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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is a subtle and persistent attempt by MIL to find out when we will be TTC

49 replies

Stressballs · 11/07/2018 13:27

We are getting married next month and MIL (to be) over the past couple of months been persistently making comments which appear to be in an attempt to get DP or I to reveal information as to when we plan to TTC. Almost every time we see her (usually once a week) she will mention things like “I’ve got a lovely rocking horse saved in the attic for whenever you decide to have children”, “I’ve kept lots of classic children’s books for your children”, “I’m happy to babysit for you during the week when you go back to work after you decide to have a child”, “would you want to know the sex of your baby when you have a scan or would you wait?” etc etc. DP thinks there’s absolutely nothing in it and I’m overreacting, but I feel like there’s a huge expectation and pressure for us to produce a child almost immediately after the wedding.

DP has already told her that we do want to have a family one day, but she has no idea that we have plans to try late 2019... and I certainly don’t want her to know. I have endometriosis so despite being relatively young, I don’t know how things will go when we TTC and I feel pressured with all the comments.

Am I miss reading this or shall I have a word?

OP posts:

obviousNC101 · 11/07/2018 13:48

Since you've already made a very specific decision on when to try (which by the way is a bit weird in itself), why not just tell her that?

blackbirdbluebottle · 11/07/2018 13:50

Could just say you are going to wait 5 years so you can have time to enjoy married without kids and explore

TurnipCake · 11/07/2018 13:51

Not weird at all! We can't start trying for 6 months because we've been to a Zika area so we've got a specific month to start

"We'll let you know once I'm pregnant" and repeat ad nauseum

girlywhirly · 11/07/2018 14:39

I became a MIL this Spring, and even though DS and DIL have said maybe 2020 to think about DC, (I didn’t raise the subject, they did)I have not said anything about the crib that my dad made for DS which is carefully stored in my loft! They might not like it, and I certainly wouldn’t make them have anything that they didn’t want. I had my turn at choosing baby things. If they announce a pregnancy in the future, I will mention it but not until then. It’s really bad to keep badgering a couple.

blueshoes · 11/07/2018 14:50

Since you've already made a very specific decision on when to try (which by the way is a bit weird in itself), why not just tell her that?

I can imagine OP coming under even more intense pressure once the supposed start date kicks off, assuming MIL would allow a cease fire even before that date.

Bad idea generally to let people know when you are ttc-ing and even worse when it is someone with such as persistent and vested interest.

SilverySurfer · 11/07/2018 14:54

Just smile and nod, say lovely, and change the subject.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 11/07/2018 14:55

Would you tell your mum when you start ttc?

CuppaSarah · 11/07/2018 15:00

If you're comfortable telling her, why not mention the endo and the fact it could complicate TTC so it's best not to get too excited about grandchildren arriving anytime soon.

Obviously that entirely depends on how tactful and sensitive she is and whether you would even want to talk about it with her. If she's the sort to just start going on about that instead then maybe not.

peachypetite · 11/07/2018 15:03

Definitely do not tell her anything, completely disagree with the suggestion above about telling her when you want to start. Just change the subject.

PalePinkSwan · 11/07/2018 15:07

Why on earth should op tell her when she’s planning to try? What a bizarre idea.

Sounds like she’s excited and keen for grabdhildren - see it as happy and hopeful rather than pressure! Just keep replying with “hopefully one day” and “we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it” etc, she will calm down.

AngelsSins · 11/07/2018 15:10

Eugh, so much pressure! Could you casually tell her that you have no plans for children any time soon? I would not tell her that you have a rough date planned, the pressure will only grow and you don’t need the stress.

DoveGreylove · 11/07/2018 15:10

Since you've already made a very specific decision on when to try (which by the way is a bit weird in itself)
obviousNC101 Why is it weird they have discussed and agreed when they will start TTC? Surely that's fairly normal? Everybody has their reasons for waiting!

Stressballs I have had a similar situation and I just try to rise above it or change the subject. She probably doesn't realise what she's doing. You could always say, "oh... let us get married first!" or "we would like to enjoy being married for a bit first!!". She'll get the hint!

ConciseandNice · 11/07/2018 15:14

She is just excited. I can understand that. If you have a good relationship with her why don’t you tell her about your endometriosis and how that affects things. Or just tell her you don’t know. Either way communicate with her, she’s trying to engage and it seems to me that you’re not. It’s good to have a MiL who is interested. It could be so much worse.

