To refuse to babysit

[user1489792710]

One of my old school friends recently moved to U.K. for one year for post grad studies with her family. She has two DC 9 and 6. Her husband works elsewhere in UK. Initially I helped out as much I could with settling in, lifts to shops, online payments until her cards came through, meals at my place etc etc. She would frequently call up asking for favours; her mom who was on holiday here to be dropped off to airport etc on a weekday. We both work. I declined.

Most recent is she wants me to babysit her children during the school holidays for a few days that she doesn't have childcare for. Not unreasonable as we don't have family here. She's asked several other friends whose children go to the same school but they refused. There had been some issues with my friend's DDs bullying some of the younger girls.

My problem is this. I have a DD 2 years old and every single time my friends DDs come over they've ignored her completely and refused to engage with her to play. The moment they come in they take out all the toys I mean all the toys, and make an almighty mess. Which is quite ok if they at least let my child join in or tidy up after. They don't. My friend never says anything to rectify this!

I would say I generally like children but I'm really struggling to like these two. I remember playing with my much younger cousins as a child and really enjoying it. I though it was normal. Maybe it's not?

I am free on these days she wants me to babysit but for the above reasons I don't want to. Feel guilty refusing because I understand the difficulties in childcare.

AIBU?

She didn't book it because she assumed you would!?!?? Oh no. No bloody way.

I would say no for the presumption alone too!

Plus you don't want to have them, so dont!

That would piss me off, she didn't book them in on a day that you don't work without even asking you first. It's fine to ask for (a few) favours, never fine to assume that favours will be given without even checking first. Just say that you can't. If she makes a fuss point out that if she had checked with you when she was booking holiday care then she would have known that you couldn't do childcare for her. You didn't cause the lack of childcare, and you don't need to solve it.

It’s pretty hard to see what she’s contributing to this friendship even without the babysitting request.

Say no and have no guilt whatsoever.

What upsets me is the thought of your 2yo feeling bullied in her own home.

So a 6&9 yo come over to play, get all of your DDs toys out and wont let her play with them... in her own home, her safe space?

Absolutely not - and i would be telling her the reason too

9 and 6-year-olds don't often enjoy playing with 2-year-olds - but that's not the point. If you don't want to do it - don't feel guilted into agreeing. Your time and energy are important - you have done enough already for your friend. Give yourself permission to stop helping her now if you don't want to. Lots of people don't have family to reply on - she needs to learn if she wants help from friends she needs to treat them better.

I was on the fence until you said she'd booked holiday clubs for all days except the days she knew you didn't work! Now I have no sympathy for her.

She can fucking book Mondays as well. Absolutely no way would I say yes.

The comment about not booking childcare on Mondays is incredibly cheeky. That would make me really not want to look after her children. To be clear if you were to agree to look after her children on Monday, you may as well send your dd to nursery / childcare that day as she’d have more fun with her peers than being at home with them. If you want to give a reason for not taking her children, ^^ this is the reason.

Just tell her "No". If she pushes you (as she probably will) Mondays are your "baby and me" time, and you have made yourself a promise never to encroach on them because your little one will grow up faster than you think and you don't want to waste a moment.

If she insists, THEN tell her that her DDs are the very Spawn of Hell and you would rather crawl over broken glass than spend a minute more with them than you have to.

It’s normal for children that age to not want to play with a two year old (some will love it, some won’t). Also normal to need prompting to tidy up, especially when excited, but they should be capable of doing it when prompted.

But you are absolutely right to say no! Your own two year old is and should be your priority. If the dynamic doesn’t work then that’s too bad.

Her childcare issues are not your responsibility! Especially since she only doesn’t have childcare because of her own choice and a CF assumption that you would step in.

It’s not an emergency or unexpected. It’s her normal working days in normal school holidays. She should have arranged childcare. It’s not your problem that she chose not to bother

She's asked several other friends whose children go to the same school but they refused

It's OK for you to refuse too. You have done WAY more than anyone else would have done!

Say no and let it go, the rest of us pay for our child care, her H is working, let them sort it out for themselves.

No, friend, I've got enough on my plate with my DC already, it's not fun for the 2yo to have older kids around as she gets left out and then gets upset. so it's a no. It doesn't work for me or for my family.

