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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think this is unfair

51 replies

Sweetnlow247 · 10/07/2018 14:25

I’m new to MN so please bear with me.. I quit my job about 6 months ago with my husbands blessing because of some bullying issues at work. I have 2 young teens. My husband earns very good money so finances are not an issue.

Anyway, I have finally decided after some time off that I’m going back to study. My husband is wonderful in every other way except that since I finished work and to a lesser degree before (I worked part time) he does not lift a finger to help at home. I didn’t really mind at first because I’m not working, but I am starting to get annoyed. He comes home from work and I take care of everything. He has been on leave and I have been unwell, but I am still expected to run around after him and the kids and he does absolutely nothing even when he’s off for a few weeks.

AIBU to expect even a genuine offer of help once in a while or should I just be grateful that he’s providing me with a comfortable life and keep my mouth shut! Thanks in advance.

OP posts:

Original poster

Sweetnlow247 · 10/07/2018 14:25

To be starting to get annoyed

OP posts:

FortuneFavoursTheBald · 10/07/2018 14:28

This might not be a popular opinion on MN but I think if you're not doing salaried labour or full-time parenting, you should take on the responsibility of all the housework.

When DP is off work it should be shared more.

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2018 14:31

He may be expecting it but why are you doing it. If you are unwell or tired it’s absolutely fine to say so and tell dh it’s his turn to drive dc or cook dinner.

I don’t work and do sort out most of the house stuff but dh does lots although I’m afraid I do still have to tell him what needs doing. ( yes, it’s the recycling bin tonight, not the landfill )

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 10/07/2018 14:32

I agree partly with above poster. My partner works and I'm a SAHM to 4 kids, ( one in school and one in afternoon nursery). I do the housework as best I can during the day so it's not a complete tip for him to come home to. He will now and again cook dinner and he always does the dishes after tea. I think this is fair as he works long hours.
When he's off, he does more around the house.

LML83 · 10/07/2018 14:35

I work part time, dh works many more hours so I expect to do most of the housework.
I don't expect him to leave things at his backside for me to clear up. My dh and kids tidy after themselves I do most of the cleaning/laundry. I hope when the kids are teenagers they will help a bit more with their own laundry and take a turn to cook.(possibly naive to think that!)

SuperSuperSuper · 10/07/2018 14:36

I think that you should do the lion's share especially given that you've no preschoolers at home with you. Obviously it's different if you're ill or tired every so often.

The teens have chores to complete, I hope.

ManorGreyhound · 10/07/2018 14:37

I have to agree, if you're not in paid work, or parenting small children, then you should do the lion's share of the housework.

FWIW, when i was studying at home, the time I spent doing housework was invaluable to me for thinking about assignments, or just mulling over things I had been reading for my course. Its the perfect slightly mindless activity for thinking about stuff (see also exercise!)

TheNavigator · 10/07/2018 14:40

My DH is a teacher and yes, in the holidays, I expect him to do most of the stuff in the house (children are older). If I am getting up at 6 and out of the house all day, I don't think it is too much to expect when he has all day to himself. Money and time to study is a lovely privilege OP, you seriously cannot expect to have leisure time and not do housework.

trojanpony · 10/07/2018 14:43

Unless he has started treating you differently I think you are looking at this in a strange way, For me It’s about free time...

If before you both had 10 hours free per week, then now you are at home you should doing more so you both have 20hours free time instead of you have 30 and he has 10.

If he is making you get out out bed to make him tea when you are I’ll then that’s not on but in general yes I think you should do a bit more

Pengggwn · 10/07/2018 14:45

he does not lift a finger to help at home.

Nope, never going to be acceptable to me. The majority of house stuff falling on the non-working partner is fine, but him doing bugger all? No.

RedSkyLastNight · 10/07/2018 15:03

Depends what you mean by "not lifting a finger". As with others, I agree you should do the lion's share of the housework. If you mean he literally (for example) dumps his dirty clothes on the floor and expects you to pick them up, won't even take dirty dishes out, never cooks and never so much as makes you a cup of tea, then that's not acceptable.

How long are his days? If he's doing very long days, even more reason you should pick up most of the "at home" slack.

Also to say, with two teens, why are they not doing something?

Iamtryingtobenicehere · 10/07/2018 15:04

If you’re at home when he is at work, I don’t see that you need him to help. What housework or chores can you not manage?