Dixiechickonhols · 11/07/2018 15:15

Just say or get Dh to say you’ve no plans for children as yet and you are looking forward to enjoying a few years together as a couple as newlyweds.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2018 15:15

Pestering your DIL, whether it be directly or "subtly", about when she is going to have a baby is one of the biggest mistakes a MIL can make. It causes nothing but stress and resentment, never mind that it is totally inappropriate and none of the MIL's business. I highly suggest you say firmly that you have no immediate plans and would prefer not to discuss it. If needed, your partner needs to deal with his mother and tell her to knock it off. Also, don't even think about telling her when you do TTC, it will only cause misery with the constant questions. She can know when you're pregnant.

FlyingDandelionSeed · 11/07/2018 15:15

DP has already told her that we do want to have a family one day

I think that as you've told her you are intending on having kids, it's a bit unreasonable to fuss that she's telling you about toys/books etc.

I would get dp to tell her that you aren't going to be TTC immediately after the wedding and ask her to back off a bit as it's putting pressure on you.

AdulterousMuse · 11/07/2018 15:19

Either way communicate with her, she’s trying to engage and it seems to me that you’re not. It’s good to have a MiL who is interested. It could be so much worse.

I can't imagine much worse than a MIL who is unhealthily interested in my sex life, and who is continually boring on about grandchildren.

OP, tell her you've changed your mind and aren't planning to have children, and are going to concentrate instead on retraining as a shaman/dropping out to enter an ashram in Uttar Pradesh.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/07/2018 15:22

Well I would say not for 5 or 6 years if I was the OP. It may be too personal, but mil is excited, and that should dampen down the comments.

LML83 · 11/07/2018 15:26

Sounds like she is excited and perhaps assuming you will try after wedding, a lot of people do. (No right it wrong of course).

I would let her know you have no plans for a few years yet to manage her expectations and leave it at that.

ElectricSeal · 11/07/2018 15:28

We didn't tell anyone we were ttc, I was diagnosed with endo shortly after marriage and due to pain not because we couldn't conceive.

I told my Mum the truth which was I had endo and following surgery I was told it would be IVF if and when we ttc.

I only told my best friend as she herself had 2 children and had tried for over a year to get pregnant. I not even sure we told PIL that I had endo as we were not at all close to them.

I didn't need IVF in the end luckily, ttc and became pregnant immediately shocking not only ourselves but my gynae too

It just adds pressure if people know you are ttc. My sister took over a year and was sick of people asking her if she was trying.

henpeckedinchief · 11/07/2018 15:28

YANBU - she should keep her beak out! And I also don't think you should tell her when you plan to try unless you a) want the pressure to ramp up when that time comes and b) are comfortable with her desperately looking for signs that you're either shagging ferociously or already pregnant every time you see her from then on.

crazychemist · 11/07/2018 15:36

Not at all weird to plan! I'd think it was naive to marry without discussing children, you want to make sure you're on the same wavelength! I assume the OP has a specific reason e.g, job or house. Planning is mature and sensible, as is a recognition of factors that may affect timing.

MIL may just be excited, and may want to make it clear she will support as that might affect your decision. Supportive family makes an ENORMOUS difference! I doubt she's trying to make you uncomfortable.

Just nod and smile and say you want to spend some time together as husband and wife before you start a family. Don't give her a specific time frame if you don't want to be answering questions next year. Get DP to do it if you aren't comfortable doing so.

Pretty sure if I'm ever a MIL I'll want to make similar comments, but not to pry, just to make the offer clear well in advance.

GuntyMcGee · 11/07/2018 15:39

Ugh. We had this with DHs step mother.
Except that she wasn't anywhere near subtle. It was constantly 'when are you going to give me a grandchild?' We tried all manner of gentle brush offs until I lost it and told her 'When a doctor puts one in there and it stick! I'm fucking infertile OK? I don't fucking know when or even if we'll ever have a kid so back off please'.
Im not proud of the outburst but after almost 7 years of it, combined with the underlying agony of it not happening for us when everyone else was getting pregnant at the drop of a pair of knickers, I lost it.

After our first ivf attempt ended in miscarriage and her spreading it around the town, we didn't tell anyone when we did the second. A few years later she said 'when are you going to do the second round then?' And I told her we don't talk about it because it gets shared around and it's very personal.

In your position I'd be inclined to gently but firmly say 'when we have news to share we'll be happy to share it, but in the meantime can you please stop hinting and asking about something very personal'

upsideup · 11/07/2018 15:40

Pestering your DIL, whether it be directly or "subtly", about when she is going to have a baby is one of the biggest mistakes a MIL can make.

Really? My MiL has done a lot worse! Surely you can just say not to the end of next year or even not for a few years?
You told her you want to start a family, shes excited and probably thought that meant you were planning on trying soon just tell her your not and she'll stop asking.

diddl · 11/07/2018 15:41

"DP has already told her that we do want to have a family one day, "

Is she not directing her comments at him then?

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