very strange.

So was there yesterday and another lot got dropped off, my uncle was telling me what was there, what cousin had grown out of, did my ds like them etc....dp helped uncle get the toys out of the car....and my mum took them upstairs and put them on her bed!?! wtf!

My sister S is quite feisty and has said she is going on Thursday with or without me to split the toys up. (We all have keys and mum will be out.)

My mum is strange no? I feel mad about this on two counts:

1. None of us hae much money, and are all very grateful to receive these toys (cousin gets lovely xmas pressies off us in appreciation )
2. I often bump into Uncle and am worried I should be thanking him for something I haven't received. (sometimes don't know about toys until the kids drag new ones out the cupboard and ask where they are from).

Yes I am uncomfortable with going in for the toys.
If we asked uncle to drop off at one of our house he would ask why, and then mention it to our mum, and there would be a big hoo-ha. If we asked her ourselves she would just sulk I think.
She knows she is behaving innaporpriately as when dp helped my ucle get the toys out of the car dp 'said where are they going' meaning should he put them in car as uncle had been asking me what our ds liked, our bringing them into my mum's house. There was an awkward silence and my mum piped up 'Oh, oh, well, I will just sort through them and....'

Have you no feelings at all for the OP, nailpolish?

Hmmm the toys are a bit of a distraction here aren't they? If your mother pretended to be pregnant and bought lots of equipment when you and your sister were pregnant well, then, there's something else going on isn't there?

If she's hoarding the toys, and not letting the children have them, well she sounds jealous tbh. I can see why you think she's doing it for attention. I wonder whether you need to address the issues underlying this behaviour, rather than scrapping over the actual toys?

er, no. i dont see what there is to feel. i would feel sorry if her dcs had no toys at all. but i assume that isnt the case.

i think the issue here is the relationship with the OP and her mother, the toys are just a part of this.

My sister has encouraged her to seek help before, she has booked her in at gps, gp has referred her to counsellor, she went once then stopped going. I know friends have suggested counselling to her too, and she hasn't accepted their advice.
My mum is very hard work, I suffer from IBS and tension headaches and am physically ill when I visit her. She is very immature in her behaviour and always has been, even as children we carried her. We have our own children now, and really recognise what we have missed out on as kids.

i think you need to forget about the friggin' toys and try to resolve the realtionship with your mother. before it disintegrates completely.

That struck me immediately too. Is your mum still of child-bearing age, Kay? Is she post-menopausal?

You've suggested in previous threads that she's always been strange. Whatever the underlying reason, it's probably too big to solve with a chat.

I still say, those toys are meant for your children, and you must find a way of reclaiming them.

Oh ffs, yes my son has toys, this is about my mum's behaviour regarding the toys. Her behaviour yesterday was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak.

Yes she has a lot of issues.
She does not want or accept help with these issues.
She will not have counselling.
She refuses ads.
I wanted to know if this is normal behaviour or not as I really really do not know what constitutes as normal mother behaviour.

I'm with nailpolish. And I think you need to get her some help probably. She sounds attention seeking, inappropriate and somewhat impulsive. Forget the toys, they're not that important.
Go talk to the GP about your concerns.

YANBU !!!!

So no Kay, this is not normal mother behaviour. Sorry.

Sorry, but this is about the toys - it' perfectly clear by the thread title. The OP has made it perfectly clear that her mother is not open to counseling or other suggestions put to her in the past.

That's her lookout (and I speak from experience of weird mothers).

Get the toooooys

weird that you are grinning and finding this funny

I don't know why you're being so aggressive about this, nailpolish.

I don't see what is unreasonable about the OP's stance on this. You didn't like my use of an emoticon; I didn't like you calling the OP 'greedy.' I think her mother's problems are one issue, and the toys are another.

It would appear that we're not going to agree on this, but hey! It's not our thread.

When you have toxic, draining parents sometimes all you can do is try to laugh. It is hard for other people to understand these types of parents if you haven't experienced them first hand.
I am sat here crying and shaking. I am gonna take a break for a while as this has stirred up a lot of feelings for me. Am gonna go make a cuppa and calm down.

i would ask feisty sister to have a quiet word with uncle about dropping them off at one of your houses without telling your mum. if he doesnt know she has problems he probably should incase she needs help from him

sorry this has turned into a row ks, have no idea why. hope you feel better after cup of tea

I agree, giggling. Somehow, the uncle just needs to be put in the picture and the toys diverted to either Kay's or sister's house.

Have you asked her why she wants to keep the toys at her house?

i think you should thank your lucky stars you have a mum. some of us are not as fortunate.

lulu, much as I feel for you, that post is neither helpful or relevant.

KS

I think it's a pity this thread has gone the way it has - you need support with your mum's behaviour, which is clearly having a negative impact on your own health.

I don't think it's unreasonable to want your children to be able to play with the toys meant for them, whether they play with them at your mum's house or you take them with you to have at your house, as long as there are some for them to play with at your mum's.

As a comparison from a more functional family, which possibly would be helpful for you - my DSs have toys and books to play with at my parents' house and my in-laws' house. Some of those are things we've bought, some are things they've bought, some are things from mine and DH's childhood (they're the most popular, ironically!). I rotate them with toys they have here and weed occasionally for charity when they've both grown out of things.

Post a thread with a title referring to the relationship with your mother in relationships - you'll get more support and less judgement then, I hope.

KS hope you are feeling better. You have obviously tried to get help for her and I know from experience that there are some people who can not be helped except by someone suitably qualified.

Not sure what else you can do. The toys are obviously a symptom of deeper unresolved problems.

Bumping this thread, Kay.

I hope you're cup of tea has helped, and that you'll come back to this thread when you're ready.

The thought of your dc in tears because he couldn't play with one of his toys is just too much.

KS, really sorry that some people seem to be having a pop at you.

To reassure you that this is not normal parental behaviour - bearing in mind my dad is an out and out nut-job (and yes, sometimes all you can do is laugh about it ), he collects a massive stash of manky toys from car boot sales between gcs visits (both my sis & I live 200miles away from our parents, so we visit once a month at most) and then, whoever happens to be there at the time, he will attempt to foist these things on them.

I find myself backing down the path towards the car going 'no, dad, really, keep it here for when dd comes again' whilst thinking 'Christ, I'm not having that creepy singing teddy with alopecia in my house'!

And my relatively normal inlaws keep a very small stash of toys for gcs and MIL is constantly saying 'oh, I can't wait for dd (the youngest) to grow out of these old toys so I can chuck them away and keep my kitchen tidy!'

So the toy hoarding is definitely bizarre behaviour. If she won't accept help, I think the suggestion that someone made of your sister asking your uncle re. the next toy distribution is a very good idea.

My sympathies to you, she sounds like very hard work.