Aibu to tell a parent to stop bullying me?

[bandthenjust]

Put up a previous post about my mum nagging me about a job. Well today I told her to stop going on about it as its upsetting me. It didnt go down well, and she told me she's no longer bothering with me, and that I 'imagined it/took the joke the wrong way/it never happened'. shes now texting me telling me about the time i upset her in regards to whatever.
Am I at fault for this? I feel awful, guilty, like I shouldnt've said it, that maybe I have blown this thing out of proportion. Be honest, AIBU?

Hi Op,

Why don't you write all of the issues and upsets down in a big list? It will be helpful I think for you to see that your feelings are valid, this isn't your fault.

Also I really wouldn't put yourself down for being a "wuss". Your relationship with your mother is a massive part of your life and if it's in conflict I can imagine that would massively shake you up...

I'm always shocked at how upset I feel when I have a fall out of difference of opinion with my own Mum...

Maybe if you can see it all on paper, you can then sit your Mum down. Start by telling her how much you love her, and want to continue with the great relationship you have - so think it's best to clear the air on a few things and both have the opportunity to chat?

X

badthenjust I definitely used to! I had cbt because I have ocd and it all got too much at one point, and it was one of the things that it addressed for me. I still do it on occasion, but force myself to stop because it’s happened, and I can’t change what I did iyswim.

I have a strong need to people please, which is something I’m still working on, and it is hard. I try (when faced with difficult family situations) to look at my babies and just say NO if it’ll have a detrimental effect to them, but I just find it so difficult and scary frankly!

We’ll get there, sounds like you’re doing great.

You haven't upset her. She's has chosen to be upset by your commments. Use this opportunity to block her for a while. Keep your distance. You cannot be held responsible for other people's feelings. Some people would just pretend to be upset to be the centre of drama. Ignore.

nofilter thats a great idea, and with a normal-ish person that would work, with her I know it wouldn't. She'd mock it, get angry then abusive. Ive tried similar before and she gets nasty. I might write the list out for myse lf though.
unicorn (i also have ocd) im reall y glad you understand.

Thanks everyone for your comments, I appreciate them

bringincrazyback had to google the term 'gaslighting' - that sounds about right

Good luck with it op sounds really tough xx

Band you aren’t in the least pathetic for feeling upset.

Wanting kindness and approval from our parents isn’t pathetic, it’s normal

Think about your own children. Think about the kind of relationship you intend to have with them when they are adults. Do you think you’ll be saying the minds of things to them that your Mum says to you?

I’d guess that would be a fairly resounding “no”.

So therefore the lack isn’t in you.

I’m not keen on the MN readiness to say “go NC”, I think you’d probably feel better about yourself and about your Mum if you could learn to manage her.

You aren’t pathetic. There’s nothing wrong with you. You do have to change how you deal with her though.

How do you deal with tantrums in toddlers? Kindness, firm boundaries and appropriate consequences.

You don’t argue with a tabtruming toddler do you? Of course not! You either:

Ignore the behaviour completely

Or

State expectations of behaviour, establish boundaries and deliver appropriate consequences.

Afterwards you give them a big hug, tell them you love them and remind them that xyz behaviour is unacceptable.

You never ever give in.

Tantrumming adults are exactly the same.

Establish boundaries and stick to them. Implement consequences as appropriate.

So “Mum I love you but I can’t have this behaviour in my house. Either calm down and behave yourself or take yourself off home and we’ll look forward to seeing you another day”.

Or:

“Mum, I love you but I can’t stay if you continue to talk to me this way. Can we have a nice visit or should I come back another day?”

Just like with a toddler you need to be clear on boundaries and not threaten anything you aren’t prepared to follow through with.

Just like with a toddler, it will take a few goes of implementing consequences before the message gets through.

Consequence doesn’t have to be you leaving btw, it could be you leaving the room for a little bit for example.

If she’s been behaving badly for years without challenge then it will be a bit of a shock for her at first.

She can do it though. I bet she doesn’t speak to her friends, colleagues, neighbours etc like she speaks to you, even if she disagrees with them. Why not? Because they wouldn’t accept it.

Hi OP, I read your other thread.

You told her to mind her own business. That was the right thing to do but you knew she wouldn't like it.

This is you establishing a boundary. She will push back. You just have to ignore it. It's hard but this is the way to not let her effect your life.

Just wait if out. Distract yourself by remembering we can all choose how to respond. Your mum chose this way. Not your problem.

Firstly OP it isn't weird or strange or pathetic to want/expect love/support/understanding from your mother.

It isn't pathetic to not enjoy conflict, or to become nervous when asserting your boundaries for the first time.

This IS hard, and painful. But if you want an adult relationship with your mother you will have to do it.

Maybe it will turn out the only relationship she can have with you that is acceptable to you both is no contact.

That will be difficult to accept because society preconditions us all to think family is super important. Just think about all those phrases like blood is thicker than water, and its different when its family. But its important to recognise that all of that is total bullshit. If someone in your family is treating you abusively and making your life miserable then you absolutely do NOT have to put up with it (unless they are a toddler - when it turns out you do!)

You are NOT always better off with family than without.

The key thing here is that your mother may not understand that her relationship with you needs to change. Now you are a mother yourself you will know that it doesn't come with a magic book with all the answers! So explain what needs to happen. Explain what your boundaries are and the consequences of your mother not respecting them. If she can't or won't get it then honestly you are better off without her in your life.