Can't help alcoholic brother - what to do?

[TeradelFuego]

He is middle aged, lost his job, alienated his grown kids, been a huge problem to our parents too. He's kind of unbearable to have around most of the time, but I guess he's not a monster. Now homeless AFAIK.

He begged for money 2 days ago, sent him £250. Now he has just asked for more 'or I will get hurt'. We cannot afford to give more so soon. DP says no. And where is the money going?

I can't have him at mine, my kids would hate it and I just don't want to. My parents are a lot better off than me, but as they have tried to help him over the years and he has given them hell, they have decided to cut him off and are unsympathetic.

What the hell do I do?

Oh Aneurin, how awful. So sorry . I don't think you should feel guilty though, you have tried to help above and beyond. More than me definitely.

Still trying to think what to do. 101 or Adult Social Services, like Holey suggested sounds like a plan, but he could be in one of two nearby cities, he is not telling me where he is, so it makes that difficult (I don't know which local service to search for).

Thanks to everyone for your advice. Much appreciated.

What a shame he won't tell you where he is, that would help you help him. There's so much support available but like others said he has to want it, outreach teams in large cities do find people sleeping rough and try to find them somewhere to stay.

If you're in touch by phone or text, lay it out to him straight - say you will not give him money, but you will signpost him to support.

My brother has been an addict of gambling, drugs, alcohol for more than 30 years. My parents have given him thousands, brought his kids up from the ages of two. We have all given him work, money, care, love, guidance and refuge. His addictions are so deeply entrenched. It’s a constant nightmare. All I can recommend is to be as tough as you can. They have to want to be helped.

I know from experience you will not be helping him by giving him more money or letting him stay with him.
Put your own little family first op.

You have walk away if he won't help himself. He can't stay with you and your children, it's not safe. Giving him money is enabling him. An addict isn't going to get help until he wants too.

Harden your heart, it’s hard but he’s an adult and supporting him won’t help him look how far it got your parents.
He needs to hit rock bottom before he can come back up and he has to do that alone.
There’s nothing you can do until he’s ready to help himself.

The Salvation Army took my brother in and he lived in one of their "life houses" for quite some time while undergoing a medical de-tox and learning to live a sober life. he was in his 50s and had lost everything.
Now he is living and working in China and having a quality of life we coul d never have imagined. We thought he would die.
It can be done but he needs to accept that he needs help. That was the turning point for us

I ended up giving him the money, sorry everyone . Apparently he had borrowed money from someone dodgy who was going to beat him up tomorrow if he didn't repay. Told him it was absolutely the last time though. I refused him coming to stay here.

Found out which city he's in, but he says not to call police or he'll be in trouble with the people he's staying with. So they sound lovely. I reiterated he needs to contact NHS addiction services, and gave him the number. Apparently he can't do that on his own and needs handholding. On the one hand that's pathetic, on the other hand perhaps he's got himself in such a state he is actually incapable. Perhaps I could actually go to the doctor's or something with him. Not having him here though, and not giving him more money.

That's interesting demented , do you know if the Salvation Army have those houses all over the country? I don't suppose you have the number do you? I could enquire for him. I am glad they helped your brother.

Do you know if they emphasise the religious side of things or not?

Apparently he had borrowed money from someone dodgy who was going to beat him up tomorrow if he didn't repay

Learn this: Alcoholics lie. They lie without conscience because their addiction is more important than anything. Chances are you have given your brother money in exchange for a pack of lies. Please do not fall for it again.

And he doesn't need hand holding to access help. That's a brush-off. He doesn't want help, he wants money from you so he can keep on drinking.

I think they do have them everywhere. This one was in Skinnergate in Perth. They saved his life, there is no other way to put it. I don't think they were heavy on religion but he had to get out of bed and "work" with the community team doing things like weeding and watering the planters in the town etc. Only what he could manage but had had to do something. They can't lie in bed all day. He move from that to taking his turn at cooking and doing chores etc. When he was better and could be trusted (and felt ready) he moved first into his own rooms in a supported building, and then into his own flat with help on hand should he need it. it was a very staged rehab with counselling and help all the way. however, prior to hitting rock bottom, he wouldnt have accepted the help and would have resisted.

oh also, i went with my brother to the doctor and to a community support organisation. hand holding is ok and good. Enabling drinking is what you need to avoid. But it's easier said than done. I once bought my brother wine in return for him having a shower and eating some food...

www.salvationarmy.org.uk/accommodation-lifehouses

Aw OP, I really feel for you but I agree with all PPs even while I relate to your DB because I too was addicted to alcohol 10 years ago. It's horrible, obviously for everyone around you but horrible for the addict too. PPs are correct that you lie brazenly to get what you want/need. I was one of the minority of alcoholics who had withdrawal seizures and hallucinations; no idea why as I have AA friends who were on two litres of gin a day (yes, really) who managed to just stop.

Unfortunately until your DB has hit rock bottom, he's not going to have the incentive to change. I understand why you've given him money but it's feeding his addiction for a short period of time as he gets his next fix.

I can only say that AA works, but only if you work it. If you're going for the wrong reasons (e.g. for someone else) then it won't work. It.'l'll wash over you. We say to look for the similarities, not the differences and I don't mind admitting that for my first meetings, I did the opposite and left. It was only when I realised that there was pretty much no other option left to me and that I was wasting my life that I went back and started working the programme. And you do not have to believe in God, either.

Good luck to you and your DB.

I may be wrong about your brother but my experience to date is in line with pointythings.

It's always an emergency involving nebulous people threatening harm. It's always, "Just do this one thing more for me, then I'll..." but the action after "then" rarely happens.

Salvation Army hostels will take anyone tho' some might want him to be abstinent. Others will take people who are currently addicted.

Housing First Programme in some areas

NHS Addiction directories

I wish peace of heart and mind to you and your DB.

Yeah they all say they borrowed money and are for getting beat up.

Sorry.

Thanks so much for the information demented and arranfan, and thanks Lobster.

Is that what happens duck? Guess I have been an idiot then, won't fall for that one again.

@TeradelFuego you most certainly have not been an idiot! Addicts are manipulative and cunning liars who will say anything to get what they want. They actually end up believing what they say - and are genuinely offended when confronted.

Just be aware that any money you give to DB will most likely feed his addiction.

It's so hard isn't it. My brother has a problem with addictions, gambling & heroin. I dread to think how much money my mum has given him over the years.
He will lie to you, he will manipulate you to get money. As hard as it is you need to say no! Tell him you'll always be there for him but you cannot & will not give him any more money.
I've never got on with my brother but even I find it hard to say no (I do though) He's an excellent manipulator, I've seen the way he plays the 'poor me' card with my mum.
It's a horrible situation for everyone involved.

I'm sorry to read about your brother, I have my own history of living with an addict, and can only offer this advice.

No one wakes up one morning and decides to become an addict, addiction takes over the person you love and changes them into a manipulative, lying, cunning, and often violent individual. Please do not ever send any more money, you may as well go and buy them the booze, or the drug and hand it over. You cannot help an addict, love does not conquer all, their first love and main focus is life is feeding their addiction.

Before I met my ex I was happy, positive, and confident, however him and his addiction ground me down into a spiral of despair, depression and high anxiety and worry.

He's gone now and yes I do think about him and still worry how he is doing, but I couldn't help him and it took me a long time to realise that. The fact is he loved his addiction more than me, that's the cold hard truth.

Good luck OP please say strong, and don't get sucked into the lies he will tell you.