To ask you to help me get over something horrific I heard on the radio, I can’t stop thinking about it

[TeaCoffeeCakeGinWine]

One evening last week, I was listening to a programme on Radio 4. It featured a forensic pathologist who was talking about death. I joined it halfway through and it all seemed fairly innocuous and interesting enough listening while I was pottering in the kitchen.

Without warning, the woman started talking about some work she did out in Eastern Europe around 30 years ago, following a massacre involving women and children. She went into quite some detail about what happened and the work she had to do.

It was absolutely horrifying and I have found it incredibly upsetting in the week since. At the time I didn’t cry but the following evening I had a totally uncontrollable crying episode in front of my husband Ever since, it keeps coming into my head, very visibly. I can be fine and then suddenly there it is and I feel floored and devastated. I know it sounds like I’m being dramatic but it has affected me really badly, I can’t stop thinking about it and feel upset all the time. Please can anyone recommend any way I can work through this

Time
I was like that after Grenfell
I don’t know what else to say other than let the emotions out and you won’t feel this bad forever

Have a look at how people experience grief. Yes you have no relationship to these people who died, but you can grieve for them

You sound like a sensitive soul (am one). I think just let it be and accept it at the mo. Soon, you'll feel a bit teary but not actually cry, it's just fresh in your memory at the moment.

Maybe try to distract yourself with something else when you find yourself thinking about it.

I completely understand how you feel OP - I often end up haunted by distressing things I have heard about or seen. It is a terrible way to feel.

Time will help - the visceral reaction you are having now will lessen.

I find it helps me to tackle the thought head on. Acknowledge that it is distressing, that it upset you and is affecting you. Remind yourself that it is just a thought. Say it out loud even - 'this is just a thought, it can't hurt me'.

I hope you feel better soon

I empathise because I've had these symptoms. Once was after reading about a child murder on here. Really fucked me up for a a good few months.

Op it will pass but things like this are very shocking and distressing. Yout reactions are probably normal

I felt similar after learning about the Rape of Nanking quite recently. I had to keep reminding myself that most people are good most of the time, and that war brings out the latent evil in some people (men, let’s be honest here).
Can I ask if you have kids? My emotional tolerance for this kind of thing plummeted after having DS.

I had panic attacks very regularly, stopped being able to go into crowded places, supermarkets, to the football (I was a season ticket holder). It took time and counselling. I still have a diagnosis of panic disorder, but my attacks are rare. Perhaps booking some talking therapy through your GP might help

I can't offer any advice, but I get this. I fell into Wikipedia rabbit hole once, going from one article to another and ended up on one about a child murderer. I knew perfectly well I shouldn't have read it, but I did. It affected me for months (still does a bit tbh).

I'm have just started cbt for anxiety issues and being unable to get over/let go of things. I seem to feel other people's injustice quite acutely (I realise that sounds massively wanky). I'm hoping cbt will help. Might be worth thinking about?

I understand this feeling. When I am feeling down, tired or other things going on/ young children I find it difficult to listen to or watch the news or sensitive (child related) media. Don't be too harsh on yourself, I was once told that your reaction is actually about something else that you've bottled up. Maybe a death/miscarriage or a fear of your own. It will fade honestly. One way is to listen to the programme again in full, in daylight and several times if need be. If you often do this then it can indicate a sort of depression where you feel things more deeply than usual but for me it was being tired with a new baby. Even with 7 and 8 year olds now I cannot really cope with drama about children in any kind of trouble! Finally just to say that I've always been s bit like this as I was terrified of a nuclear war in the 1980s as I read a paperback story when I was 10 and I just couldn't get over it!

Agree that time is a good healer. You'll gradually come to notice that you haven't thought about it for a day or so, then it becomes less raw, and you become less sensitive to it. You sound like such a lovely, kind and sensitive person OP. The world is a horrible place sometimes.

Can you think about what she said rationally? Do you know what it is about it that's affecting you?

