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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To let DC attend my nan's funeral

41 replies

Gingerninj · 10/07/2018 21:31

DC are 13, 6 and 22 months. I'm unsure of what to do since all the kids in the family are only attending the wake. This isn't possible to do with my DC as we live a few hours away. My brother says its best just to come down by myself and arrange someone to look after them. I think this is ridiculous, our nan loved them to bits and would have wanted them there. 13 and 6 year old have said they want to go, 13 is deffiently old enough to go, i understand 6 is a bit young but he's sat through weddings and christenings sensibly. I'm probably not going to take my youngest though it would be nice for her to meet parts of my family that i rarely see she wouldn't be able to sit quietly through a funeral

OP posts:

Confusedbeetle · 10/07/2018 21:35

Take them. From 6 or 7 children are old enough to understand the concept and permanence of death and it will help them grieve healthily. The little one will understand nothing and it won't matter. A Grandmother is the right level of love and support to grieve. It is important

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 10/07/2018 21:36

I think it’s important for kids to attend funerals for someone who was special in their lives, a chance to say goodbye and also to understand what it means and why the adults around them are sad.

Terramirabilis · 10/07/2018 21:39

What could be wrong with them attending? Death is a reality. The 13 and 6 yos are old enough to know that and the 22 mo would not understand what was going on anyway so wouldn't be upset.

FatSally · 10/07/2018 21:41

I wouldn't take a six year old to a funeral. I would let the 13 year old go if they wanted to.

Mustardnowletsnotbesilly · 10/07/2018 21:41

I personally think its inappropriate for a child to be at a funeral. They can be very upsetting for a child with people crying and it could raise a lot of questions for your 6 year old that don't need to be thought about yet, about bodies and death and dying. It should be an adult only event so people can grieve without the complexity that children bring to an event.
My Granny always said "Once you start going to funerals you never stop" and its true.

PlantsOfPerspective · 10/07/2018 21:48

I think that children of any age should go to funerals, as long as they want to. It's part of life, and it helps to remind everyone else there that life goes on.

🌻 for you

TheQueenSnortsAvocados · 10/07/2018 21:58

My daughter was 6 when she attended my Dad's funeral. It was hard, and sad, but also beautiful and funny. I 100% believe we made the right choice for her.

Will they be the only children there?

Will you talk through the "itinerary" of the day? Expectations of behaviour, what they will see and hear?

I would recommend a heads up to others about what they do and don't know... my sister explained cremation in slightly more detail than I would have wanted! She didn't know my daughter didn't already know, IYSWIM.

CherryPavlova · 10/07/2018 22:06

I too think attending the funeral of someone they loved is important in
helping children understand life and death. There is nothing horrible to see. Many thousands of children sit through church services every Sunday. The older two are certainly old enough to sit quietly for about 45 minutes and may be fascinated. They are entitled to say goodbye.
The little one wouldn’t understand but I can’t see they’d be a problem.

3littlebadgers · 10/07/2018 22:09

It is healthier for them to attend that not attend. Reality is less scary than imagination. Sorry for your loss

IStillDrinkCava · 10/07/2018 22:10

I'm sorry for your loss. My DD went to a family funeral at 9 (her choice) and I stand by that as the right decision, though it did affect her.

The tricky one is your 6 year old - they may think they want to go but do they really know what they are signing up for? I would be having some very blunt and honest conversations with them beforehand. It is very easy to overestimate a 6 year old's insight & maturity.

LadyFlumpalot · 10/07/2018 22:20

My 7 and 4 year olds will be attending my mums funeral (she's in end of life care) - I wouldn't have it any other way. She is incredibly important to them and they deserve the chance to say goodbye as much as anyone else.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/07/2018 22:20

Six is NOT too young to attend a funeral. No age is unless they are fussing during the service. Death is a natural part of our lives, and a funeral is not something to be shielded from. This is a very important life lesson we all have to learn. Take them.

IsItThatTimeAlready131 · 10/07/2018 22:26

I am sorry for your loss.

If you want to take them and you think they can manage it, then take them, she is your children's great grandma after all, they are allowed to say goodbye to her if you\they want to.

My MIL (so our DCs grandma) died last December, her funeral was in January. We had two teenagers and a 10 and 7 year old at the time and we took them all. We live a 7 hour drive away (plus time for stops, food, possible traffic problems\roadworks etc.) so had to travel on day one, have funeral on day two and travel back on day three, so quite a commitment.

They wanted to go to the funeral and it gave them the opportunity to say goodbye how they wanted to. Their 6 year old cousin wasn't going to go, but once BIL and SIL knew we were taking our DCs they let him go and the cousins all sat together with me and DH. I would have probably regretted it if we'd said no to them going as it was their only chance, we wouldn't be repeating the service for them later.

