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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a little bit hurt and wonder why..

29 replies

DiscombobulatedWomble · 11/07/2018 21:18

So I had DD back in December.. most of my friends came to visit within the first month, even one who now lives up North.

There is still one of my group of friends who hasn't met DD and I have no idea why!

We've all been friends since school, and whilst this particular friend and I would never really meet up one on one we still used to see each other in the group every few months.

She's declined the 3 group meet ups we've had so far this year, and ignored me when I tentatively said to let me know when she's free for a catch up.

She has in fact driven past my house several times to visit places then posted about it on Facebook.

The last time this happened I commented saying maybe next time she's in the area she could give me a call and we could catch up... No response.

She's met up with others in the group several times this year, and she seemed completely fine throughout the pregnancy so AIBU to be a little bit hurt and wonder what on earth is going on here?

OP posts:
VelociraptorRex · 11/07/2018 21:20

Does she have children? It may be if she doesn't that she really wants to or can't, and it hurts to be around someone who has a new little one?

SchrodingersCaterpillar · 11/07/2018 21:22

Maybe she is struggling to conceive herself? Seeing newborns in that scenario can be very painful.

kaytee87 · 11/07/2018 21:24

Possibly struggling to conceive, recent miscarriage, doesn't like babies or thinks you've become baby obsessed (hard not to with a little one)

SaturdaySauv · 11/07/2018 21:25

I doubt this is about you. She’ll come round if she’s able to.

fourpawswhite · 11/07/2018 21:25

She is struggling with something OP. Newborns can be very very emotive. I would be patient and keep contact open, she will talk when she is ready.

kaytee87 · 11/07/2018 21:27

Could you offer to meet her without your dd? Some of my closest friends have only met my ds (2) once or twice as I realise not everyone is enthralled with children and it's nice to have adult time.

Original poster
DiscombobulatedWomble · 11/07/2018 21:31

Thanks for the replies.

She's not in a relationship so not TTC as far as I know.

I had asked the other girls if maybe it was hard because she wants children but isn't in a position to have them yet, but they don't seem to think that's the case. None of them really want to get involved by asking her why she's not been round which I understand.

I just find it strange that she's completely blanking me. If she is struggling I understand not wanting to see a baby because I was in the same position myself last year after an ectopic.. but when friends with children wanted to meet up I was honest and said it was too hard.

I guess people deal with things in different ways but yeah. It hurts a bit.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 11/07/2018 21:33

Honestly op, I wouldn't take it personally. I know your DD is the centre of your universe but lots of people genuinely don't like children.

Original poster
DiscombobulatedWomble · 11/07/2018 21:35

I would be quite open to meeting her without DD but she doesn't respond to messages.

Earlier in her career she was working with children and loved it so I don't think it's that she doesn't like kids.

I think next time we have a group meet up I will make it clear I'm going to go without DD and see if that changes anything.

OP posts:
kaytee87 · 11/07/2018 21:37

Good idea op. When you have a child a lot of friendships change (for better or worse) or end you can't waste energy agonising over it. Try once more then just put it out of your mind.

butlerswharf · 11/07/2018 21:40

Just because she's not in a relationship doesn't mean she doesn't have fertility issues or isn't desperate for a child. I've noticed a couple of friends have been the same since I had my baby and I assume they have their reasons for finding it hard to meet up and meet the baby so I respect that.

So don't be hurt. She may well be hurting way more than you for reasons you don't know. Just enjoy your baby.

Branleuse · 11/07/2018 21:51

sounds like shes got an issue with you. Ignore her as much as possible

WittyJack · 11/07/2018 21:53

Could you have done something to offend her, but she doesn’t want to have it out with you knowing that you’re dealing with a baby?

Fairenuff · 11/07/2018 21:57

I think she's probably just not into you. Sometimes acquaintances are just that. You said yourself that you were never close. I think she probably wants to just let this one fade away.