I mean if you were in any doubt whether this is a friend or a cheeky fucker the fact she deliberately didn’t book holiday club on your days off nails it. She wants childcare. She just doesn’t want to pay for it. You’ll do. She knows you won’t say no (like everyone else...)

Honestly there is no chance on earth I would cover her childcare after that stunt. But I appreciate you are probably less blunt than me so you could phrase it along the lines of - oh I’ve already planned stuff for those days what with them being my days off. Give a perplexed look as to why she would assume you would be on call for free childcare or something.

Honestly. Some people!

I want to say no but just don't know how? If that makes sense. DH is quite unhappy about the amount of favours we've done for her. Example: I paid for her children's school uniforms on line because she didn't have a credit card at the time. Her husband has one but she didn't ask him! I don't understand why. She paid me back however. She also asked me to make an online payment for her moms airline tickets for the above reasons. Again she could have just asked her husband. All of these are not time consuming I understand but I wouldn't bother others with and take of myself. I honestly don't understand why.

Also when she needed a lift into town I left my DD at her place with her mom looking after the children. Apparently her DDs locked themselves in the room and refused come out to play with my DD. As others have said I may be unfair in wanting them to interact with my child but it hurt to see my DD by herself when we came back with no toys because they've taken it all in. There wasn't anything said at all to the children on my friends part. I understand different parents parent differently but...

Anyway I'm rambling now think all the messages here have made me realise how upset I was about all this.

"No friend, sorry, that doesn't work for us."

Repeat. As often as it needs to be said.

she asks you because you make her life easy.

But that ISN'T your job!

I'd be ashamed to be so needy with any friend of mine! I book holiday activity for my DS and if he goes he goes, if he gets an invite to stay with someone he goes.

I've buddied up with other mums/kids before, but it has to work from the kids POV.

"I want to say no but just don't know how?"

You've been given loads of examples already. Woman up, what have you got to lose? She's either a true friend who values you beyond all the favours you do her so you saying no won't rock the boat, or she'll get huffy in which case you know there's no friendship there and she's simply using you.

What Hissy said:

No, friend, I've got enough on my plate with my DC already, it's not fun for the 2yo to have older kids around as she gets left out and then gets upset. so it's a no. It doesn't work for me or for my family.

I understand that 9 and 6 yo girls wont want to play with a 2 year old, but to deliberately exclude her and remove her toys. that would be a no brainer for me. As i said earlier - do not invite them into your home to bully your child

say NO! Just be ''busy'' you need to prioritise your own sometimes. And do not feel guilty.
''Sorry it doesn't work for me'' is excellent. You're extremely busy.

YNBU to say no as your friend is incredibly cheeky but YBU to expect a 9 and 6 year old to play with a 2 year old. I personally would have found a 2 year old incredibly dull at that age so I'd focus on that less if you can. Kids that age tend to be self absorbed. Just tell them to tidy up any mess they make

Jesus edge calm down! They're not bullying the two year old they're just not interested. People throw the word bully around too easily. And they're not deliberately excluding her out of malice, it's because they have literally nothing in common

Plus the age gap doesn't make sense, you need to be doing happy 2 yo things not 6/9yo things. It's different. Plus I have a sneaking suspicion if you say yes once you'll be railroaded into like 2 weeks worth of hell

She has holiday club booked in for some days but apparently didn't book these days in because she knew I didn't work on Mondays!

For that reason alone I'd tell her no chance. Cheeky cow.

Sorry I can't.

No explanations - if she asks why not, as others have said :
I'm busy
I can't it doesn't work for me.

I have plans -if she pushes you - time with DD 2 is precious and we have some much needed Mummy Daughter time owing.
Or just ask -I'm busy, I have plans, no.
Your children bullied mine last time -took her toys and locked themselves in a room with HER toys in HER house. She was upset.
I'm shattered I need some downtime

etc with the credit card just say -don't know where it is right now or no I'm up to my limit or just no. Repeat ............

try not to say sorry! You have no reason to be.

I would be honest - they don't include my DD and they chuck all the toys on the floor. She'll of course come back with how she will make sure they don't do this but just say no too late.

It's not fair to make you feel guilty for not having them round.

Cheeky!
Sounds like it would make for a long day for you.