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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that this is a subtle and persistent attempt by MIL to find out when we will be TTC

49 replies

Stressballs · 11/07/2018 13:27

We are getting married next month and MIL (to be) over the past couple of months been persistently making comments which appear to be in an attempt to get DP or I to reveal information as to when we plan to TTC. Almost every time we see her (usually once a week) she will mention things like “I’ve got a lovely rocking horse saved in the attic for whenever you decide to have children”, “I’ve kept lots of classic children’s books for your children”, “I’m happy to babysit for you during the week when you go back to work after you decide to have a child”, “would you want to know the sex of your baby when you have a scan or would you wait?” etc etc. DP thinks there’s absolutely nothing in it and I’m overreacting, but I feel like there’s a huge expectation and pressure for us to produce a child almost immediately after the wedding.

DP has already told her that we do want to have a family one day, but she has no idea that we have plans to try late 2019... and I certainly don’t want her to know. I have endometriosis so despite being relatively young, I don’t know how things will go when we TTC and I feel pressured with all the comments.

Am I miss reading this or shall I have a word?

OP posts:

RideOn · 11/07/2018 15:45

I would not tell her when you are ttc. It would just add pressure. I think I might say something after you are married like "we don't need those things yet. We'd like to have children one day but we're enjoying just being married for now."
If she asked specifically I'd still not say, I'd just say "it puts pressure on us, if everyone is waiting for us to announce a pregnancy, so I'd rather me and DH keep that to ourselves"

I don't think she is looking to know timings, I think she is expecting you will be ttc and so getting interested/thinking through what may help you /delighted.

BertrandRussell · 11/07/2018 15:45

"Oh, that'll be lovely when the time comes. Won't be for a couple of years at least, though- we want to get used to being married first .But keep them safe for us!"

Sittingonaspindryer · 11/07/2018 15:52

"Would you like us to let you know when we start having bareback sex?"
"Do you want a front row seat?"

Whatever happens, don't let her know once you do start trying, or the questioning will intensify.

PirateWeasel · 11/07/2018 15:58

I wouldn't mention when you're going to start ttc. It would shut her up until then, but if she's as eager as she sounds she will probably write it in her diary and want a regular progress report when the time comes! So don't commit to anything as far as she's concerned. Fob her off with 'we'll think about it one day' etc etc until she gets the message that it will happen if/when it happens and you're in no hurry. It's so cheeky when family think they have a right to a say in your reproductive system!

Spaghettijumper · 11/07/2018 15:59

It very much depends on your relationship with her, but it sounds like she is really excited at the prospect of a grandchild and can't help herself. I have to admit that I've been very unsubtle about children when talking to my sister - I would so love to have a niece or nephew and I end up making comments that I know are a bit pushy and annoying. Luckily she forgives me!

MammaSchwifty · 11/07/2018 15:59

Aw, it does sound annoying in many ways, but when your baby does arrive, it will be very much loved by her. It is so nice and such a great thing for your future little one to have doting grandparents in the picture. A child can't have too many loving family members! It sounds like when the time comes, she will be a huge part of your support network since she has offered to baby sit and care for your future child. You are very lucky to have such support available!

However, it sounds like all the hints and comments are starting to get on your tits. Given that she sounds like she's being nice along with the probing, and given her potential future role as a supportive and loving grandma, I think you should communicate kindly and gently in return.
Something along the lines that you don't have any immediate plans but that she will be amongst the first to know if and when the time comes (if that's true, of course).

Ps: I don't think it's at all weird to have an idea of when you plan to ttc. Surely that's just family planning?

GivenAndDenied · 11/07/2018 16:04

Sorry to say, but this is only the beginning of things. And a pretty normal situation in many families. And it won't only be her.

I, and many of the women I know, have found that once you get married, loads of people start asking when you're going to start a family, and how many you intend to have.

Once you're pregnant, then starts the next round of questions - when is it due, what are you having, are you going to breastfeed, etc etc. They also start touching you without your permission, and offering you advice on all aspects of parenting. This continues after you have a baby. And almost immediately after you have your baby, the next round of questions starts, about when you're going to have the next - one friend of mine even got asked about that while she was in hospital having had her first! And they continue to give you advice on how to bring up your child, whether you want it or not.

So while I totally agree that it's nobodies business but yours, when or if you have a child, and how you raise them, the reality is that everyone is going to have an opinion, and you're either going to have to learn just to smile and nod, or be firmly putting half the world right about the fact it's none of their business.

This is just a preview of things to come.

