anyone else despise DPs computer games?

[SaffronSands]

DP plays on his PlayStation, all the time. I think he's a little addicted as he spends AT LEAST 2 hours a night playing on it. We never go to bed at the same time (and I never go to bed earlier than 10). On the weekend he will stay up until 1am playing and I will get up in the morning with HIS daughter to get her dressed and sort her breakfast etc. I don't mind doing this and actually quite enjoy it but part of me feels that he should be spending this morning time with his DD.

Anyone else have a partner who is obsessed with video games?

We have our first DC together on the way and I'm dreading the PlayStation even being in the house.

My ex-husband was addicted to his games. He would do the same, up til the early hours, back up at 8am to play at the weekends. He would play for 12 hours straight sometimes. I hated it. He ignored me largely and it got so bad he would end up eating his dinner cold. I can only suggest talking to him and, as you would with a child, put a limit on his playing time. What happens when you go into labour? Will be miss the birth because of his addiction?

@Raffles1981 gosh, my DP isn't quite that bad and he always asks me and waits for when I'm in bed, but it does me head in as he's always sleep deprived, does no cleaning or housework because his spare time goes on PlayStation, he even sits with one of those headsets on talking to people and shouting and getting upset when he gets shot which makes me cringe as he's in his 30s. Maybe I just don't get it...

My ex did this. Note the term ex.

If he's like this already with his own child (stays up until 1am to play games and doesn't get up with his daughter) he'll be the same (or worse) when there's a screaming newborn in the house.

There's nothing wrong with video games - I play and enjoy it but not everyday and certainly not until 1am because I have to get up and go to work in the mornings.

I suspect you're now seeing some of the behaviour that lead to his last relationship breaking down. You're already doing the majority of the morning routine with his daughter while he does what he wants - I suspect this won't change when your baby is here and he'll continue to play and opt out of actually being a parent.

For those who enjoy it, gaming is fun. I have a game I play on my iPad and, if I added it up, I probably spend a couple of hours a day playing. Though not all at once. I don’t like this idea that adults can’t be seen to do anything perceived as “childish” when it comes to hobbies. It’s fine if it doesn’t interfere with the rest of your life, but it seems like it does in your DPs case. I don’t think you should be telling him he can’t play or what time he can go to sleep, that is a bit too mothering/controlling. Although, at the same time it’s not unreasonable to want a couple of evenings where you go to bed together. you do have a legitimate point that he needs to help out more. I think rather than try and restrict the gaming, which could put him on the defensive, just explain you need more help and then it’s up to him to manage that. He’s an adult and treating him like a child is going to make you both feel crap.

@Storm4star absolutely. I don't have an issue with the PlayStation. I probably spend an hour or so a day checking mn if I've posted! It's the fact that his PlayStation leads to him being half asleep in the mornings and he doesn't do any housework. I've been up with his DSD for an hour now and he's still in bed. Surely parents get up with their 6 year old children in the morning?

What would happen if you just didn’t get up with her? I agree that yes he should be getting up with her. Have you said this to him? What is his response? He does need to learn to put his responsibilities first. I mean I have lots of things I enjoy doing more than housework, lol. But I do make sure it’s done.

DH and I game together on a MMORG (I think that's the right acronym, I always forget a bit!) We often end up sitting side by side on our laptops, looking for things to hit or items to collect or whatever.

However we are sensible about stopping by 11 at the latest and getting all the chores done first! We've both been known to be up late doing tricky levels and whatever in the past, but you can't allow yourself to do that too often when there's a little dc upstairs who WILL be up by 7am, no matter what.

@Storm4star then she would be sat on her own for an hour or more in the morning! Don't get me wrong I'm nearly 6 months pregnant and would love to have a lie in as soon I won't be getting much sleep at all but he simply won't get up. He will be in bed until at least half 9 today. When I try and talk to him about it he gets snarky and says she's fine. I don't think it is fine to leave a 6 year old for 1-2.5 hours on their own in the morning.

@Spudlet lovely that you do that together. An sounds like you have a very sensible set up!

@GrapesAreMyJam I'm really hoping that DP is the same and plays less/listens to me once baby is born, but the fact that he leaves his DD on her own in the mornings because he's been up late playing suggests not.

GLWT.

@VladmirsPoutine 😒

Hmm, in that case then I would maybe be saying to him that you want to have a talk about routine, roles etc for when the baby arrives. Because you can’t have him gaming and sleeping while you try and manage two children on little sleep. I would want a firm agreement now, which you could start from now so he gets used to it. Maybe you could take it in turns to get up in the morning? I think get it straight in your own mind exactly what you want from him and if he tries to shut you down then say “no, we need to resolve this as the situation isn’t working as it is”.