Ok, if you only have one car and he uses that throughout the week to commute to work, then you both go grocery shopping, but he is out of the house Monday to Friday I presume, plenty of time for you to do your job, which as a full time house wife and mother would be all the housework.

I work from home, I still find time to do all the housework on top of my own work and have time to sit in the garden.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 10/07/2018 15:08

Anything you can’t get done in your free hours (8.30ish-4.00pm??) he should certainly help with.

Racecardriver · 10/07/2018 15:10

But are you actually doing anything else to contribute to the household? Unless you have a child at home I don't see why you would not be the one to take on dibestic responsibilities.

ElectricSeal · 10/07/2018 15:13

Sorry, but I am a SAHM with 2 children in secondary school and this is a fucking doddle of a life.

You need to understand that apart from my Mum who loved ironing, most people hate housework and given that you are home whilst he works full time, of course you should be doing it.

I do everything, bins out, cleaning, cooking, shopping, the full mental load of house, children, school, holidays.

The big problem you seem to have is you have 2 teens who do fuck all. You need to sort that out. My eldest son is 15 and can cook, clean, hoover, unpacks the dishwasher every day with his brother who is 12.

Yes when you are ill then your Dh should step up but he is working to provide for the family, you should be doing the housework. Yes it is tedious, monotonous, boring, thankless and dull but like me you clearly have time to sit down and be on MN

If you are studying full time then you can talk to your Dh. But you are using the word help which means you see it as your responsibility and your Dh "helps" with housework.

I didn't choose to be a SAHM, it just sort of happened due to a job move. And 14 years of it takes it toll, but just think of all the women who did this in the 1950s with no real labour saving devices, no podcasts, no YouTube, no MN community, no TV on demand, no Netflix/Amazon prime. Christ we have it good.

CambridgeAnaglypta · 10/07/2018 15:14

I don'r work now and DH has a good job/mortgage paid off/no debts.

I do the lionshare of cleaning, shopping, cooking, admin, however DH does his bit and will wash up after dinner, always puts clothes in the wash basket tidies cups away etc

I think you should do the majority but not be waiting on him hand and foot.

Shortstuff08 · 10/07/2018 15:47

How old are the teens?

Exactly how much running around after them is needed?

Do they do anything?

Quite frankly, it's can't take anywhere near 40 hours a week to sort the house. So I do think you have the good end of the bargain.

Pengggwn · 10/07/2018 16:55

Have people also failed to note that the OP is returning to study?

Has that commenced yet, OP?

Shortstuff08 · 10/07/2018 17:12

I have finally decided after some time off that I’m going back to study.

Surely op would have said 'I have returned to studyin' if it had started.

And tbh, it would depend what it was. If I worked full time and took full financial responsibility, while Dp took a break then decided he was going to go study but it wasn't something that would eventually contribute to the finances, I wouldn't be happy about that either.

TheNavigator · 10/07/2018 17:14

Have people also failed to note that the OP is returning to study?

Nope, I commented that having the money and leisure time to study is a luxury - because it is. MY DH plans to do another degree when he retires - something history based. The OP is studying for fun, not chaining herself to the desk to pass a dull professional exam while working. Lucky her - some housework seems a pretty low price to pay..

araiwa · 10/07/2018 17:18

Is pussylodger the female equivalent of cocklodger?

BackforGood · 10/07/2018 17:25

I agree with most. If I were at work all day and dh were at home all day, and the dc were in their teens (so out at school all day), I would expect everything to do with the running of the household sorted by dh, yes.
Okay, different when you were ill, but as an ongoing situation, I don't think that is an unreasonable ask. It doesn't take even 30 hours a week (the min time the dcs will be out at school) let alone 40 or however many hours the dh works, to do the housework / cleaning / shopping / cooking.

Pengggwn · 10/07/2018 17:27

TheNavigator

But that is a mutual decision. Study is an occupation, and if her DH isn't happy for her to engage herself in that occupation he needs to say so. I wouldn't accept the argument that studying for a degree was 'leisure'.

Pengggwn · 10/07/2018 17:28

You and me both, but her DH doesn't seem to have an issue with it.

BoxsetsAndPopcorn · 10/07/2018 17:30

I'd expect you do to pretty much everything if your were my spouse but I would never have agreed to shoulder the burden alone but just for a short stop gap between jobs.

You seriously can't expect him to work, pay for everything and then come home and start cleaning whilst you are at home not working all day. A man would quite rightly be slated for doing the same as you are.

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