SockMatchmaker · 11/07/2018 16:06

Tell her you’ll be ttc in early 2021 after your dream 3 week holiday to Australia/Thailand/America etc

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 11/07/2018 16:13

I hate this, it's so intrusive. Just smile and say "thank you". I just don't think it's worth the hassle to say anything. Pick your battles etc.
Tempting as it is to say "shall I let you know when we start TTC? I'll text you as soon as he's in 👍"

Bibesia · 11/07/2018 16:24

Since you've already made a very specific decision on when to try (which by the way is a bit weird in itself), why not just tell her that?

Why on earth would anyone do that? Imagine, every time you DTD you'd be thinking about MiL mentally urging you on, and she'd be interrogating OP every other day from something like 30th June 1919 onwards. I can't imagine anything worse.

Osirus · 11/07/2018 16:25

I told my in laws (FIL was worst!) that I preferred baby animals to kids. He was always talking about staying overnight in “the nursery”, when we’d never implied we wanted kids. It’s very rude and presumptuous.

Osirus · 11/07/2018 16:28

Oh, and we didn’t tell anyone when we started trying (which was planned a year in advance!). Good job too, as we needed IVF. Most family (especially DH’s) still don’t know our daughter is the result of IVF. It’s best to keep all TTC details private, otherwise it contributes to the stress if things don’t go as planned.

DroningOn · 11/07/2018 16:37

"We've currently got no plans for kids, not totally sure we want to have a family anyway"

That'll put her gas in a peep

MMM3 · 11/07/2018 16:38

She’s offering presents and support that she’s been told you will be in need of at some point. I have an extremely low tolerance for meddlesome relatives, but... honestly... I can see myself saying things like this to a niece that’s about to be married (who also has mentioned she wants kids at some point).

If it’s making you feel pressured, give her the benefit of the doubt and tell her so at least once before you resent her for it. Woven in bits in your story is that you feel a great deal of “performance anxiety” which she could not possibly know. Tell her you’re feeling pressured when she mentions babies. There’s ZERO reason not to say that, even if it is just purely her excitement. I also highly recommend telling her, at whatever level you’re comfortable, that there’s a possibility it won’t happen even after you’re ready to try.

On the other hand... she may start gushing with offers of top doctors or whatnot... Maybe just tell her you’re thinking 2020 is best....

Original poster

Stressballs · 11/07/2018 16:51

Thanks everyone, I feel a bit better reading this. MIL is a lovely lady and has welcomed me in to the family. She’ll do anything for anyone and I already know what an amazing grandparent she’ll be. I think it’s more around the fact that these comments are intensifying my anxieties around TTC and potentially feeling like a failure. I think I’ll opt with a casual brush off type comment about it being a little while away next time she mentions it.

OP posts:

Flisspaps · 11/07/2018 16:52

Tell her you'd rather not discuss when you and DH decide to have unprotected sex, and that you think it's a bit weird she's interested in knowing about it.

Lotsofdigestives · 11/07/2018 16:59

Since you've already made a very specific decision on when to try (which by the way is a bit weird in itself), why not just tell her that?

Don’t do this, that’s just an invitation for me questions.

Either be vague or say something about in 5 years/never. I’d go for vague personally.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 11/07/2018 17:01

Really Flisspaps? How unkind.

Raines100 · 11/07/2018 17:07

This is not the popular mumsnet opinion, but families are different...

I can't see anything wrong with being totally open about this sort of thing. I would happily tell anyone off the street who asked about my baby plans if they were interested. I would certainly tell my MiL. I'd be upset if she wasn't interested tbh, and if we'd had a hard time conceiving, she would have wanted to be there for all the ups and downs. That's called love.

It's not like sharing financial info, which might change he way people look at you or treat you. People are only going to be happy or sad for you. People are only going to care. What's wrong with that?

Anyway, when I'm a Mum one day, I will hold my tongue because it really seems I'm in the minority with this view.

knittingdad · 11/07/2018 17:58

She is excited about becoming a grandmother in the future and is getting ahead of herself, but at the moment it seems to be focused on her - things that she has that will help, or things that she is offering to do to help. I think this is all harmless and hypothetical in nature.

I wouldn't worry about it unless or until it becomes questions about things that you are doing, or "should" be doing, now.

LML83 · 11/07/2018 18:09

Good update op. Glad you are feeling better about it. Your solution is a good one.

iamawoman · 12/07/2018 17:03

say, so to her so you want to know when we are having rampant and frequent sex??

BunsOfAnarchy · 12/07/2018 17:06

Dont say anything. Take it with a pinch of salt. Shes excited for grandchildren. At least shes interested.

TeeBee · 12/07/2018 17:41

I think I'd reply 'I think you mean 'if' not 'when'. I'm a very private person and this would grind my gears. X

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