Think of it this way: she was doing her job, respectfully no doubt, and with compassion for the victims. From what you're describing, she was there for identification of the people and to give the cause of their deaths. This brings justice for families and against perpetrators. That's a good thing out of the horror of the situation she was working within.

Would you get any sense of closure from reading more about the cases in the news for example? Or would that make you feel worse?

The reality in this sort of thing is that you are showing essentially too much sympathy for something you didn't experience. You need to find a way to detach in whatever method works for you. That's how people in the emergency services survive, as do people like that forensic pathologist. There is no single way to do it, but it will help if you can work out which part of it is affecting you - her work, the deaths, the political situation etc.

There was an elderly caller into the Jeremy Vine show a few years ago, the subject was Japan’s treatment of POW.

The lady talked about a lad from her village, all the girls loved him and he was a fabulous sportsman and adored son. But a bit lippy.

The Japanese, choked out this lady, cut out his tongue.

I sat in my kitchen and cried and cried for this beautiful, destroyed boy and his poor mother. It still haunts me now.

Sometimes OP, being a human just hurts.

My brother is a forensic pathologist and before I had ds he would tell me all the stuff he has done over the years, but now he doesn’t, and I don’t ask him, expect in general terms. Try to think about postive things and the good that people do,not the bad, that’s what he does.

I can fully empathise with you OP!

I listened to a podcast about a young woman who ended up dead once. It was a bit of an unsolved, strange case and I googled it to see if the podcast had the facts and ended up watching the video of where the girl gets into the lift (this is the last time she is seen alive in the hotel) I won’t go into the actual case but honestly it has still stayed with me a year later.

Thank you for your replies, it is reassuring to know that it’s not just me. I was worried that I am being over dramatic about it and keep trying to have a word with myself and sort of say ‘get your act together’. But it seems to have got to me on another level, one that I’m struggling with. I often find myself getting upset about things in the news and having a cry, this seems to be one of the worst.

haverhill yes I do have children, both under 5. I think a big part of the problem is that when this image suddenly appears in my head, often it is my daughter in the situation these children were. Even though I know she is safe, it’s just feels devastating to think about those kids and their parents.

Thank you for your ideas, I am hoping time will help this. I feel ridiculous really.

Bobbybear10 I know the case you're talking about, very sad. Really affected me too.

silverhairedcat I think you have it the nail on the head there. And this is why it’s so perplexing, it was so long ago, it had no effect on me, I feel like I don’t have a right to be so disproportionately upset. It’s very strange

parisnext I wonder if you have a point there. Since having my children, I have found myself thinking about death quite a lot more often than I ever did. I worry quite a lot about the children getting ill or my husband dying. I wonder whether this programme tapped into that, in addition to the actual horror of what I was listening to.

I get like this after reading about terrible murders. Can't read about serial killers, I'm up all night afterwards.

I have two very clear memories of experiences like yours.

The first was the death of a 16 month old because of extreme neglect. Because of that, I left my job and went back to college to gain the qualifications I needed to do a degree to become a social worker. In the interim, I started fostering, fell head over heels for one of my charges and ended up adopting two kids. I never became a SW though.

The second was a prolonged (over 48 hours) sexual assault on a vulnerable man. This one made me wail whenever I thought about it. My DD has learning difficulties . I phoned the police force involved and asked whether it would be appropriate to send him flowers and a card. They said yes, so I did and they later phoned back and said it had meant a lot to him.

I have found that planning some kind of antidote to the poison helps me to believe that the world is more good than bad. The first instance was almost 30 years ago, but I still feel desperately sad for that little boy.

Could you channel your grief to help other women and children who have suffered, in memory of those you grieve for?

dontticklethetoad

It really was terribly sad and I think it made it worse because she was alone. If someone had been with her she could have got help before it got that far (depending on what actually happened of course this is me presuming it was some sort of psychosis)

Such a waste of a life.

Agree with PP - meditation and/or mindfulness can teach you to step outside of your emotions, even just for a little while, so you can work stuff out. There's an app called 10% Happier, meditation for fidgety skeptics, if you don't like all the spiritual stuff. Well worth a try.