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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my husband to come home early?

73 replies

WirlyTwoo · 13/07/2018 15:36

I told my husband a few weeks ago that I would be having drinks with work colleagues on a Thursday night on account of me leaving the role and he suggested he could leave work early on the Friday (e.g. 4/430pm) so that he could look after my son for the last couple of hours before bedtime in case I was tired from the night before (I look after my son on Fridays). A couple of days before I asked my husband if he still thought he would be able to do that and he said yes, absolutely fine. Now it is the day after my leaving drinks (which I took easy on account of wanting to have a fun day with my son) and my husband told me in the morning he didn’t know what time he would leave. He’s now text me to say he has an away afternoon with colleagues doing a scavenger hunt and won’t likely leave until 5pm or later. I’m feeling a bit let down by this as I rarely ask him to come home early and think it’s very much optional for him to stay after 5 but think I’m probably being unreasonable. However, he does have a bit of a track record of saying he will be home at a reasonable time and then coming home much later after drinks with colleagues (e.g. he got home on Wednesday night at 1.30am). Appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:

Tinkobell · 13/07/2018 16:29

He's Probably worried about coming home now cos it sounds like he's in for a right royal rollicking. Meh. It's Friday. Order a pizza, enjoy a glass at home and stick something good on the box.

BackforGood · 13/07/2018 16:33

I too am a bit confused by the language in the opening post, tbh.

It does seem to be making a complete drama out of nothing, to expect your dh to duck out of work early because you went out the day before

Can you tell us is the scavenger hunt something that he has to do / part of a Team building thing from work, or if it is just something he fancies doing with colleagues ? Tbh, either way, it seems silly for one parent to miss something they'd like to do with colleague for the sake of getting in 30mins to an hour earlier when the other parents isn't actually going out or anything.

As a rule, it is disappointing if someone offers to do something and then doesn't, but, in the scheme of things, "not getting home and hour early" doesn't seem that big a crime if you aren't needing to go out.

However, this smacks of one of those threads where you are going to wait for us all to answer, then start adding in massive dripfeeds.

BrexitWife · 13/07/2018 16:39

I disagree when the not coming home early on that occasion is the symptom of a much more widespread attitude that says he can’t be bothered to make an effort for the OP once in a while.
After all, HE proposed to come back early. The Op didn’t ask in the first place.

The vocabulary about my son and looking afte my son also makes me think there is a clear divide where the ds is the OP’s responsibility and only hers. Despite her saying they share parenting 50/50.

OP how often are you going out on your own and your DH stays at home to look after HIS son?
Does he have form for promising stuff and then going back on his word?
Or to make things more difficult for you?

BrexitWife · 13/07/2018 16:43

Littlechocola please thé read the OP properly!!!

The OP has never asked her DH to come back because of a night out. Never.
She was expecting him to come back because HE suggested he could go come back early and HE confirm he would be back early but then HE decided to do something for himself instead, right at the last minute.
If I was the Op I would have planned my day around the idea he would be back early and would be cheesed off he had buggered off somewhere else after proposing and promising to be back early.

Nicknacky · 13/07/2018 16:49

So he is only leaving a maximum of an hour later than he said he would? I’m not getting the issue. He is coming home at the time he normally would, I could see your point if he was going to be late but he isn’t.

Nicknacky · 13/07/2018 16:49

some The op has had her night out, he didn’t stop her.

kaytee87 · 13/07/2018 16:54

I'm unsure why you need him to be at home tbh? I'd understand if you felt you needed a lie in the morning after a night out but seems unusual that you need help at this time of the day.
Never the less, he's let you down which is frustrating if you were looking forward to an hour to yourself.

TellsEveryoneRealFacts · 13/07/2018 16:57

Are you tired OP?

BlueBug45 · 13/07/2018 17:02

So you OH changed his plans and you are upset because he didn't give you notice?

DarlingNikita · 13/07/2018 17:03

Some of you are being deliberately obtuse, or perhaps failing to comprehend.

The OP did not 'expect' her DH to come home early to take over childcare. HE SUGGESTED that he do so.

He reconfirmed when asked about it again. Then he decided, on the day in question, not to leave work early after all.

