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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Family secrets and child self-harming

29 replies

livingontheedgeee · 11/07/2018 14:18

This is a very sensitive situation and I don't want to give too many details for obvious reasons.

A friend of my DC has been referred to CAHMS for self-harming. The child believes they are to blame for their parents splitting up.

The truth is that the DF is gay, he's has been having extramarital gay relationships for years and it's something which has been kept from all the DC in the family and the primary reason for their divorce.

The DM doesn't believe it's her responsibility to tell the DC the truth. The DF is a coward so he hasn't said anything either. Lots of the family's friends know but don't want to spill the beans as it's really not their business.

The child is failing at school, has severe anxiety, has fallen into a group of friends who see self-harming as a way of managing life.

My DC says it's none of her business so refuses to say anything even if it's just to the degree of dropping some hints but I think it's really bad that this child is going through all this when possibly if they were told the truth, lots of things could be put into perspective and they could start living their life again. I don't imagine the child's counsellor knows anything about it either so can't even give the correct advice and help them overcome their depression.

I actually think it's disgraceful of both parents to allow this DC to go on believing they are partly to blame for this split. I'm not sure what it's going to take but am pretty certain when the truth comes out, the fact it's been hidden will have ramifications for their family for years to come

OP posts:

Wellthisunexpected · 11/07/2018 14:22

I agree with you. They don't need to know about the affairs, but a simple "daddy can't be with mummy as he wants to be in romantic relationships with other men" is honest and appropriate.

Sickness me when a parents hurt trump's their child's needs for security and reassurance.

cjferg · 11/07/2018 14:22

It is 100% the parents' responsibility. It's a horrible situation but I don't see that there is anything you can do unless you know the parents well enough to speak to them about it.

wowsertrousers · 11/07/2018 14:25

Poor kid How old is he or she? Are you friends with either of the parents? Close enough to be able to say to one or both of them what you've said in your post? Sounds like a horrible situation. I know it's no one else's business etc etc but i would find it difficult not to say something in the circumstances you describe.

waffleswithnutella · 11/07/2018 17:27

That's so sad for the kid. Can you contact the school privately and let them know? They may know how to handle it better..

malmi · 11/07/2018 17:36

If the child believes they contributed to their parents' break up despite presumably being repeatedly reassured that they did not, then being told their dad is gay could trigger them to worry that their presence has somehow caused that. So you can't know what the result of revealing this information to them would be.

I don't think they should find out from someone else, however well meaning. It's the parents' job.

Original poster

livingontheedgeee · 12/07/2018 11:01

The DC are practically adults, not little kids who have to be treated with kid gloves.

I don't know the parents well enough to say anything to them, no. I did think about contacting CAMHS privately so at least the counsellor knew the correct situation.

Some people might say it's none of my business and to stay out of it but with such high rates of depression and two recent suicides at the school the DC attends, I would never forgive myself if something tragic happened and I said nothing.

OP posts:

TwitterQueen1 · 12/07/2018 11:12

That's a really tough one OP. I too would want to say something - can you try CAMHS so that at least you feel you've made an effort. I agree that the child (I'm assuming mid-teens?) needs to know and I can't help feeling it would make things a lot better for them too. Sorry, not very helpful....

NewYearNewMe18 · 12/07/2018 11:17

How do you know the father is a closet gay if you don't know the family that well?

Contacting CAMHs yourself ? Really? You obviously have not a clue how counselling works. And it doesn't work on third party gossip.

Original poster

livingontheedgeee · 12/07/2018 12:06

NewYearNewMe18

I appreciate you're only trying to help but the father is gay. Fact. It's not gossip, it's straight from the horses mouth.

You're right, I have no idea how counselling works but common sense tells me that no amount of counselling will get to the bottom of an issue if the people in question don't actually know the root of the problem. Surely that's how it works?

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 12/07/2018 12:47

Contacting CAMHS yourself??? Are you out you mind??

fleshmarketclose · 12/07/2018 13:45

Tbh it doesn't really matter what the reasons are for the separation though does it? If the father left to date a woman, a dog or a horse it would be no different an outcome for the child than if he left to date men. The marriage has ended and the child needs support to cope with that, if when he is told his father is gay (and it should be his parents' who tell him) he needs support for that it will be a separate issue.

youknowwherethecityis · 12/07/2018 13:51

Tbh it doesn't really matter what the reasons are for the separation though does it?

