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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Can't help alcoholic brother - what to do?

47 replies

TeradelFuego · 12/07/2018 17:55

He is middle aged, lost his job, alienated his grown kids, been a huge problem to our parents too. He's kind of unbearable to have around most of the time, but I guess he's not a monster. Now homeless AFAIK.

He begged for money 2 days ago, sent him £250. Now he has just asked for more 'or I will get hurt'. We cannot afford to give more so soon. DP says no. And where is the money going?

I can't have him at mine, my kids would hate it and I just don't want to. My parents are a lot better off than me, but as they have tried to help him over the years and he has given them hell, they have decided to cut him off and are unsympathetic.

What the hell do I do?

OP posts:

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 17:56

You tell him you love him but can’t send money and he needs to go and engage with the professionals who can help him.

BlueBug45 · 12/07/2018 17:58

As PP said.

You aren't helping him by giving him any money or putting him up.

Wolfiefan · 12/07/2018 18:00

You didn't cause it.
You can't cure it.
You can't control it.
You need to limit contact for the sake of your sanity and your family's wellbeing. And certainly don't give money.
You can't help an addict who doesn't want to be helped.

mumonashoestring · 12/07/2018 18:00

You could try seeing if his local community policing team can check in on him. We've had problems locally with vulnerable people (mostly addicts and those with learning difficulties) having their lives and homes taken over by drug dealers and gangs. It's known as cuckooing.

Don't send any more money, don't put your own family at risk - signpost support services and let him go to them for help if he needs it.

Original poster

TeradelFuego · 12/07/2018 18:00

I find out about the local NHS services available for addiction problems. Phoned them last week, apparently there is a lot of help available. Gave brother the info. He needs to get in touch with them initially. I suspect he hasn't done.

OP posts:

Caselgarcia · 12/07/2018 18:00

Don't send anymore, it would only be wasted. I wouldn't give him any more money. Lifts to doctor or AA would be my limit.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/07/2018 18:01

By giving him money you are enabling him to drink alcohol.

Don't give him money. Give him telephone numbers and addresses where he can get help.

He isn't your responsibility.

Elliebobbins · 12/07/2018 18:02

The sad thing is that you can't fix this for him. Only he can. I also agree that you shouldn't have him at yours. It isn't fair on you and frankly being around an alcoholic would be damaging for your kids. Find a list of charities that can offer your brother help, share it with him and keep a copy to hand for the future. If you want to give money in the future then I would buy what he needs directly. A counsellor once told my DM that if you stay with an alcoholic you have to accept that you can't change them and make sure that you find space/time for yourself. It is incredibly hard watching someone destroy themselves and so that is my advice to you. If you need to talk it through, find a counsellor. The worry and the stress will be hard so be there when he is ready to change but focus on self care, as an alcoholic doesn't only hurt themselves 💐

HoleyCoMoley · 12/07/2018 18:05

If he is at risk of harm or being threatened I would call 101 for advice and also adult social services. Is there a homeless shelter or outreach centre he can go to. Don't send him money.

Original poster

TeradelFuego · 12/07/2018 18:15

I understand absolutely what you are saying about giving him money is probably enabling him to drink (and drugs, I suspect). But I, probably naively, assumed the last money was for accommodation.

If he is on the streets, that is just going to make it all much worse isn't it?

OP posts:

duckfuckduck · 12/07/2018 18:16

You can’t sort this for him. No matter how much money you had he would take it all and keep drinking. Until he wants to stop.

mumonashoestring · 12/07/2018 18:19

The thing is, if he's in the grip of addiction he won't be making rational choices. Money will go on drink and not rent or bills because what matters is having the next drink, not keeping a roof over his head.

Original poster

TeradelFuego · 12/07/2018 18:23

Oh god, now he is begging to come and stay with me. I can't bear this.

OP posts:

arranfan · 12/07/2018 18:23

Having relatives with addictions bleeds your emotional and financial resources for very little positive outcome. People will work on their addictions when they're ready and for some, that day never comes.

If your DB has financial problems then there are several debt charities that help people to sort their finances.