I think it's more a DH problem than a gaming problem... if it wasn't gaming it would be football, or cycling, or some other time-consuming and 'very important' hobby.

I suspect you may have to try and have a serious talk with him - before the baby arrives.

My ex was the same, still is from what the DC's tell me.
Can the PlayStation 'break' somehow so you can maybe break his habit?

Why are you having a child with this man? If he can’t be bothered to get up for his daughter and leaves you to do it all then he’s going to be even worse when you have a baby together. If he sees your step-daughter as your responsibility he will no doubt feel even more entitled to leave you to deal with the baby and shake off any responsibility.

You need to tackle this now and before you have a tiny newborn in the house, will he still expect to game for several hours each day and into the early hours of the morning when you have all of the added work that comes with a baby? Will he still refuse to do any chores or get up with his daughter when you’ve been up in the night with a baby? Will he help with night feeds and nappies and consoling a newborn with colic who can’t settle or will his games take priority?

You need to start making changes now because once you have the exhaustion of a newborn it will be too emotionally draining to be working on him pulling his weight. Get him into good habits and the mindset of a father as soon as you can. And that doesn’t mean no computer games, there’s nothing wrong with gaming, but children and household chores always come before games - games are for spending free time, not for spending time you should be contributing to the household or spending with family.

It sounds like he hasn’t got the balance quite right, definitely being it up before the baby comes otherwise it sounds like that will cause a lot of issues down the line. FWIW my partner plays a lot of computer games, but has never done so at the expense of time with the children or household jobs. It’s just what he does when the kids are napping, or in the evening when we’re doing our own thing. He doesn’t stay up stupidly late on it either, so I don’t have an issue with it at all.

You might suggest he do what my partner does, get up at 4am with the baby and play computer games when the baby goes back to sleep. DP carves himself out a chunk of gaming time and I get more sleep - win win!

I don't think it would be a problem for him to be on the PS for a couple of hours (or even more) every night if he could cope with the sleep deprivation and it didn't affect his (and your) life.

As he's not pulling his weight around the house and he's neglecting his daughter then he's allowed his gaming to become a problem. YNBU to want to get the situation sorted.

You should definitely have a chat with him about expectations once the baby arrives op. Dh is a gamer and before ds was born he'd play while I watched soaps or read. After ds was born (and he'd settled into a bit of a routine) we had a talk about downtime and decided that he gets to unwind at his pc for an hour or so (after sterilizing bottles and cleaning up after dinner) , while I do ds' bedtime routine.

This works for us and you need to find something that works for you. Good luck op , I hope he's reasonable about this.

I'm the gamer here, DH is a technophobe. He thinks anything I do on my phone is pathetic. If I'm reading an eBook he doesn't see it as the same as a real book.

I also despise DHs games. In theory he has other hobbies too, but they never get a look in. When he gets home from work he goes straight to his laptop and will be on there until bed. On the weekend he will be glued to the laptop both days, and will only get off if he has to (because ive asked him to do something or he has to help his family with something)

It’s so boring. It also made me decide that I don’t wish to have a child together. There were many pros and cons so it wasn’t the only factor, but it was the issue that tipped me over to no.

I know the games would still take priority for him even if we had children. I would always be left doing most of the work, and if he had to watch the child, it would be out of the corner of his eye while he games, probably

Yes

It makes him short tempered, with little patience for me and the kids. We get puffed and panted at if we ask him to do anything or told ‘not right now’

He also doesn’t go out anywhere if he’s off work. He just eats, sleeps and games.

You need to have a chat about what he will do once the baby is here, whether he gets snarky about it or not. Will he stay up late gaming while you're in another room comforting a crying baby and possibly a sleep disturbed 6 year old?

My DH has always been a big gamer. Before he moved in with me he'd literally spend his entire days off gaming, all day and all night. As soon as he got home from work, he'd game. Then we started playing together for a few hours in the evening and he'd stay up after I went to bed. The key thing is that it was all change once our first baby arrived. He played an hour or two in the evening, but would always stop if the baby cried to make sure he was okay and help out. I was fine with that. Now DS is 3 and sleeps all night, me and DH usually play together for an hour in the evening and both go to bed at 10 or 11. DH will stay up until around midnight when he's got a day off. I'm due DS2 in seven weeks and we'll do the same this time around. He knows he probably won't get much time to play especially with a toddler to look after as well.

I wouldn't ever stop someone from enjoying their hobby, but you need to know that he's going to be able to parent as well and not leave you doing all the hard work. You need to have that chat and tell him you're not prepared to have him game all night while you deal with a baby and his daughter.