But it does when the child in question thinks it's because of them, or something they've done. That's the whole point of the thread.

rollingonariver · 12/07/2018 13:54

Well, no child is at fault for any divorce gay or not. I think you're being a little bit U because what would you have them say if they just didn't work out? Still not the child's fault, idk if I'm making sense I'm very ill 🤧

Broken11Girl · 12/07/2018 13:58

I don't see the connection you're making OP between the DC feeling responsible for the marriage breakdown and the dad being gay. It's very common for DC to think they are somehow to blame. Surely someone can reassure the poor kid without going into the specifics? Why on earth would both parents not just say something like - I'm not getting into details but we couldn't live together any more, you're too young to understand adult relationship issues and those are the responsibility of the adults involved to deal with, it's not your fault. CAMHS should definitely be instilling that as well.

rollingonariver · 12/07/2018 13:59

Also, my parents split up because my mum is gay. I initially thought it was my fault, finding out mum was guy didn't change anything. It made me feel shit because everyone else knew before me (literally everyone).

SorryAuntLydia · 12/07/2018 14:06

I totally understand why you want to intervene and I think pps are being a bit dismissive because it’s a MH rather than physical health issue. It sounds like this child needs more support than they are getting and is receiving inadequate parenting and care - potentially this is neglect/abuse.
I think you should talk to the child’s teacher or the safeguarding lead at school about this, particularly if there is a culture of self-harm and history of teen suicide at school. Hopefully they can make some sort of intervention.

User12879923378 · 12/07/2018 14:10

I see why you would want to intervene but I don't think you should. The message this young person needs to get is not that the divorce was someone else's fault but that these things happen, people change and adults make choices and none of this is the responsibility of a child of the marriage. I agree that this poor kid may be even more unsettled by finding out that her father has been keeping this huge secret for so long. I see you mean well OP but it's really best left.

User12879923378 · 12/07/2018 14:11

Their father I should say not that gender is massively relevant to what you have said.

Arum51 · 12/07/2018 15:07

i can see why you are concerned here, particularly as there have been two suicides at the school. Suicide is socially contagious, particularly among teens.

However, I think that's actually an argument for not getting involved. The mum here has done the right thing, the child is getting professional support. You've no reason to believe that she hasn't told CAMHS, or the school, the real reason for the divorce. As pps have pointed out, the real reason for the divorce isn't actually the issue anyway - no matter what the reason, children often blame themselves for their parent's divorce. I think you'd be advised to respect the intuition of those who know this child (including your own child) and leave this to the professionals.

Original poster

livingontheedgeee · 13/07/2018 10:40

Whether the father is gay or not is really irrelevant. Nor is it really relevant that the father has chosen to live this underground life of secrets and lies - that's between the two parents. It's the fact that neither parent sees fit to tell their DC (late teens) that he is gay, lives with a new partner who has been presented as a "friend" (and who moves out when the kids visit!!) and this is the reason their parents have split up.

I absolutely see what some people are saying about not getting involved but this child is still cutting themselves 12 months after starting counselling and the parents don't see fit to come clean and fill in the gaps, perhaps then allowing the child to put things into perspective and start to heal.

OP posts:

fleshmarketclose · 13/07/2018 11:16

Oh come on you are talking about an older teen. He will know that his Father's friend is a partner and his Dad is gay. Teens are so much more aware these days. That he doesn't want to verbalise it with anyone else just now is down to him.
Self harm isn't that easy to address, my daughter has been doing it since she was five (it's because of the autism rather than family circumstances) She is 15 and in therapy we have spells where she stops and spells where it starts again. It isn't easy to stop even with all the input on offer. She has been self harming pretty regularly for three years now.
The child is getting support from CAMHS, it's none of your business and you definitely shouldn't be interfering. If you are worried that it might influence your child then you should be speaking with them not looking for ways to spill the beans and "save" their friend.

Original poster

livingontheedgeee · 13/07/2018 12:21

I can't help feeling that when this kid finds out they've been lied to for years by both their parents that this won't have some type of long-lasting effect on the rest of their life and their future relationships with other people. Who could sit by and watch their child harm themselves knowing how mixed up they are about why their parent left.

It's not the way I would treat my child but I will bow to opinion and stay out of it.

OP posts:

Original poster

livingontheedgeee · 13/07/2018 12:23

fleshmarketclose My DD has asked her friend if the father might be gay or in a new relationship to which they replied definitely not so, no, they have no idea whatsoever.

OP posts:

tattyheadsmum · 13/07/2018 12:25

OP, why does the child think they are to blame for the break up?

Fivelittleduckies · 13/07/2018 12:36

A sad situation indeed but perhaps there is more to the story than you are privy to OP? As much as you want to help unfortunately you’re not in a position to. If the child is already receiving counseling then at least you know they are getting help. Anything beyond that is not really your business I’m afraid.

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