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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex wants specific times to FaceTime DS whilst on holiday

61 replies

Winosaurus · 13/07/2018 19:46

Ex has booked to go to America for 2 weeks... knowing this I booked our family holiday for whilst he’s away.
The time difference will be 9 hours whilst we’re abroad too and Ex is insisiting that DS (3yo) FaceTimes him at specific times whilst he’s away. Suggesting 11am or 7pm our time.
Where we are going (family holiday home, regularly visited) I know I don’t get 4G in many places and that FaceTime is only an option whilst we’re in the villa where there’s WiFi and I can’t and won’t guarantee we’ll be home at those times as it’ll restrict our ability to go out.
I explained to Ex that I have phone signal most places so he can always call and if we’re in the villa he can FaceTime, but if we’re not then he’ll just have to speak to DS on the phone.

Ex has kicked off saying I’m unreasonable and that he “can’t go 2 weeks without seeing DS”... well I pointed out that we’re actually only away for a week so he can FaceTime whenever the week we’re home and actually if he was that bothered then why did he book to go away for 2 weeks without considering DS?

He’s not letting it drop and I’m not having my holiday movements or planned being dictated by him wanting to pin us down to specific times.

WIBU to just tell him to fuck off if he carries on? He’s getting on my nerves always trying to be so controlling Angry

OP posts:
Bluelady · 13/07/2018 20:48

Just say yes and do as you like.

Metoodear · 13/07/2018 20:49

Tell him 5:13amGrin

LannieDuck · 13/07/2018 20:57

Given that he normally sees his son on a Weds and EOW, why not agree to those Facetimes on the Weds (i.e. accommodate him for 'his' day), and the other days you'll be off doing your own thing like normal.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 13/07/2018 21:08

We can’t FaceTime Weds morning because this Weds we’ll be flying there and the following Weds we’ll already be home.
And I can’t see the other 4 members of my family (DP, DD and DSDx2) agreeing to stay in on our first night so Ex can FaceTime DS.
Btw Ex is having DS on Tues night before everyone goes on holiday anyway, and next weekend whilst we’re away wouldn’t have been Ex’s weekend anyway - he’s got him this weekend.
He is seriously just being a twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
Winosaurus · 13/07/2018 21:08

Metoodear I like it Grin

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 13/07/2018 21:13

Those are odd times to suggest for a 9 hour time difference. If he's 9 hours ahead that's 8 pm and 3 am for him. And if he's 9 hours behind it's 2 am and 10 am. Are the wee hours normal for him to be awake (and not drunk)?

Not that that matters, but it makes me wonder if he's deliberately trying to make your holiday difficult.

Tell him his hours don't work for you and you're not compromising DS's holiday for his convenience but if he wants set times you think you can do 8 am [or whatever time is likely to be convenient for you] every other day, but if that ends up being problematic you may have to rearrange.

Tistheseason17 · 13/07/2018 21:18

wow he is a turd.

Say, "yes of course we can as long as I have wifi"

Then put your phone on silent and enjoy the break!

Original poster
Winosaurus · 13/07/2018 21:28

It’s behind so yeah... 2am and 10am for him?! He’s so odd at the best of times (one of the reasons he’s the Ex).
Without being too outing he’s going to Vegas so it’s likely he will be awake at 2am but unlikely to be up again at 10am

OP posts:
BoomBoomsCousin · 13/07/2018 21:33

If he's going to Vegas, waking him up at 10 am sounds somewhat appealing. Grin

I don't think he's being unreasonable to want to arrange some time to speak with his son while he's on holiday. But he can't dictate the terms.

RandomMess · 13/07/2018 21:34

If Skype contact isn't in the court order I would seriously just say "that doesn't work for us, you can try Skyping as and when you wish and DS can answer if we receive it."

Isawthelight · 13/07/2018 22:33

We’ll be away with my DP and his kids too so I wonder if he’s deliberately awkward because of that?

Of course it is. He's jealous. Tell him to get stuffed, how dare he insist anything.

PitterPatterOfBigFeet · 13/07/2018 23:05

Well he's being ridiculous so I wouldn't even engage with him. I agree with PP just come out with some stock phrase "sorry that won't work for us" and repeat ad infitim.

FriggingMardyCow · 13/07/2018 23:32

If he can Facetime before you go away and when you get back, just pick one night (one facetime call in a week is a reasonable request IMO) whilst away at 7pm and then that is fairly similar level to his current access arrangements. Lots of Spanish restaurants have free wifi, your DS could speak to him while you are out so it would be fairly minimal impact.

If two adults can't sort something so simple as a single 10 minute facetime call in a one week period then neither of you come out of this smelling of roses.

Both you and your ex partner are entitled to go on a two week holiday without your child when the other one is looking after them, separated families do this all the time, it's perfectly normal. So I think calling him out for having a two week holiday booking is below the belt, no matter how much of an arse he may be.

