Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Mother issues tonight. It may be me

31 replies

amber90 · 14/07/2018 01:53

I'm really prepared to hear that I'm being unreasonable here but either way would really appreciate some advice on how to deal with the situation now.

I spoke with my mother for the first time in a couple of weeks tonight after she got back from holiday yesterday. I hadnt heard from her at all when she was away which was fine but I was looking forward to speaking with her. I just started a new job with 4 10 1/2 hour shifts, finishing at 8.30 and have been exhausted when i finish. his is my first full time job for some years and I Really want it to work out. The days have seemed so long but I know I'll get used to it but for now it's been straight home, pjs, a bite to eat and a cuppa then bed.

Anyway, this evening when I spoke with her, she mentioned that a family member was in town next Friday and she'd told her I worked until late but I'd meet them for a drink after I finished work. I started to say I was afraid I'd have to make my excuses this time and could tell she was getting irritated and didnt want the argument so for some reason (I wish I hadnt), I quickly backtracked to say okay, let me know whats happening but it will just be for an hour. The conversation continued and then she mentioned just going to her house after I finish instead of meeting. This would mean more travel and a taxi/lift home and would have to be for more than an hour. I said I didnt want to do that and she went nuts. Began screaming at me to do what I liked and hung up. Immediately after, she rang me, thinking she was ringing someone else and started immediately ranting about how she'd spoken with "her" and how I'd got on her nerves already. I told her it was me and hung the phone up. I then received a text saying how much I had upset her and how she was trying to suit me by suggesting her place but to do what i like.

Sorry - this seems long and doesnt seem like a big deal but it's got me really upset. I feel like she's acting like a child and was in a bad mood from the get go but I may well be being selfish in just wanting to come home. I just want to come home to my other half who i only really spend time with at weekends now.

Either way I'm not sure what to do going forward.

OP posts:

BlueBug45 · 14/07/2018 01:57

You stated what you want to do to her, so stick to it and let her throw her tantrum. You are an adult who can make her own decisions and as soon as your mum realises it the better for her.

Oh and if you can phone the person up you are suppose to be meeting yourself do so. Just explain you have a new job and the long shifts make you extremely tired so you can't see them this time.

Original poster

amber90 · 14/07/2018 02:01

Thankyou so much Bluebug. I've been pretty upset and needed to hear someone else confirm it to me. I appreciate you so much taking the time to reply.

OP posts:

agnurse · 14/07/2018 02:07

YANBU. SHE is. It's not her time to volunteer. I agree with the PP - if she kicks off and throws a fit what's the worst that could happen? She gets herself all worked up over nothing? She can't spank you. She can't take away your privileges. You can cut her off on the phone or email.

Graphista · 14/07/2018 02:15

Even WITHOUT the new tiring job info, it's absolutely unreasonable to make arrangements for another's time without consulting them first.

She is absolutely unreasonable. Do not doubt yourself. Contact the 3rd person and explain the situation but DON'T apologise because you've done nothing wrong.

Your mother actually owes both you AND the third party an apology.

I suspect she knows this and it's her embarrassment making her act like a petulant 2 year old - tough! She's old enough to know better!

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 14/07/2018 02:16

YANBU she is.

She might have called back full well knowing that it was you she was speaking with and wanted to indirectly tell you how she felt. I've known some people to 'accidentally' send the wrong message to the wrong person.

You've done nothing wrong, if you are too tired then you're too tired. I'd speak to the other person if I were you, tell them that you've started a new job and you're just too tired now but you'd love to meet up another time.

ElementalHalfLife · 14/07/2018 02:18

Sounds like my mother, you have my sympathy, the slightest hint of opposition to her wishes regardless of inconvenience or even outright impossibility of complying results in similar rants and tantrums but not with me any more. Compromise (such as you suggested) isn't good enough her. So I stopped. I stopped letting her browbeat me and ride roughshod over me years ago - admittedly moving 5000 miles away was helpful too - and just started saying: No. I can't. I don't want to and if she went off raging and saying how upset I was making her I'd say I was sorry about that but I had to go now and hang up.

You'll still feel guilty and your stomach will churn the first few times but you'll feel it less and less every time you don't give in. It doesn't hurt to give a little on small things that don't out you out too much but when it's something like this that means a major inconvenience to you when you've been working and her making promises to others on your behalf dig your heels in and stand your ground.

Good luck OP.

Original poster

amber90 · 14/07/2018 02:20

Thank you. I'm absolutely going to follow your advice and nip this in the bud and will message the third party tomorrow. That's a really good idea.
You know what it's like.. no one likes to think they've upset their mum and I'd been worrying all evening then it was keeping me up so thank you for taking the time to reassure me I'm not in the wrong here! I really appreciate it.

OP posts:

Monty27 · 14/07/2018 02:20

What time do you finish work on Friday nights and do you work weekends? Do you have children? How close a family member is this visitor?

ElementalHalfLife · 14/07/2018 02:32

Why does any of that matter Monty? OP has a perfectly valid reason for not wanting to do this - she'll be too tired after working. And even if it was that she simply couldn't be arsed that's a valid reason too. No one hads the right to make demands on her time or make arrangements or promises on her behalf. No, not even her mother.

Original poster

amber90 · 14/07/2018 02:35

I finish at 8.30 which doesnt sound late but after working 4 days of 10 1/2 hour shifts, I know I was exhausted when I got in this evening and crashed right out on the couch for a few hours. I dont work weekends or have kids. I'm not particularly close with them - its a cousin on my mothers side but my mother and siblings are all closer. It would be great to see them but they visit a few times a year. I've emailed them now to explain and that I'll catch up with them next time so feel much better.

