To let DC attend my nan's funeral

[Gingerninj]

DC are 13, 6 and 22 months. I'm unsure of what to do since all the kids in the family are only attending the wake. This isn't possible to do with my DC as we live a few hours away. My brother says its best just to come down by myself and arrange someone to look after them. I think this is ridiculous, our nan loved them to bits and would have wanted them there. 13 and 6 year old have said they want to go, 13 is deffiently old enough to go, i understand 6 is a bit young but he's sat through weddings and christenings sensibly. I'm probably not going to take my youngest though it would be nice for her to meet parts of my family that i rarely see she wouldn't be able to sit quietly through a funeral

I think children of all ages should go to funerals. Death is a part of life. We treat it as such a taboo in this country and then wonder why people have such a crippling fear of it. It's inevitable. Expose them to it from a young age and remove the idea that it's a scary thing.

I was 11 when my first grandparent died- others went at 14,17 and 18. I still feel like I should have been there and missed out saying goodbye so I would say definitely take them- it's part of the journey - even if the 6 year old doesn't fully understand it all now in years to come it will feel better

I absolutely think that if they want to go you should take them. Death is a natural part of life and mystifying it helps no one. I felt excluded and confused at not being able to attend a gp's funeral at 3.

I think a pp's advice about explaining what will happen is wise.

Take the children. I cannot imagine a funeral which doesn't have them in my family, its an important family occasion. People will help with distracting a toddler getting a bit restive and you can sit at an end of row to take them to the back if needed.

I utterly agree with PPs that they are a part of life and death and the family and the feeling of togetherness at funerals is helpful to the bereaved and helpful to those joining as they grow older. I cannot imaging my DFs family without all generations including the toddlers (who actually provided a very comforting distraction for DM before and after the funeral)

DD(5) came to my grandmother's funeral earlier this year. It was absolutely the right decision. I don't think it was the most fun day any of us have had, but she's part of our family, and knew my grandmother. My extended family were all happy with this - she wasn't the youngest family member there

I remember reading that a secondary school class were asked if they'd lost a relative during primary school. Several had. They were asked if they'd gone to the funeral. Far fewer had. The overwhelming feeling expressed by those who'd been bereaved but hadn't gone to the funeral was regret at being left out.

The fundamentally upsetting event is the death, not the funeral - DD sometimes talks about not seeing Great-Granny again, and how that's sad; it is sad, but it's not the funeral that makes it so.

I would definitely take the older two.

I would let the 13 yr old decide. I wouldn't take the 6 yr old nor the toddler. I am often in the minority on MN, but have attended a lot of funerals over my life and very rarely see children younger than teens at any of them, so am definitely in tune with what happens where I live.

However, the funeral service isn't likely to be that long, maybe ask the part of your family who live near where the funeral is to be held if they know someone who would have them for 40mins whilst you attend, then they can come to the wake, if that is what you want.

IGiorni couldn't agree more, I went to the funeral of an elderly lady, behind me was a baby burbling away to itself its a reminder that life goes on the mum took the baby out which I thought was a shame

Definitely take the children. My DF was not allowed to go to his father's funeral aged 7 and has since spoken about lack of closure. It is important that they get to say goodbye and grieve along with everyone else.

When my mum died all of her 10 great- grandchildren went to her funeral.

Take the kids. I hate when people wrap kids in bubble wrap thinking they are too young. Shes their nan, there is no such thing as too young!

The only qualm will be how disruptive said child can be but that can be rectified by taking child out of the room/service to quieten down. Ive seen babies at funerals and no one batted an eyelid!

Children wont be scarred for life from seeing a roomful of people crying for one day. Its hardly going to affect them. Its one day.

I went to my first funeral aged 4 (my grans).
Mum just told me to behave. I even remember placing a flower in grans casket amd touching her face (im asian, we have open casket and cremations).

It hardly scarred me for life. In fact i appreciate that i was exposed to this so young. It meant i could deal with death a bit better as i grew up, and when i had a more conscious and understanding mind, i was able to handle going to funerals of other close family members (grandpa, uncle etc aged around 12)

My mil passed away 18 months ago,her 21 year old grandson didnt attend her funeral. Because 'he is too young, its gonna really scar him to see her lying there in her casket'.
I found this utterly ridiculous and frankly i was disgusted that my sil thought at 21 her son wouldn't be able to handle a funeral. For his own nan.

Take the kids. Let them say their goodbyes. You'll look back and youll always know you gave them that chance x

If all the other children in the family are only going to the wake, does this mean that those closer to the deceased than you have asked that it should be adults only?

Different families have different ideas about what is appropriate. I think you should be guided by the wishes of whoever is organising the funeral.

My DD has always gone with us to family funerals.Most have been elderly so after the funeral we have a party/bit of a do.
She has always understood that funerals are for friends and family to say goodbye some crying(but less than before) and s lit if people supporting each other,which little children understand.
Also the wake bit is healing where you remember the past and the person,meet friends you never knew and learn new things(thinking about my Gran's funeral when I was a teen,I got talking to some of her childhood friends and defiantly learned a thing or two that the rest of the family never knew and gained s new found respect for her and aninsight into the younger woman).
Children are fine at funerals,families find it comforting to have new life around another end.Its your choice and I suppiseI am bias because this is how it is in our family but my daily didn't let her children go because that was her families way.

Daily=was sil until auto check interfered,probably objecting to me rejecting it's other options.

I would let the 13 year old come. Depends on the individual 6 year old and the relationship they had with your Nan, but I would not take the 22 month year old.

My young children (DS - 4) would be very distracting at a funeral I think. And if you had to take the youngest one outside, what if your older children became overwhelmed and needed you?

my older brother is the one who's organising most of it, since our dad died when we were younger, our grandad died a few years ago and non of her siblings are alive. That pretty much makes her closest living relative her grandchildren and my brother being the oldest the responsibility seemed to fall onto him. But I wouldn't say he was any closer to her than I was. I'm not sure why he doesn't want them there, we all went to our dad's funeral. I was texting my cousin last night and she said she's taking her one month old DD but 9 year old DS will be coming to the wake after school. So I suppose they're not really the only kids there it won't be too bad to take them