Ssssurvey · 13/07/2018 23:49

I think a message/email saying you will try your best given the circumstances is appropriate. I always think that when you have partner issues you should imagine how the grown up child will perceive the evidence. Make sure you are always being agreeable or at the very least seen to be, should your child query anything in the future. I know it's hard x

crimsonlake · 13/07/2018 23:59

He is trying to control you and by you constantly replying he is maintaining that control. Tell him once and for all it wont work for you...then do not engage anymore. Take back control.

BitOutOfPractice · 14/07/2018 05:02

What the hell will he chat about with a 3YO twice a bloody day anyway? Your DS won't want to stop what he's doing with his step siblings and chat to his dad is he?

He's being a knob

Monty27 · 14/07/2018 05:16

Please tell me he's not an Elvis personater Grin
Anyway the DS is with you so he has to work around your time zone. Simple.
Forget about his demands and have great jollies ya'll Smile

CurlyWurlyTwirly · 14/07/2018 05:29

But it's your word against his in the long run. Always good to have it in writing, you never know when you might need it!
especially if you don't have a court order

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/07/2018 05:34

Send him an email with exactly what you’ve said here - how often he sees/speaks to your ds on average. That you’ve been amenable, swapped weekends, he’s having ds on days he does not normally have him etc.

Offer him maybe 2/3 contact times in the week when you are away at 7pm or whatever time you think you could be back. Be clear he has to call you. Then state you’ll be free to FaceTime every day in the U.K. as long as there is signal where you are.

Restate you’re sorry he’ll miss your ds dreadfully. That you're only away for the one week. Be clear that you specifically took the holiday to coincide with his dates as you strongly believe ds should see his father as regularly as possible and didn’t want to further reduce the time they spend together by booking it at a different time. You cannot guarantee this will be possible in the future. However, you’re trying to be as helpful as possible.

Let the arsehole stick that in his pipe and smoke it.

MountainPeakGeek · 14/07/2018 06:01

If I were you I would say that he can FaceTime once per day, at a convenient time for you and your DS, e.g. 8am your time if you're early risers, so 11pm for him (or maybe 4pm for you, so 7am for him Grin?) Other than that he has to make do with phone calls.

Floradoranora · 14/07/2018 06:01

I would put plans in place for one call on the Wednesday as thats how its usually done.

Copperbonnet · 14/07/2018 06:21

I live in the US with a 6 hr time difference to the U.K. We rarely book time to FaceTime with family back home.

Usually one or other of us sends a quick WhatsApp to check it’s a suitable time and then calls if it is.

The problem with booking slots in advance is that if something happens to mean that the other person doesn’t call or pick up the D.C. can end up disappointed or upset.

Spontaneous works better for us.

Original poster
Winosaurus · 14/07/2018 08:46

There’s no court order and I’m not stopping him from contacting DS... as I’ve stated he can phone him whenever he wants to, he just may not be able to FaceTime him if we’re not in the villa.
As I’ve said before where we’re going is a pretty rural and very traditional area of Spain, not really touristy so the restaurants don’t have WiFi (people still cart stuff about on donkeys and sell food produce in the street - think olive groves and farm land).

I don’t know what this “his word against mine” nonsense is about? To whom will his word be said? To DS? A court? He would never go to court due to only being able to make phone calls and not FaceTime whilst HE was abroad for a week at the same time as us, seriously a judge would find that ridiculous.

It’s 6 nights, I’m not accommodating his nonsense. He can call whenever he likes, if we’re home he can FaceTime, if not then tough luck it’ll just have to be a chat on the phone.

Also I have no problem with him going away for 2 weeks, he does it several times a year and sometimes for longer. It’s the way he using his holiday to accuse me of keeping him away from his son... he chose to go away for 2 weeks without him and for only 6 days of that he can’t FaceTime him. He can phone whenever, and then FaceTime him the following week.

In March/April he went to Thailand for 3 weeks and spoke to DS once the whole time he was away. I just don’t believe he’s that bothered and think he’s deliberately trying to be awkward.

This is the only holiday me and my DCs are having this year and I’m not having him trying to boss me about because of it.
I could’ve booked for a cheaper week (we had permission from school to go this week) but chose to do it whilst he was already away to minimise the impact on DS. I think I’ve been accommodating enough tbh.

So I will text him this
“Sorry specific times won’t work for us as we don’t really have a routine on holiday. Feel free to call me to speak to DS whenever you like and if we’re home you can FaceTime us”.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 14/07/2018 09:11

You need to go grey rock with your ex. He can kick off, you give one response and ignore the rest of his tantrums.

What pathetic behaviour from him!!

MakeItRain · 15/07/2018 09:29

Your text is perfect. The 'his word against mine' "nonsense" was my comment. I didn't mean anything insulting by it. My experience has been endless court cases in which all sorts of seemingly trivial disagreements just like the one you're talking about were raised and distorted in court by my ex. A judge has no idea who's telling the truth if one parent says something like "she refused to let my son speak to me as we usually did, and he was distraught". I had to present emails and texts as evidence to show he wasn't telling the truth. So I always advise anyone to calmly get things in writing these days.

But good for you that you won't have to put up with anything like it and can simply tell him where to go. Grin Enjoy your holiday!