AIBU to think this is unfair

[Sweetnlow247]

I’m new to MN so please bear with me.. I quit my job about 6 months ago with my husbands blessing because of some bullying issues at work. I have 2 young teens. My husband earns very good money so finances are not an issue.

Anyway, I have finally decided after some time off that I’m going back to study. My husband is wonderful in every other way except that since I finished work and to a lesser degree before (I worked part time) he does not lift a finger to help at home. I didn’t really mind at first because I’m not working, but I am starting to get annoyed. He comes home from work and I take care of everything. He has been on leave and I have been unwell, but I am still expected to run around after him and the kids and he does absolutely nothing even when he’s off for a few weeks.

AIBU to expect even a genuine offer of help once in a while or should I just be grateful that he’s providing me with a comfortable life and keep my mouth shut! Thanks in advance.

I think you need to clarify what you mean by your husband doing 'absolutely nothing'. I was a SHAP for years, and when my DS was at school I was more than happy to do most of the housework/cooking/shopping - perhaps I have low standards but it took me barely a couple of hours a day if that which meant I had loads of free time to do exactly what I wanted - much more than my DH who had a stressful job with lots of travel. However he always did the gardening and took charge of our DS at weekends to give me a 'break' . And he's not the sort of DH to demand dinner on the table at a certain time or dump his washing on the floor.

I now work part time but still go by the rough 'rule' of who has more free time to do housework etc - and I still have far more free time. .

If the OP wants to study with the aim of getting a job in a particular area later, then that it not study for "leisure". if she just fancies studying, then it's "leisure" - it's no different to her spending the time painting/playing football/insert activity as applicable.

But that is a mutual decision. Study is an occupation, and if her DH isn't happy for her to engage herself in that occupation he needs to say so. I wouldn't accept the argument that studying for a degree was 'leisure'.

Studying isn't always an occupation. The dh may be happy because he feels the agreement is that while she is at home she looks after the house, so they BOTH have more free time.

He may not be aware that she feels he needs 5o do more housework.

They need to sit down and really talk about.

Studying isn't always an occupation. The dh may be happy because he feels the agreement is that while she is at home she looks after the house, so they BOTH have more free time.

Perhaps.

OP, has there been any discussion about you being your DH's housekeeper?

Seriously? You have at minimum 30 hours a week when DCs are at school, plus likely more if they are in clubs / seeing friends / doing homework - and sounds like you are not yet studying. And all of this is funded by your DH.
When my DH and I have been between jobs or similar it was never even a discussion that the one at home takes on the vast majority of cleaning, cooking, admin - it still takes less than 30 hrs a week, and gives you both more leisure time in the evenings and on the weekend.

He was home because he was ill - assuming he's ill enough not to work, then he's also too unwell to cook or clean.

OP, has there been any discussion about you being your DH's housekeeper?

She isn't the housekeeper. But she isn't caring for the kids all day. She isn't providing anything financial, what would you suggest she contributes?

Would you call a non working man, with teenagers (Not young children) 'your wife's housekeeper'.

I agree that a SAHP should carry the home duties. That's not to say that the WOHP shouldn't offer a helping hand at times (like illness).

I'd suggest that you have a good talk with him about how he feels about 'study' vs 'working' and sharing the HH duties. Especially as you'll need 'down time' at home for studying. It's odd the number of men who think if a spouse is 'working' (i.e. 'earning') that sharing HH duties is fine, but that if they're 'in school' (i.e. 'not earning') they still need to carry the majority of the load.

I think YABU if you are at home all day and it's not as if you have young children causing chaos st home, how long can it take? I also wonder if the studying you want to do is with a career in mind or just something which is of interest to you?

Shortstuff08

What she contributes should be between her and her husband, obviously, but it is far from a foregone conclusion that, because she isn't doing paid work, she should be doing everything else. Her husband has agreed that she should take some time out of work to study. That doesn't make her 'the help'. Marriage isn't like that.

has he ever lifted a finger round the house?

Pengggwn

I am genuinely not sure what your point is. You referred to the op as her she housekeeper. I simply asked if you would call a man a housekeeper if the situation was reversed.

It should be between the op and her dh. But she is posting because they are worlds apart on what their expectations were when op gave up work.

He has agreed that she should take sometime out to study. But we don't know what the course is, how many hours a week etc.

