Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To refuse to babysit

67 replies

user1489792710 · 11/07/2018 08:00

One of my old school friends recently moved to U.K. for one year for post grad studies with her family. She has two DC 9 and 6. Her husband works elsewhere in UK. Initially I helped out as much I could with settling in, lifts to shops, online payments until her cards came through, meals at my place etc etc. She would frequently call up asking for favours; her mom who was on holiday here to be dropped off to airport etc on a weekday. We both work. I declined.

Most recent is she wants me to babysit her children during the school holidays for a few days that she doesn't have childcare for. Not unreasonable as we don't have family here. She's asked several other friends whose children go to the same school but they refused. There had been some issues with my friend's DDs bullying some of the younger girls.

My problem is this. I have a DD 2 years old and every single time my friends DDs come over they've ignored her completely and refused to engage with her to play. The moment they come in they take out all the toys I mean all the toys, and make an almighty mess. Which is quite ok if they at least let my child join in or tidy up after. They don't. My friend never says anything to rectify this!

I would say I generally like children but I'm really struggling to like these two. I remember playing with my much younger cousins as a child and really enjoying it. I though it was normal. Maybe it's not?

I am free on these days she wants me to babysit but for the above reasons I don't want to. Feel guilty refusing because I understand the difficulties in childcare.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 11/07/2018 08:03

Not at all. She's asking a lot, even if her two DC were nice to yours. Is she planning on paying you?

mydogishot · 11/07/2018 08:06

Just say no.

You don't have to explain, she probably knows why she has trouble (have you told her?) getting childcare and that's not your problem.

If she does push just say the age difference between the dc is too much and you'd worry about one getting left out.

LannieDuck · 11/07/2018 08:09

If she's a good friend, I think you can tell her. Your DD gets upset when they come over because they won't let her join in, and you're not willing to have DD excluded anymore.

littlecabbage · 11/07/2018 08:10

I would be totally honest - tell her your child gets left out. Your child's needs trump her need for childcare. That's fair enough.

butlerswharf · 11/07/2018 08:13

Just say no

Hanuman · 11/07/2018 08:13

I think it is easier not to justify or try to explain. Just say "I am afraid that doesn't work for us"

There are lots of holiday clubs and other types of paid childcare - if she only has to pay for a few days in the summer holidays, she has done well!

Does she ever reciprocate?

SnuggyBuggy · 11/07/2018 08:16

Say no. The dynamic between the kids doesn't work so well.

lemonnmeringuepie · 11/07/2018 08:25

If you really don't want to, then just say no x

MMM3 · 11/07/2018 08:29

Absolutely say no.

If you really want to say yes, what about babysitting at their home? At 9 and 6, they can basically entertain themselves with a bit of supervision. They can play like any other day at home, trashing their own things, and you can play with your daughter and a few toys and books you bring for her- also like any other day at home.

dailygrowl · 11/07/2018 08:32

I too would say no. It sounds like she's taken you for granted for some time! Also, if she somehow knows that her kids aren't nice to other kids, perhaps she should have asked if your own DD was comfortable with her kids. It sounds like her kids have picked up some of her "me first" attitude from her....

It's normal to enjoy playing with one's cousins. But unfortunately her kids don't seem to be normal or nice, and at age 6 and 9, they should be capable of some tidying up (although a prompt from parents is often needed at this age - ie your friend).

I do know of some kids who are like this and whose mothers make things worse by 1) not expecting their kid to behave better, 2) treating their friends who have invited them over as free babysitters and free butlers who make them tea and clean up the mess their kids leave behind!

cakecakecheese · 11/07/2018 08:39

Don't do it. My Mum used to babysit the next door kids and one of them was so nasty to me, I don't think my Mum ever knew as this girl was a master manipulator who managed to make me look like the naughty one. It still upsets me to think about it! I know at 2 your daughter probably won't remember but it's still not worth it.