OP posts:

LighthouseSouth · 14/07/2018 02:45

OP your mother has been very rude to you, you're not doing anything wrong

I'd be telling her to grow up!

Monty27 · 14/07/2018 02:47

@ElementalHalfLife do you know the op? Only you seem to be speaking on her behalf. Funny that you must be psychic.

Op if not a close family member I don't know what the big deal with your dm is. Maybe she wants to see you at her own beck and call
Put your feet up.

melonscoffer · 14/07/2018 02:49

Well done, it is perfectly reasonable that you form your own relationships with your relatives now you are an adult.

Your Mother cannot act like you are still a child. You can see your cousin whenever convenient for you and the cousin. Not at your Mothers say so.

Does she not support you in your new job, why is she making your life difficult at a tiring time for you? It is her failing. She should not be stressing you out.

ElementalHalfLife · 14/07/2018 03:00

Apologies Monty if I misread your intent but given I have the same kind of mother perhaps I felt a bit overprotective and your questions seemed to be leading up to persuading the OP to try and find a way to accommodate her mother's demand request. My mother has flying monkeys who do that for her.

Aquamarine1029 · 14/07/2018 03:01

Your mother is completely unhinged. Stand up for yourself and refuse to cave in to her emotional terrorism.

Monty27 · 14/07/2018 03:10

No worries ElementalHalfLife. I just needed some more background info.
My dm has passed but never made any demand like that on me in fact she wasn't all that bothered
I wouldn't have the energy for a demanding dm though.

Topseyt · 14/07/2018 03:16

Stand up to your mother and don't let her walk all over you like this.

Back out of the arrangement now. Just tell her that you didn't appreciate her toddler-like behaviour and that she has no right to try to organise your time for you.

Then engage no further. She may well throw a further strop, but just leave her to get on with it.

thebewilderness · 14/07/2018 03:41

It is my firm belief that people who refuse to take no for an answer are not safe to be around.

Your mother behaved abusively because you told her no. Then she blamed you for her bad behavior.
Is this unusual behavior for her or is it a pattern?

Ohyesiam · 14/07/2018 04:06

Why is your mother speaking to you with such disrespect? Her behaviour is terrible.
It’s not for her to say what suits you. Has she always been so erratic? I’d be seriously distancing myself from her.
Sorry you’ve been treated like this op.

Manxmumofthree · 14/07/2018 04:14

Stick to your plan.

You are not being unreasonable at all.
I've had some trying moments with my own mother over the years, some phone calls have resulted in us not speaking for long periods of time :/ we have always made up and I've always made it clear that my opinion or decision hasn't changed, we just need to move on and agree to disagree.

Contact family member, meet for an hour and go home 👍

ItsalmostSummer · 14/07/2018 04:17

Just be you. You can do whatever you like. Your mum has no power over you, so try and tell yourself that. She can beg, plead, demand, argue, scream, cry, suggest, or anything - she’s still just her saying and doing her stuff and it has nothing to do with you! Anything she does say or do you can choose to take on board or just leave alone. You are not responsible for her! Only she is. Let go and get on with your life. If she fits in around you awesome. If not, don’t get worried about it. It’s not your problem.

Nancydrawn · 14/07/2018 04:21

OP, new jobs are exhausting and it's perfectly reasonable to be knackered at the end of the week. However, you could work four 6-hour-days a week and still not want to hang out with your cousin-with-whom-you're-not-close on a Friday night. Your mother does not get to appoint herself your social secretary. For all she knew, you had already made plans that night. This is why we don't make plans for other people, particularly people we haven't spoken to in a fortnight.

So, YANBU, as everyone has said. Your mother sounds more than a little unhinged. Ignore her tantrum other than a firm word, repeated as often as necessary. Do not explain yourself--there is no need.

My main advice for the night in question: treat yo' self. Do something you enjoy, so you're not sitting there feeling guilty. (No reason to, but my guess is that you wouldthat you might feel as if she was right and you weren't properly busy.) If it's pricey takeout and Netflix, or a long bath with a glass of nice wine, or a solo trip to the movies, or a long quiet night with a good new book, or a long walk, or whateverdo something fun and splurge. It'll take the edge off.

KC225 · 14/07/2018 04:22

YANBU. Your Mother should not be making arrangements on your behalf. If a family member was in town there your DM could have met them and then INVITED you not order you around.

Starting a new job is exhausting. An those shifts sound gruelling. It sounds as if she is a little self cebfrsd and lacking in empathy. Is she always like this?

As for catching her ringing up someone and moaning about you - well you are completely within your rights to feel hurt. Is is too much to expect a bit of loyalty from your DM. Anyone would be hurt, I also wondered if she ranig you 'by mistake'.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2018 05:12

Your mother wants the family member looked after? She meets them. She is cross because now she feels as though she’s got to do the grunt work.

When your cousin comes again, you know you don’t have to necessarily go and see them in town. You could always meet for a drink in your local or come over to yours for a cuppa and cake for example. Don’t be bullied into doing as you are told.

Absolutely agree with the consensus. Your mother is behaving like a toddler then painting you as unreasonable. She will totally deny the hissy fit and put that one on you.

PurpleFlower1983 · 14/07/2018 05:18

Is she retired? I think sometimes people who are retired forget what working all hours is like. I know my parents/grandparents have been guilty of that on occasions.

Flip

1 2