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Original poster

Birthday let down

62 replies

basketweave · 13/07/2018 08:57

It's my birthday and I feel abit miffed that dh hadn't got me a card or anything, he said yday he's been really busy and we will celebrate on Sunday, that's fine however I'm abit upset that i didn't get a card and a cup of tea, we've had a baby this year!! And I was really looking forward to a card with Mummy on it! He is normally abit crap with birthdays you have to tell him exactly what you want which I don't enjoy really, but I did it again even sent him the link, it was something for the house aswell not like I asked for diamonds, he only had to order it, but he hasn't even done that 😏. He works really hard and is busy, but he is always busy! He manages to organise himself for other things, I don't like thinking bad of him as he is always working for our family and looking after us, and we're very much in love and have a lovely life.

I'm going for lunch with some friends, not that he asked, and I Imagine on Sunday I'll get some flowers but it's over then, aibu to want a card on my birthday not days later when he can b bothered, just for ref, his birthday I took him on holiday and got him presents and arranged a birthday dinner on the beach. I only wanted a cup of tea and maybe some toast! Moan over! As I'm getting some awesome cuddles from my baby xx

OP posts:
IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 13/07/2018 10:12

Tell him how upset you are that he couldn't be arsed to get a card and order the present you sent him a link for, tell him it makes you feel as if you don't matter and that you notice he can always find time for the things he wants to do. Next year, do NOTHING on his birthday, let him see how it feels. If nothing changes then in future just organise your own birthday presents/days out with your friends/family and leave him out of those celebrations.

speakout · 13/07/2018 10:13

Next year, do NOTHING on his birthday, let him see how it feels

Completely agree.

ScreamingValenta · 13/07/2018 10:13

Happy Birthday! Cake Wine Glitterball.

If your friends ask, say DH is saving your presents till Sunday so you can have a family celebration.

I hope he gets you something lovely! Have you told him you would like a 'mummy' themed Baby-Grow for your DC to wear - he might not guess this one if you have only hinted at it?

Sophiesdog11 · 13/07/2018 10:13

Happy Birthday Op, I hope you have a lovely day. 🎉 🎂

He works really hard and is busy, but he is always busy

You are making excuses for him, lots of people work hard - men and women - but still manage to do cards etc.

As for Condragulations - he had no clue what Mother’s Day - words fail me, surely he has a mum, unless he is from another planet it is hard to miss Mothers day. I have a son, he recognises mothers day now, I sincerely hope that he will not conveniently forget it for his partner if he ever has a child!

I have been with DH 25 yrs, married almost 22, and he has never missed a birthday, mothers day, anniversary. He works hard, long hours (self employed contractor) and has worked away in Uk and abroad, always had at least an hours commute when at home, but it hasn't stopped him making time to get card, present, maybe some flowers. There really is no excuse in this era of 24hr shops.

And we have had 2 DC too, the second with a heart defect and born 7 weeks early, in hospital for a month, with some initial heart surgery at 5 days, it didn't stop me recognising DH birthday 2 weeks later and I know it would've been the same if my birthday had fallen in that period.

He manages to organise himself for other things - Op, maybe ask him how he manages to organise other things but not your birthday. Maybe his answer will explain where you lie in his priorities.

Melamin · 13/07/2018 10:13

My DH is shit at birthdays and scared of flowers Hmm and gets himself into a dither over the concept of surprises in case they don't work out (which they don't because of his attitude to them). We had words. He is really good at a cup of tea and a kiss and a card now. Sometimes he can do chocolate too Grin In fact he does the cup of tea every day Grin

An achievable compromised target.

Unfortunately, this does rub off on the kids - not sure it is good for their future relationships Confused His DP's idea of a wedding anniversary celebration was to sit in a caravan in a field with a 99p cream sandwich cake from the co-op.

itsBritneyBeach · 13/07/2018 10:13

Happy birthday OPThanksCake

I agree with PP, this is shit and there's no excuse really, no matter how busy he is. If he's ALWAYS busy he should have known or cared enough to take some time out of his schedule for his wife and baby. If you don't want to cause a scene I'd text something along the lines of "so Mr Busybody, can't wait to see what you and (insert baby's name here) have got me - my first birthday as a mummy! Xx" and if he doesn't take that hint then he's a knob!

However, I don't mind causing a scene and would quite frankly say exactly what's on my mind and you should do the same! He's a grown up OP, and this isn't on. I hope he pulls something special out the bag Thanks

DeadGood · 13/07/2018 10:16

Apart from anything else, why Sunday? Does he work Saturday?

slowsloegin · 13/07/2018 10:16

I made out this morning that I wasn't bothered as don't want him to feel bad, but I am

You do need to let him know this is important to you. You are upset about him prioritising his immediate needs over yours. But you are also prioritising his immediate needs over yours.

One of you needs to start prioritising you a bit, to show the other one it's necessary to do so, sometimes! I reckon that someone is going to have to be you.

slowsloegin · 13/07/2018 10:21

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh! I'm speaking form experience as I tend to put others' feelings first too, and my DP can be crap at birthdays.