HappilyHarridan · 11/07/2018 21:58

If you don't normally meet up one on one why would you expect that to have changed? If I'm friends with someone as part of a group, but don't have a particularly close relationship with them then I may not make time to visit and meet their newborn, whereas if it was a close friend I definitely would.

troodiedoo · 11/07/2018 22:00

I see lots of people in a group setting but wouldn't dream of seeing them one to one. Not that I dislike them, that's just the dynamic. Don't mess with it.

neveradullmoment99 · 11/07/2018 22:11

Maybe she doesn't really feel she gets on with you? Or have anything in common with you. I would let it lie.

JohnnyLisaMark · 11/07/2018 22:13

I'm with HappilyHarridan. If you haven't hung out alone together before, why would you want to do so now? What's changed? Do you want to show off your baby?

LuluJakey1 · 11/07/2018 22:15

I was never interested in anyone else's babies. I did send/drop off a card and present but I never hung around to hear all about it. I found it all very boring. I dreaded friends suggesting we went out if they intended to bring a child. I wasn't interested, amused by children, I hated the way everything had to be adjusted to them. I didn't want to play with them or talk to them. I found them quite alien- having grown up as an only child and the youngest by quite a chunk in the extended family. I just didn't get them.
I agreed to have a baby when I was 34, knowing how much DH wanted children. Of course, it all changed then and DS, and now DD, are the most important things in my life and I love them to bits. But I have never forgotten how I used to feel. No one ever believed me when I said I wasn't interested but I wasn't at all.

jainaproudm · 11/07/2018 22:25

I like babies and children, in general, but if I'm being entirely honest spending time with people who have newborns is really boring. They talk about nothing except their babies (which is fine! You just grew a human, it's normal that your world view is narrowed to that one small human!) and I've found even being around a few of my best friends who've recently had babies really dull.

They don't care about what I've been up to because their only interest is the baby at the moment. Which, again, is understandable, and I have been here (via text - we live a long way apart) for the sleepless nights etc and send cards and gifts and pamper boxes to them.

But I'm glad I don't live closer as the expectation that I would go and sit while they tell me about their child's sleeping pattern all the time would bore me silly and I can't remember the last time any of them took an active interest in what I've been doing - it irrevocably changes your friendship. And I while I love them and understand entirely that their focus and interests are elsewhere now (and am so happy for them, because they're so happy), the parameters of our relationships have shifted now and that's just how it works.

Dagnabit · 11/07/2018 22:26

I would message her and ask if you've done anything to upset her as as you haven't seen her for over 6 months - make it lighthearted rather than accusing...you miss her, need a catch up, etc

OrigamiZoo · 11/07/2018 22:26

I'm with @LuluJakey1 on this one!
Worst, was the babies in the office, hated it.

Now I'm like a baby magnet.

I had friends like this, still do. They never came round, figuratively and literally and life moved on.

greenlynx · 11/07/2018 22:28

My daughter is a centre of universe for me but I'm not interested in other people's children as such, especially babies. I would visit a close friend with a baby but it would be a visit to see a friend. I won't be interested at holding baby or playing with . I could do it very nicely, believe me, but I would rather avoid it. Maybe she is like this.

Original poster
DiscombobulatedWomble · 12/07/2018 01:27

Of course I understand some people just aren't interested in babies.. why should they be.

Throughout the pregnancy she was much like the other girls, all about how she was going to be an auntie soon etc and couldn't wait to meet the baby.

I'm just a bit surprised by the complete 180 now she's here. If she was making excuses I would agree and think well she's just not bothered/doesn't want to meet the baby. Fine. Odd considering all the Auntie talk beforehand but each to their own.

The complete lack of contact makes me more inclined to agree with pp asking if I've done something to offend her. Only, I have no idea what that might be.

It's not so much that I'm expecting/want to hang out one on one now. More me making the assumption at the time, that she was too busy to make the group meet ups, so if she did want to come and meet baby, not to feel awkward about coming another time.

Clearly my assumption was wrong and she has her reasons, which I will probably never know, and I should just forget about it. Just seems a bit odd that after 15 odd years things are changing all of a sudden and I'm not sure how the group will work in future.

Whatever will be will be I suppose.

OP posts:
Slowtrain2dawn · 12/07/2018 07:36

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