Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

my DH keeps looking up his ex on social media

32 replies

HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 06:37

Hi, I'm probably being unreasonable here, but things haven't seemed quite right between my DH and I recently. He's been quite secretive with his phone. I've never done this before, and feel really bad about it, but I searched his internet history and found he's been looking up his ex girlfriend all the time on FB. AIBU to be slightly hurt or is this normal behaviour?

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 12/07/2018 06:41

How often?

A one off I could understand out of curiosity.

Original poster
HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 06:43

Quite a bit. He doesn't have a FB account and uses a relative's. It's just thrown me a bit, and I'm not sure if I'm being paranoid or if this is normal. I'm guessing she must be on his mind..?

OP posts:
Original poster
HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 07:11

Bump

OP posts:
Whatstobedone · 12/07/2018 07:13

I suppose the right answer is he can if he wants, what harm etc and lots will say that.

But no I would think it quite weird and stalkerish!

Mousefunky · 12/07/2018 07:19

I think many of us are guilty of this from time to time. I’ve done it a couple of times myself purely to see if anything has drastically changed for them, always end up disappointed because naff all has and I don’t bother again Grin. To be doing it daily as it sounds he is is very, very weird though. I would confront him about it.

diedyediedye · 12/07/2018 07:19

I sometimes look up people from my past if I fancy a noisy but if he is doing it often then yeah his ex is definitely on his mind and probably is the grass greener elsewhere I'm sorry to say.

Cadencia · 12/07/2018 07:23

I've looked up my exes on FB before and it doesn't mean a thing. However I agree it's a bit weird if he keeps doing it. Is everything else ok between you?

NotTakenUsername · 12/07/2018 07:23

Another vote for sporadically being quite common but regularly being a bit odd.

Fairylea · 12/07/2018 07:24

It would really upset me but that’s because my now ex dh left me for an ex girlfriend he’d got back into contact with through Facebook. We had been together 8 years and he upped and left never to be seen again 2 weeks after he started talking to her.

Churrolicious · 12/07/2018 07:25

I think only you can know depending on what else is going on in your relationship / his life. Have you been together long? How long ago was this ex? Was their breakup his idea or hers? Do you think it's something specific about her, or is there anything going on with him that means he might be thinking a lot about the past?

My DH and I both have exes on social media and every so often we both have a peek to see what they're up to, but we tend to talk openly about it and none of it is hidden. The fact he's hiding it (and using a relative's Facebook) is a concern.

Original poster
HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 07:36

Thanks guys. We've been together almost 4 years. She was the girlfriend before me. Honestly, it's rocked me to my core - I know that sounds pathetic. He's Mr nice. But then they all are I guess. He's also been looking up other women. I'm not sure how I can confront him if I've been snooping, because obviously I shouldn't have been. Any advice on how to approach this please?

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 12/07/2018 10:46

I’m not sure how it works - how is it obvious that he has been looking them up regularly?

If it isn’t clear that it was anything more than curiosity I’m not sure if mention it. Not sure if mention it anyway. As an isolated thing it’s really not that big a deal.

Either you trust him or you don’t. And if you don’t, no explanation will be good enough.

Original poster
HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 11:04

I'll keep an eye on things. I have trust issues anyway stemming from childhood so I'm aware that my opinion may be skewed. Still feels weird though.

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 12/07/2018 11:29

It’s hard isn’t it. You don’t want to be taken for a mug but you don’t want to push away something good.
Why did you snoop? Your partner would be right to have some strong trust issues with your behaviour. Nobody is perfect.

whatwouldkeithRichardsdo2 · 12/07/2018 12:15

I don't think it matters that you were 'snooping'. Hmm. You had a hunch and you looked. Be brazen - you've invested 4 years in this guy!

Either he should want to set your mind at rest or he's not the man for you.

Opening up a conversation can be the starting point for addressing why the relationship doesn't feel right recently.

namechange02837492 · 12/07/2018 12:18

This may sound terrible (and a bit crazy) but I do this occasionally because he treated me horribly and I want to make sure I ended up happier than him.

Original poster
HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 15:48

Thanks guys. I snooped really because everything else in my life is not going particularly well and I wanted to make sure we were ok. My father had affairs growing up and I was always finding evidence so to speak. I wanted to make sure we were ok and was sure I'd find out he was one of the good guys. I was just a bit shocked. I think it's probably normal to look up an ex purely out of curiosity, but repeatedly... I'm not so sure. It just feels a bit odd. I think if I admit I was snooping then he would be resentful and the trust would vanish (and who could blame him).

OP posts:
NotTakenUsername · 12/07/2018 15:51

It’s ok to leave a relationship just because it stops feeling right.
If the trust is gone for you with him then maybe this one has run it’s course?

Nikephorus · 12/07/2018 16:17

Is there something going on in ex's life that's visible on FB and particularly interesting? It could be that he's had a random look as many people do and she's posted something particularly worthy of being nosy (I'm thinking juicy gossip / soap opera-worthy moments) which he keeps going back to update himself on - it can be quite addictive and doesn't mean he's even remotely interested in her for herself.

Nikephorus · 12/07/2018 16:19

Remember that if you're looking for evidence you can fabricate it out of nothing just because you've convinced yourself it must be there. You can come up with negative connotations of the most innocent of scenarios if you really want to do so. Just because your dad had affairs doesn't mean that all men will.

Original poster
HarryBlackberry · 12/07/2018 16:32

Thank you Nikephorus. You have a valid point. I certainly do have trust issues and perhaps I am reading too much into it. I can't really see if anything exciting is going on in her life. It just seemed a bit out of character for him. Maybe it's innocent. Maybe I should forget about it for a few weeks then have another look. If he's still doing it then maybe the relationship isn't for me. Then again, I can't spend my life not trusting men! Plus I don't want to be forever snooping as I recognise that it's pretty disrespectful.

OP posts:
SilverHairedCat · 12/07/2018 16:46

How many times over what period are we talking?

Quite a bit, keeps looking up and all the time are subjective terms. What are the numbers?

MissionItsPossible · 12/07/2018 16:50

I just did this ten minutes ago Blush

TiltedTowers · 12/07/2018 17:01

For the time being id pull back a bit as though you were datimg. Go out more. Leave him wondering where you are.

Nikephorus · 12/07/2018 17:10

For the time being id pull back a bit as though you were datimg. Go out more. Leave him wondering where you are.
And then he'll get suspicious and start checking her FB!
I sometimes check an ex's FB page and trust me, I wouldn't get back with them in a million years! It's sheer nosiness mixed with boredom / idleness.