He's getting better though.

When your DC is older, you need to get your DP to get them to get a present for you, to socialise them into buying presents for you! Don't expect him to think of it.

I send DP off with the kids to the local charity shop with £2 each to buy me some crap a token present. If I didn't, he'd forget! But it's important for me for the kids to get used to the ritual of presents, else they're not going to do it when they're older, and in the charity shop they get to choose it. I don't mind if it's hideous!! It's that they tried and chose something that matters to me.

I have an interesting collection of costume jewellery and hair slides now!

GenericDietCola · 13/07/2018 10:25

Happy birthday!

Please don’t be a martyr. Text him to tell him you were upset not to get a card etc. and ask him to make up for it this evening. Sulking will achieve nothing, though YANBU.

Original poster
basketweave · 13/07/2018 10:26

But if I message him now asking him to get me a card, it won't be the same, as I've had to ask for it! May aswell go and get my own x

OP posts:
arranfan · 13/07/2018 10:28

As above, for people who know that they're bad with birthdays etc., that's why MoonPig and similar services exist.

Even if something is not important to your DH, he knows it's important to others, so make the effort to set this up. Over time, this lack of empathy/consideration can place a considerable strain on relationships.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 13/07/2018 10:32

Meant to say Happy Birthday Op, enjoy the the baby cuddles. Flowers

speakout · 13/07/2018 10:33

But if I message him now asking him to get me a card, it won't be the same, as I've had to ask for it! May aswell go and get my own x

Totally agree OP.

You want him to remember and care enough to do that without being asked.

I get that.

That's why I would plan my day on Sunday- without him.

If he brings up the subject of Sunday just say "Oh I can't manage, I have booked into a yoga class/ cinema tickets/ arranged to meet a friend"

speakout · 13/07/2018 10:34

OP basically he wants your birthday celebrations to be on his terms.

Bugger that.

problembottom · 13/07/2018 10:36

"Busy" isn't an excuse for this. In DP's previous job he was always working in the US for a fortnight when my birthday came around. I still got a card and flowers and then presents when he returned. I wouldn't tell him to get you a card, I'd just tell him you feel disappointed and hurt.

LIVIA999 · 13/07/2018 10:40

I have a friend who buys cards for herself and her husband signs them. She has to give them to him. I'm can't get over that. Then she opens them and looks pleased in front of the children when she opens them.

ACatsNoHelpWithThat · 13/07/2018 10:41

There's no one so busy that they can't log onto Moonpig or whatever and order a card. You need to spell out to him how much this has upset you, not downplay it or he'll never get how important this is to you. My DH came from a family where cards/presents were often given late - once I told him it was important to me to have something on my actual birthday he's made sure to give me something on the day.

Happy birthday Cake Flowers

GenericDietCola · 13/07/2018 10:42

But if you tell him you’re disappointed on this occasion he will hopefully remember for subsequent years! I get that you don’t want to tell him, but how else will he know? You’ve admitted to acting as if you were ok about the lack of card this morning, so in his mind you’re fine and he can keep behaving like this knowing that you don’t mind. Bite the bullet, admit you’re upset. You don’t have to ask for anything specific, just make it clear that you’d like him to make it up to you.

happypoobum · 13/07/2018 10:43

Well you married him knowing he was shit at things like this I presume? Or did he manage to be a bit more attentive before you got hitched?

I know it's unpopular on MN to be a big softy about your own birthday but I would go fucking mental if my DH made such minimal effort. I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with him if he displayed those characteristics early on though.

So, either you are getting what you chose - a man who doesn't set much store by birthdays, or, he can't be bothered any more.

If both people in a relationship don't care about birthdays it is fine, but that's not the case here, and you telling him you don't care isn't helping much is it?

Happy Birthday though Cake Flowers Wine

letsdolunch321 · 13/07/2018 10:44

Happy Birthday 🎂 Flowers

It is harsh of dh to not give any thought to your day. Enjoy lunch out with your friends and have a chilled Sunday

It is my birthday today too 🥂 - am seeing family for lunch later.

livingontheedgeee · 13/07/2018 10:48

My friends's husband doesn't "do" Xmas or birthday cards/presents for his wife and she just accepts it. I think it's really disrespectful so I act in a really immature way and don't acknowledge his birthday or buy him a Xmas gift.

A couple of times near his birthday he's asked me what I'm going to get him to which my answer is "nothing, didn't think you did birthdays". He's too thick to make the link.

mummmy2017 · 13/07/2018 10:49

Send him this message.
My birthday is today, you need to step up and get me something for tonight, I don't care if it is from ASDA, please get me cards and gift from both you and your child.
This is not negotiable...

MarthaHanson · 13/07/2018 10:50

I’m really sorry OP, I would be really upset. My birthday was a total washout this year, so I know how it feels.
I echo some posters above and would show him this thread, or at least your opening post to show how much he’s let you down.
I hope you have a lovely time with your friends.

Nanny0gg · 13/07/2018 10:52

I made out this morning that I wasn't bothered as don't want him to feel bad,

Therein lies your problem.

Spell it out.

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