Birthday let down

[basketweave]

It's my birthday and I feel abit miffed that dh hadn't got me a card or anything, he said yday he's been really busy and we will celebrate on Sunday, that's fine however I'm abit upset that i didn't get a card and a cup of tea, we've had a baby this year!! And I was really looking forward to a card with Mummy on it! He is normally abit crap with birthdays you have to tell him exactly what you want which I don't enjoy really, but I did it again even sent him the link, it was something for the house aswell not like I asked for diamonds, he only had to order it, but he hasn't even done that 😏. He works really hard and is busy, but he is always busy! He manages to organise himself for other things, I don't like thinking bad of him as he is always working for our family and looking after us, and we're very much in love and have a lovely life.

I'm going for lunch with some friends, not that he asked, and I Imagine on Sunday I'll get some flowers but it's over then, aibu to want a card on my birthday not days later when he can b bothered, just for ref, his birthday I took him on holiday and got him presents and arranged a birthday dinner on the beach. I only wanted a cup of tea and maybe some toast! Moan over! As I'm getting some awesome cuddles from my baby xx

He needs to be a role model to your baby. Choosing a gift, wrapping, keeping the secret, then seeing the delight on someone’s face when they are given it, is important.

I second not getting him anything for his birthday, let him see how it feels

He just popped home and I thought yippee ! But was to pick somthing up, I cudnt hide my sad face and said I only wanted a Mummy card, and he said Nooooo we're doing your birthday on Sunday! And that he just thought that ment cards and gifts on Sunday, he looked generally bothered that I was sad and said he will make it up to me

Happy birthday, OP

It’s my birthday today too

My (stbx)h is rubbish at birthdays too (not why he is stbx, but it didn’t help!). The crap bit here is we have 3 dc, who are all old enough to know it is my birthday, but not old enough to sort out cards/presents, so they get upset if he doesn’t step up.

I had to organise a trip to the shops for him to help dc chose presents. Yesterday, dc1 was upset as he was working late, and hadn’t yet found time to wrap said presents/write cards with the dc, so I spent all evening soothing the dc, telling them that daddy would have a plan etc (he didn’t - it was a rush job this morning, and chaotic).

It’s crap, and meant the dc were stressing instead of having fun.

Tell your dp now. Get him to step up and change habits, if not for you (although that should be enough!) then for your dc, because it isn’t fair to them to end up worried and bothered over something that is supposed to be fun.

Looks like in his head he's thought Sunday was ok, as it was when he has time to do it properly.

On the other hand, I find taking him on holiday, birthday dinner on beach and gifts really excessive, so seems you're at opposite ends of how to handle it when it comes to birthdays.

Being busy is no excuse. Your birthday is on the same day every year, he had a year to do something.

I’ve had this discussion with friends whose Hs do nothing for birthdays or Christmas. Invariably the H’s parents always did it for them (bought presents for family) or didn’t do anything at all, so it’s normal for them to not think of others.

I know someone in her 40s who never bought a gift for anyone, her mother did it, even wrote Christmas cards and sent them on her behalf! When her mother died she lost touch with all her family because she never thought to even send a card at Christmas.

His DP's idea of a wedding anniversary celebration was to sit in a caravan in a field with a 99p cream sandwich cake from the co-op.

he said Nooooo we're doing your birthday on Sunday!

So he is re- scheduling your birthday to suit him.

Is he so controlling in other areas OP?

said he will make it up to me

Doesn't work like that though.

Maybe a 5 year old can be fobbed off with an ice cream because their toy broke.

Adults don't work that way.

Ignoring your birthday is - well ignoring your birthday.

And that remains the bottom line no matter how he intends to "make it up to you".

Nah, wouldn't have it.

There’s a time and a place for postponing celebrations.

We are going out on Sunday to ‘celebrate’ my birthday - eldest dc is still at school, so tricky to do much today - BUT cards and presents were done this morning before the school run. My actual birthday was marked (and again, it doesn’t take much - a card, a thought on the proper day. H managed to get up and help the dc write cards this morning, but then disappeared off when it was time to get them dressed and ready for school - would have been nice to have the morning off doing that!).

By agreement we are going ‘out’ on Sunday (to the cinema, for a family friendly film) as hats when we can all be together for an outing, but that wouldn’t let H off sorting out the dc for today.

Well done for explaining to him how you feel basketweave.

He obviously has wrong different expectation about how birthdays work. Enjoy your "official birthday" on Sunday, but at some point, do let him know that it's important for you to feel those closest to you have remembered and made an effort, even if your celebrations are on another day.

(How hard is a card FFS!! Probably don't say that bit!)

You both need to adjust your expectations.

I expect nothing and certainly not a card with Mummy on it from my DP. I hate fuss - I'm not 5. BUT you want all that stuff. He doesn't see it as important - so you both need to compromise.

He sounds like he has all the important things right though - and that is what counts.