We did go ready to take them out if they needed to leave. Because DH was taking the funeral (he's a church minister) I would have had to of taken a child out if needed, but if I'd gone out with one then other family, SIL etc. were there for the others. We didn't need to take anyone out, but if you take your children to the funeral it would be a good idea to have a plan of action if you need to take a child out.

IGiorni · 10/07/2018 22:27

I took my 7 year old to his great-grandma’s funeral a few months ago. He was upset but I think it helped him come to terms with it. He went to my friend’s baby’s funeral when he was 6. I think it’s good for children to have an understanding of life and death and to be part of the grieving process. Both times people said it helped having children there as it lightened the mood and provided a welcome distraction at the wake.

isittheholidaysyet · 10/07/2018 22:28

Let them go. Especially the 13 year old.

Let them say goodbye.

He11y · 10/07/2018 22:29

My grandad passed away when I was 7 and I wasn’t given any option to attend the funeral - in fact it wasn’t even spoken of around me. I don’t feel I had a chance to accept his death and it still seems odd even now.

For this reason, my children have been given the choice once they got to around 5 years old. One of them opted to miss the actual funeral of her grandfather but we picked her up for the ‘bun fight’ afterwards so she was still part of it.

Go with your gut - they’re your children and you know them better than anyone.

mirime · 10/07/2018 22:31

I wasn't allowed to go to my DGF funeral when I was 9 and I've always regretted it. I think it also delayed me accepting his death, when visiting my GM I used to put so much effort into pretending he was still alive, just in the kitchen or upstairs.

IsItThatTimeAlready131 · 10/07/2018 22:33

Also, as PPs have said, it might be useful to give them an idea of what will happen, we did with our DCs. It meant they were more prepared for the day and there weren't any questions like "What is happening to the coffin?" "What's going on now?", particularly at quiet or inappropriate moments.

iamthere123 · 10/07/2018 22:33

I was nearly 5 when my grandpa died and I remember being petrified that i was left with my godmother and my grandmas house and there was party food but not a party. Think if I’d gone to the funeral I would have understood more, so I’d say definitely take the 6yo.

intuition · 10/07/2018 22:36

Death is as much a part of life as births and christenings and weddings!! Funerals are life experience. We took our 9 and 11yo DS to the very young aunts funeral. Her daughter was also there and was 10. It was important for the cousins to be together. It was a sudden tragic death of a beautiful young woman. It was incredibly sad and they saw lots of people upset including their GPs. 3 years later and no regrets. It was tragic and they needed to know that.

DrCoconut · 10/07/2018 22:37

I was 6 when I attended my dads requiem mass (no burial as he donated his body to science). My 3 year old brother was there too. It wasn't my first funeral either. I find keeping children away from the subject of death to be a very peculiar and very British thing, but at the same time I accept people's right to have their family occasions as they wish.

Myotherusernameisbest · 10/07/2018 22:37

If they want to go, they should go. I don't get why people keep kids away from a funeral of someone they were very close to. Often it's a way for the child to say their goodbye, especially younger children who are struggling to grasp the finality of it all.

tracymars · 10/07/2018 22:39

My grandad died when I was about 4. I was close to him and always ran to him whenever we went to visit. I wasn't told he'd died until after the funeral. I was really upset and crying and saying that I didn't get to say goodbye by going to the funeral. For a while afterwards I had a recurring nightmare where he was chasing me and shouting my name. I was told they didn't tell me because I'd cry at the funeral. But what is wrong with that.

I think if a child is old enough to understand whats happened they should choose whether to go to the funeral

Lonecatwithkitten · 10/07/2018 22:42

I feel that not attending funerals till you are older leads you to feel more upset by then.
Attending as a child helps you to understand that they are part of the tapestry of life. That grief is normal and that also remembering the person is a good thing.
Yesterday, I attend the funeral of a wonderful man who I was lucky enough to have as my work mentor. As much of the funeral was of happy memories and laughter as it was sad and upsetting. His young grandchildren were there and saw what an incredibly loved and valued member of our community he was by the vast number of people who choose to honour him.

DML13 · 10/07/2018 22:43

Take the children to the funeral. As a child I attended my funerals in my family - it may sound sad, but on reflection it was the right thing to do as it provided my closure and a method of saying goodbye. At the age of 14 years I started playing the organ at church on Sundays and then later for funerals. Culturally we need to 'celebrate' the end of a persons life, just as we would 'celebrate' the beginning and birth of a life. In the UK at least I see a remarkable distancing of people from death and discussion is still very closed. It is human nature to cry, say goodbyes and share in the grieving process. Allow them to go, please.

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