Christians Against Poverty offer non-denominational, open access, free services from debt to joblessness to fresh starts for people with addictions etc.: capuk.org/i-want-help/our-services/fresh-start/find-your-local-fresh-start-group

I've heard some good reports about the debt charity, Step Change

In my family, we've stopped giving money directly to some relatives but steer them to a relevant organisation and work with them to resolve/improve matters.

HoleyCoMoley · 12/07/2018 18:27

It's so sad, such a terrible illness. You need to stay strong and say no, he can't stay with you. I'd help him to access professional help, see a doctor and maybe find a hostel bed for a few nights, where abouts in the country are you.

TravelAndAdventure · 12/07/2018 18:27

Sorry you're going through this. I've been through it with my dad and am finally now no contact. It's hard but you cannot fix this for your brother and you will make yourself and your family unwell if you try.

Put your children first and don't even let him stay one night.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/07/2018 18:29

You must stop enabling him right this very minute. No money. No staying over. Nothing. The only one who can help him is himself, and he will have no motivation to do so as long as people are supporting his destructive behaviour.

PotteringAlong · 12/07/2018 18:32

you cannot have him at yours, especially if you suspect there’s drugs at play too. You have to say no

HectorlovesKiki · 12/07/2018 18:33

Only when an alcoholic admits that they have a problem and wants to resolve it, can their recovery begin.
Sometimes an alcoholic has to literally reach rock bottom before they decide to reach out for help.
They will destroy everything good in their lives and leave family and friends devastated in their wake.
Giving money is not the answer I'm afraid, you are simply enabling him to continue with his behaviour.

pointythings · 12/07/2018 18:33

Don't give him money. Don't take him in. He has to take responsibility for the state he is in, make the choice to stop and then seek help. Only he can do this. Addicts need detached love - you can love him, you can support him, but you cannot enable him.

I say this as someone with an alcoholic STBXH whom I had removed from the family home by police. He is still not in recovery - it is a long, hard road.

Aneurin · 12/07/2018 18:33

OP, I've been there. Had my alcoholic brother staying for 10 days, he got drunk everyday, left doors wide open in the middle of the night, when we took the keys to prevent this he kicked his way out and my dog ran away. He was signposted to loads of help, hostel accommodation etc. He ended up being sectioned and I had to be brutal with SS who thought they could just discharge him back to me. I don't know where he is now and the guilt is killing me.

No advice I'm afraid, just a hand hold. Take care of yourself, I had a breakdown as a result. I scour local news websites expecting every body going to be his.

Caselgarcia · 12/07/2018 18:36

Do you think you are the only one he's asked for money from? I should imagine he's asking all his friends and family not just you. Hopefully everyone has declined, he needs to realise how his alcoholism is affecting others too. Maybe once he has reached rock bottom he will seek help.
By allowing him to stay with you I doubt he will seek help. It's not fair on your family. Say no.

hettie · 12/07/2018 18:39

Hostels and emergency night shelters are free, as are all services for mental health and addiction.

LoniceraJaponica · 12/07/2018 18:40

"You must stop enabling him right this very minute. No money. No staying over. Nothing. The only one who can help him is himself, and he will have no motivation to do so as long as people are supporting his destructive behaviour."

This ^^
Take him to a hostel or the Salvation Army, contact social services. Do not under any circumstances take him in.

Greggers2017 · 12/07/2018 18:44

Hi sorry you are going through this, it's so hard isn't it.
I'm a substance misuse practitioner for my job. The best thing you can do is signpost him towards the homeless hostels, also research where they do free meals, directing him towards these will help him more than giving him large amounts of money.
See if your local substance misuse service has an affected others team. We have one in our service, they offer emotional support and advice to loved ones and friends who are affected by somebody's substance misuse.
He maybe able to access the local hospital for an inpatient detox. If he accesses services and engages they may be able to get funding for rehab.
He will probably need to hit rock bottom before he does the above, that may not be far away or it could be a long time coming. He has an illness which makes him very selfish and he will put his needs of getting a drink before anything else.
He also needs to be wary of going into alcohol withdrawal, this can be sweats, shakes, stomach cramps and dry heaving. There is also the risk of having alcohol related seizures.

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