Aibu to tell a parent to stop bullying me?

[bandthenjust]

Put up a previous post about my mum nagging me about a job. Well today I told her to stop going on about it as its upsetting me. It didnt go down well, and she told me she's no longer bothering with me, and that I 'imagined it/took the joke the wrong way/it never happened'. shes now texting me telling me about the time i upset her in regards to whatever.
Am I at fault for this? I feel awful, guilty, like I shouldnt've said it, that maybe I have blown this thing out of proportion. Be honest, AIBU?

Unless she is financially supporting you then it's perfectly reasonable to ask her to stop nagging you about jobs and her reaction is way over the top.

Do you owe her money? Are you living in her house? Is she supporting you/your kids?

Sorry, u pset so not thinking properly.
In my 30s, married, got children. I'm a housewife, not looking for work, don't receive benefits and we support ourselves. She loaned us money when we first got our own home - tried to pay her back and she refused. Never ask for money.

She loaned us money about ten years ago btw. Refused to have jt back

I think I read your other post, housewife with supportive dh? If so Yanbu. There is only so many snide comments you can take.

@bandthenjust if you tell a parent to stop bullying you then you have to stomach dealing with the fallout for months and the emotional blackmail they lay on you. Parents will always think their way of treating you is the right one and you have to accept it with no criticism. As an adult you can just refuse to engage if they then turn more abusive, however it is more difficult as a teenager as you are dependent on them so are advised to button your lip unless you have other support like I did.

custard thats me. Supposed to see her this week, and the thought of potenti al comments/the atmosphere she gives off was making me feel really anxio us. I know it sounds stupid, but I decided I had enough and told her. It was through t xt though, and I shook when I was ty ping it please don't mock me lol I know I'm pathetic. Dooes anyone have any ideas of what I should do next?

My mother has been awful about me being a SAHM recently.

It sounds in your case she is being defensive about being called out on her comments.

"The comments you made about getting a job were interfering and completely unnecessary. I'm sorry I upset you about [whatever she's texting you about] but I'm not going to feel guilty for telling you to stop nagging me."

Or something like that, I'm not sure that's my most eloquent Be assertive.

She's bringing up someth ing that happened a year ago ( I said I don't believe the same things as her in terms of religion, and she didn 't speak to me for a week)

Oh FFS, that's not even something offensive! In that case:

"Having different views to people is a part of life, and as an adult you need to be able to deal with that. It's in no way comparable to your nagging, it's interfering, unnecessary and completely disrespectful of my life choices."

Again, you get the gist, even if it's not the most articulately written sample text!

People “stop speaking” as a method of control.

You are meant to feel bad that she is angry with you. That’s the whole point.

Take back some control. Be breezy and cheerful and completely ignore any cold silences.

If she sends horrible texts just ignore them.

If she behaves badly in person calmly call her out on it.

It’s hard to move on from a child/adult interaction but if you stop reacting like a child it’s much harder for her to treat you like one.

You are an adult. Your family finances are none of her business.

You're very eloquent lol. Sorry, I know it sounds pathetic and like I'm a wuss, because I am...it's hard to put across what she's like. She's always been like it. she didn't speak to me for over a month because she brought her dog to my house, the dog evident ly had worms and started 'scooting' across the floor. I told her it was disgusting, that I have kids that play ON THE FLOOR, and she didn't like it. Blanked me for over a month. I'm n ot trying to come across perfect, I'm not, but I still feel bad like I had no right to tell her she upsets me.

Personally I would transfer the amount you borrowed and tell her to leave you alone or you won't be bothering with her anymore.

Than ks amazingpostvoices, I try to do that, I hate conflict. all the years I've not said anything I feel awful and angry afterwards. On the odd occasion I have said something its like I'm the one at fault. I feel powerless in my own home, shown up in front of my kids, she demands that I do as she says as she is my mother.

She is manipulating you emotionally.

You have every right to tell anyone if they have upset you. A normal, kind person would then apologise - not blame you for taking a joke the wrong way, or whatever. She sounds horrible.

It isn't you, it's her.

YANBU, definitely. She sounds manipulative and petulant at best, toxic at worst. 'Imagined it/took the joke the wrong way/it never happened' are all red flags too, this sounds like invalidating/gaslighting behaviour and can be very damaging if you've had a lifetime of it, I speak from experience unfortunately. Your life choices are none of her business.

Thank you for your replies and honesty. I don't have any friends and husband is at work, so mumsnet is literally on ly place I can talk to someone right no w.

band you don’t necessarily need to get involved in conflict.

She can demand all she likes but you don’t have to comply.

You don’t need to argue, you don’t need to apologise, you don’t need to explain.

Calmly and firmly say “We’re Happy with our decision Mum, I’m not going to discuss it any further” and then change the subject.

She can’t make you do anything you know.

How are you at all pathetic for telling someone they're hurting their feelings and you don't like it?

That is exactly what adults are supposed to do, you handled the situation maturely and with the correct intent.

Your mother is being manipulative. How is it that she is upset because you pointed out she was upsetting you? It's scheming of her to turn it around

amazingpostvoices do u offer counselling lol?
I feel pathetic at how bothered I am by it. I KNOW it shou ldnt bother me, but its easier s aid then done. Ive always felt awful after Ive upset someone. Its a 30year habit I'm trying to work on.

If anyone has seen the Disney film Tangled - imagine Mother Gothe l, thats her.

YANBU. I too struggle with this sort of thing. You’ve done nothing wrong, and you are NOT responsible for her response to your saying how you feel, nor her feelings on your choices!

I have to keep reminding yourself it’s the other persons problem, not mine. Doesn’t always work (those sickly feelings of anxiety are hard to shift!) but I try to say to myself that I can’t control their response, and I’m not responsible for it, and I don’t have to do anything just because someone tells me to/gives me grief for it.

unicorn i know right? do u replay things in your head too lol?