MidniteScribbler · 11/07/2018 08:42

I would really expect older kids to necessarily want to play with a very young child. That said, the not cleaning up after themselves and you don't want to do it, so just say no.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/07/2018 09:00

Don't, she sounds like a cheeky fecker tbh. Just say no, sorry you can't. I wonder why others have refused her . Is she going to pay you, or cover expenses, I thought not!

Jaxhog · 11/07/2018 09:00

Just say no. Don't explain why, as this then gives her an opening to change your mind.

Flyme21 · 11/07/2018 09:02

I think you're best not making any excuses or giving any reasons. If you do you give her room to negotiate. She's had her share of favours. Just say no, and if you want add the MN "that doesn't work for me". If she tries to persuade just say something like - I have a lot planned and don't want to tie myself down to childminding at all.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/07/2018 09:07

If she wasn’t a cf she’d be encouraging her kids to play with your dd at least some of the time, respecting you and looking after you dds things. One of the basic conversations to have with an older child is to be gentle and kind to little kids.

My dd is 10. She loves little kids so I know she’d look after your dd. I know not all children are the same and some don’t want to play with a child with such a large age gap. However it sounds as if her attitude has rubbed off onto them: take advantage of others generosity.

I can believe she asked you to do an airport run for her parents.

Original poster

user1489792710 · 11/07/2018 11:13

Thanks for the replies. No she isn't going to pay me for babysitting and I wouldn't expect her to. It's just that I don't know if I'm being unreasonable refusing. Before having my own child I had so many preconceptions and expectations from my friends with children but only realised the difficulties of parenting once I had one myself. So I try harder to understand and help out now. I wasn't sure if this was normal behaviour for 9 and 6 year olds and I wasn't just refusing to babysit for silly reasons.

She has holiday club booked in for some days but apparently didn't book these days in because she knew I didn't work on Mondays!

Thanks again. I probably won't be able to say no outright but come up with some excuse.

OP posts:

shakingmyhead1 · 11/07/2018 11:23

yes you can say no outright... "babysitting on Monday? No sorry that doesnt work for me " " what am i doing?" " we have plans and appointments" " can they come with me? they wont be any trouble?" " no sorry that doesnt work for me, i hope you find someone" " got to dash im running late, bye"

there ya go the whole convo mapped out

NataliaOsipova · 11/07/2018 11:29

She has holiday club booked in for some days but apparently didn't book these days in because she knew I didn't work on Mondays!

That's hugely presumptuous! Just say no, sorry, you already have plans with your DD.

AudiQ2 · 11/07/2018 11:32

Why is nobody telling your friend what her children are doing?

PureColdWind · 11/07/2018 11:32

I know lots of largely well behaved 6 and 9 year olds that would have zero interest or very limited interest in playing with a 2 year old and who would make a mess and need to be instructed to clean up after themselves.

The problem here seems to be the parent who doesn't mind putting you to trouble. You need to be assertive with her as others have said.

0nTheEdge · 11/07/2018 11:45

Ooh eek - she wants you to have her kids because she doesn't have childcare, but she doesn't have childcare because she didn't book it as she presumed you'd say yes to having them! It's rude to not ask you first, she sounds very entitled. I wouldn't do it for that fact alone, plus the making a mess and not playing with your little one on top.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 11/07/2018 11:46

She didn't book holiday club for Mondays because she knew you didn't work then?????

I'd say no for that alone, never mind all the issues with the children. How dare she just assume you would be her unpaid childcare before even asking you?

MrsMozart · 11/07/2018 11:50

"No" is your answer.

If you can't just say it then come up with something vague about appointments on thise days.

pencilpot99 · 11/07/2018 11:50

To be fair, for a 6 and 9 y/o, playing with a 2 y/o would be interesting for about 10 minutes. If you don't want to have them over, just say so. Or say you can do eg. one day (and plan a trip out to the park etc so more interesting for different age groups) but say you're busy with other things for the rest of the time. Her childcare is not your problem.

Flip

1 2 3

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.