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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this 'joke' was out of order

29 replies

hally8393 · 14/07/2018 07:47

A girl I used to be friends with as a child got married the other day (we lost touch a while ago). I was looking at her wedding photos on social media and DP said " I got the wrong friend".

She's very pretty, true, but seriously? During our friendship I experienced comments like this about how she was better than me. I was upset/cross with him, and he said it was only a 'funny joke' and to not be so silly. AIBU?

OP posts:
namechangemaestro · 14/07/2018 07:52

It isn't nice and I would feel a bit down too , but I do know other couples who joke with each other like this all the time and it's no big deal to them. So maybe just bad judgement on his part?

wellBeehivedWoman · 14/07/2018 07:53

That's a shitty thing to say Sad

JoyceDivision · 14/07/2018 07:53
Shock What a dick. DH would never say anything like that. Keep it mind to throw it back at him sometime when he least expects it and see if he finds it as funny.
Copperbonnet · 14/07/2018 07:54

He’s an arse.

rosesandflowers1 · 14/07/2018 07:55

Maybe a misjudged joke?

DH wouldn't say it but lots of couples have "banter". Is it possible he meant it just as a silly comment?

Still, if he wants to make jokes like that he should be open to being told that they actually upset people.

Confusicated · 14/07/2018 07:55

Got to disagree with the other posters.

I think I’m an otherwise good relationship where you feel loved and respected I would see it as the jokey comment it was meant as

couchparsnip · 14/07/2018 07:55

When he realised you were upset he should have apologised rather than defending the 'joke'. Not great behaviour. Does he minimise your feelings a lot OP?

Slartybartfast · 14/07/2018 07:56

turn the tables - say the same thing
surely you know him well enough to appreciate the humour?

Cherubfish · 14/07/2018 07:58

It's the kind of 'joke' that would be okay in some relationships and not in others. If it's not okay in yours, tell your DH that.

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 14/07/2018 08:01

In an "otherwise good relationship", you don't make comments that downgrade your partner's looks in favour of other people (let alone a friend!). It was a shitty thing to say and calling it a "joke" doesn't make it better. Maybe he needs to learn to keep those kind of thoughts to himself.

Shitonthebloodything · 14/07/2018 08:04

We joke like this all the time so it wouldn't bother me unless there are other issues.

RhubarbRhubarbRhubarbRhubarb · 14/07/2018 08:05

I think I’d find this a bit hurtful. Not because he thinks she’s ‘prettier’. I have loads of friends prettier than me and I don’t care if someone says so. It’s a fact! What would bother me is that he’s effectively said he’d rather be with her. As a joke obviously. But it’s a pretty horrible joke.

I guess if he just misjudged then meh, but I don’t know. Depends on your relationship. How long have you been partners?

SugarIsAmazing · 14/07/2018 08:07

This is the sort of thing my partner would say to me Grin it's just a joke.

Storm4star · 14/07/2018 08:08

For me the point is whatever the reasons for making this joke, he soon realised you didn’t find it funny. But instead of apologising he told you not to be so “silly”. I’m a bit of a joker but if I ever hurt anyone’s feelings I would apologise straight away, especially if it was someone I was close to. For that reason, I would not be happy.

Bezm · 14/07/2018 08:09

Don't get too bothered by his comment, just turn it round and tell him you'd have preferred George Clooney (other good looking men's names can be substituted) to him!

AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/07/2018 08:21

I'm more bothered by the fact that, having been told that it upset you, his response was to blame you and downplay it.

GorgonLondon · 14/07/2018 08:23

Tell him that unfortunately he'd never have got anywhere with her as she only likes men who are good in bed. What? It's just a joke!

lottiegarbanzo · 14/07/2018 08:31

Sounds like a clumsy, jokey comment - basically, 'she's pretty isn't she?'.

In the context of a good relationship where you're secure with each other, it would be seem a silly joke - yes, no need to put you down to compliment her but a silly, superficial compliment.

Is the reason you didn't find it superficial that you felt real pain at being compared to her in the past - by people who actually knew you both? Remember he doesn't know her. She's just a picture to him.

Nikephorus · 14/07/2018 08:32

It's just a joke!

lottiegarbanzo · 14/07/2018 08:32

But the obvious response would have been 'You, with her? No chance mate!'

Dhalandchips · 14/07/2018 08:35

Ugh. ExH would say things about me all the time. On the outside it looked like banter and everyone thought he was very funny... I was hurt a lot in that relationship.

ICanOnlyLaugh · 14/07/2018 08:35

I'm more bothered by the fact that, having been told that it upset you, his response was to blame you and downplay it.

This.

I wouldn’t make this sort of ‘joke’ (it’s teasing, really) to my DH because it would hurt him, but I’ve been in relationships in the past where it would have been ok in the right context (timing, tone of voice).

But if it backfired and my partner was upset I’d have been so apologetic and reassuring, not angry at them!

lottiegarbanzo · 14/07/2018 08:37

..and 'maybe a joke, but not funny'. Was he interested in understanding why it wasn't?

Interesting that you say people used to say she was 'better than you' not just superficially 'prettier than you'. That suggests that either, you place an undue emphasis on looks, or, that you feel a deeper upset at wider comparisons made then, and are re-feeling them in response to his more trivial comment.

ConstantlyCold · 14/07/2018 08:39

Tell him that unfortunately he'd never have got anywhere with her as she only likes men who are good in bed

That’s an amazing response. My dh would laugh his ass of if I said that to him. But both have a very silly sense of humour.

Hope he’s apologised op. It’s just a joke that fell flat - no big deal.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 14/07/2018 08:40

DH and I are always taking the P out of each other. If you love each other, feel secure and share the same humour it's ok.