Whether the OP is or isn't tired or hungover isn't the point. What specific language she uses about the child isn't the point.

The point is, he suggested something that she took him up on. Then he moved the goalposts at the last moment.

It's unreliable and disrespectful and if it were my DP I'd let him know that in no uncertain terms.

Original poster

WirlyTwoo · 13/07/2018 17:08

Sorry for lack of clarity in OP. I meant our son not my son. The leaving drinks were for me leaving a company after 10 years so was expecting to be pretty hungover which is why my husband offered and I have done same for him when he goes out on Friday night. I think it’s a compulsory away day but I didn’t know anything about it.

OP posts:

Nicknacky · 13/07/2018 17:19

darling And sometimes things happen and plans change. Are you so rigid in real life that no deviation from plans or suggestions are allowed?

Finishing early would have been a bonus for the op but given he's at work then he is not unreasonable to be there until his finishing time.

DarlingNikita · 13/07/2018 17:23

Are you so rigid in real life that no deviation from plans or suggestions are allowed?

rigid is an interesting choice of words. Are you so rude/flaky/disrespectful that you will agree something with someone and then happily change the plan at the last minute even if it inconveniences them?

If it's a compulsory away day then he shouldn't have offered to come home early in the first place, then there would have been no problem.

BackforGood · 13/07/2018 17:23

I agree with NickNacky

Sometimes things change.

This is one of those days - he either didn't know about, or forgot about this event (which is part of his working day), so, as it is on, and he isn't actually needed at home, then he is staying at work until leaving time. As I would do in the circumstances. It really is no big deal.

Feelingthepain · 13/07/2018 17:24

Do you ever get a Friday off? Is it really split equally? Sounds like he does what he pleases.

Nicknacky · 13/07/2018 17:26

darling

I have had to tell my h I'm not coming home on time when I have said I will do my best. Not flaky, just a professional at work. And at times it's been an inconvenience.

Thankfully he doesn't consider that disrespectful and can understand things come up.

RafikiIsTheBest · 13/07/2018 17:34

Why would OP get a Friday off? That's like asking someone who's DP works every Sunday if they ever get a Sunday off, or a Tuesday... He's at work. This is a work event in work time and sounds like it's compulsory.

BrexitWife · 13/07/2018 17:35

Not flaky, just a professional at work.
There is a difference between being professional and just deciding to do something else instead.
What I got from the Op is that he decided he just had a better offer and was basically flaky.
Not that he had no other choice but to stay at home.

I personally would forgive being stuck because
Not if he had ‘forgotten’ (really, is it ok to be that disorganised?) or is being flaky/can’t be bothered/prefers to do x and y with colleagues rather than looking after his own dc.

BrexitWife · 13/07/2018 17:38

Oh missed the update from the OP.

In that case, he is being at the very least extremely disorganised.
If not actually flaky for organising one thing at home that he would never have been able to do. (A compulsory day would have been planned way in advance, not on the day)

If both instances had been work stuff, he would have look like a prat for organising something he just couldn’t attend.
Diaries are there for a reason!!

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 13/07/2018 17:51

It would have been nice, but it’s not the end of the world. I’m not really grasping what the issue is. He’s been called in to do a work thing, so you now have to look after your son for the evening with a hangover? Is that the gist.

Feelingthepain · 13/07/2018 18:04

Friday night I meant. If he works nights that's different. I mean when they aren't working obviously ffs.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 13/07/2018 19:43

How old is your son

Sunrise888 · 13/07/2018 19:52

I sympathise OP, my DH makes little promises too, and then bails out of them. They are just little things, like going out to dinner together and then changing his mind at the last minute because he wants us to save the money (hard to argue with that logic even if we can afford it), but it's hurtful of its part of an ongoing pattern.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2018 19:59

I think the goal posts moved when you didn't get bladdered.
It was nice (and a bit strange) that he offered to finish work early if you were going to be hanging.
But you weren't, thus he might as well commit to whatever work thing was happening.
What was he going to say to his boss 'I have to leave early because I told my wife, who is fine, that I would if she wasnt.'
Let it go.

trojanpony · 13/07/2018 20:48

Yes it’s his son and we share childcare responsibilities equally.

No you don’t.
He is an irresponsible and flaky husband.

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