Family secrets and child self-harming

[livingontheedgeee]

This is a very sensitive situation and I don't want to give too many details for obvious reasons.

A friend of my DC has been referred to CAHMS for self-harming. The child believes they are to blame for their parents splitting up.

The truth is that the DF is gay, he's has been having extramarital gay relationships for years and it's something which has been kept from all the DC in the family and the primary reason for their divorce.

The DM doesn't believe it's her responsibility to tell the DC the truth. The DF is a coward so he hasn't said anything either. Lots of the family's friends know but don't want to spill the beans as it's really not their business.

The child is failing at school, has severe anxiety, has fallen into a group of friends who see self-harming as a way of managing life.

My DC says it's none of her business so refuses to say anything even if it's just to the degree of dropping some hints but I think it's really bad that this child is going through all this when possibly if they were told the truth, lots of things could be put into perspective and they could start living their life again. I don't imagine the child's counsellor knows anything about it either so can't even give the correct advice and help them overcome their depression.

I actually think it's disgraceful of both parents to allow this DC to go on believing they are partly to blame for this split. I'm not sure what it's going to take but am pretty certain when the truth comes out, the fact it's been hidden will have ramifications for their family for years to come

They think they are to blame because when the DF lived with them, the child constantly berated him for his behaviour towards the DM.

Hmmm, in that case I agree with you. I think the child has a right to know; I just don’t think you’re the right person to do it.

It must be very hard though to stand on the sidelines when you know something that could help. The fact is OP, the child will work it out eventually. And if they’re almost an adult, it probably won’t take that long.

Or they might not want to discuss their father's sexuality with a friend might they? It sounds as if the child was subject to emotional abuse from his father when his parents were together, don't you think that might have had a more significant impact than the fact his father gay?
It's not your pony and not your circus, can't you lavish this unneeded attention on your own child or something or get a hobby to distract you or something? It's not healthy to be so invested n something that doesn't concern you tbh and I find it really distasteful.

I think it's fairly common for children-even adult children, to wonder if they're the cause of the break up. I can remember a friend at school (teenage) thinking if she'd done this, that and the other then her dad might well not have had an affair which broke up her parents. Everything from if she'd tidied her room through to if she hadn't asked him for £3 for the cinema that time.

I would hope if they have a counsellor then they are expert enough to draw out anything like that.