I would expect the non working partner to take on most of the housework. If I was at home, I would do most of the housework.

Personally, I feel that marriage should be a partnership. Everyon4 contributing and doing what they can to make family life easier.

I simply asked if you would call a man a housekeeper if the situation was reversed.

If, as people have suggested (and in the scenario to which I was responding) he was expected to do ALL the housework while his partner did nothing in the house, yes, I would.

When I took a year out, I had most of the day to do what I wanted. Got up in the morning, chucked on the washing, did any dishes left from night before. Spent rest of day gardening/doing anything but housework. Had a mad 1/2 hour dash around/put tea on just before DH came home. It wasn't hard work. I'm a teacher, in the holidays I go back to doing pretty much everything. That's fair. When I'm not on holiday, we share tasks. Your DH should (IMO) share tasks when he's on holiday.

Seems to me if your husband is working full time and earning enough to give you his blessing to pack in your part time job that you weren’t happy in, and to enable you to return to your studies then surely the running of the household falls to you!?
I was very grateful that my husband earned enough to allow me to stop work when we had children. To be able to be there for them before & after school, homework, bath & bedtime meant a lot.
I always felt while he left the house at 6am and returned home at 7.30pm it wasn’t a lot to, in return, keep a tidy house, prepare meals and welcome him home to a pleasant environment.
You, OP, are in my opinion taking the piss

What is it that you can't do for 7.5 hours a day (37 hours a week) which is left for him to do after working all day?

he was expected to do ALL the housework while his partner did nothing in the house, yes, I would.

Really you think it's treating a partner who doesn't work, as a housekeeper because they do a couple of hours housework a day.

This issue comes up SO much on mn, so very annoying and frustrating.

Fair enough you do the bulk if you're not working OR studying BUT that's no excuse for being a lazy, disrespectful slob. You're not his skivvy.

Both partners deserve down time too.

And yes the teens should absolutely be pulling their weight too. At that age there's very few household chores that it would be unreasonable to ask them to do. They should certainly AT LEAST be keeping their own rooms clean and tidy, looking after their possessions inc ironing if you're an ironing family, possibly doing their own laundry. They can also cook at least one meal each a week, light gardening, putting bins out, washing dishes or loading/emptying dishwasher, pop to the shop for top up shops, help take care of any pets, hoovering... You can't have them do everything you need to leave them enough time for homework, a reasonable amount of social or down time, but do please raise them so that when they hit 18 and go into the outer world they're independent and self sufficient. As a mature uni student I was shocked at how many of the 18/19 year olds couldn't cook, budget or even know how to separate laundry!

A few links you may find useful:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

m.youtube.com/watch?v=ezDfo8DSnQs

www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Strategic%20Incompetence

m.youtube.com/watch?v=SqQgDwA0BNU

www.workingmother.com/this-comic-perfectly-explains-mental-load-working-mothers-bear

Shortstuff08

No. I think coming home, chucking your dirty undies on the floor and leaving a coffee cup on the mantelpiece, then asking what's for dinner and watching Grey's Anatomy while she does she dishes is treating her like a housekeeper. She says he doesn't lift a finger, whether he is off work or not.

I think coming home, chucking your dirty undies on the floor and leaving a coffee cup on the mantelpiece, then asking what's for dinner and watching Grey's Anatomy while she does she dishes is treating her like a housekeeper. She says he doesn't lift a finger, whether he is off work or not.

Ah, so you are adding things in.

Who says he leaves stuff around? Not lifting a finger maybe be different to you as it is to the op. She may mean he doesn't do any clothes washing, or hoovering or washing up.

It doesn't always follow that he can't be arsed putting his washing in the washing basket. They may have a dishwasher that he loads or unloads. Her view of him to lifting a finger maybe different to someone else's.

Besides which it seems there are teens that don't do anything as well.

There's no point any of us just making situations up. It doesn't look like the OP is coming back to clarify.

Keeping up to a house, takes very little time. The OP must have far more downtime than her dh. That's why it's fair for her to do most of the house work.

If it transpires he does leave stuff around and treats her like you say, I would be in agreement. But we just don't know.

OK - point taken. I will raise with him about expectations. I do do everything, literally and am studying a diploma full time so I can change career and contribute financially in the future. I also need to get my boys to help out more because I don’t want them growing up to think it’s all up to the woman regardless if she’s working or not. The house is always immaculate and meals prepared, I was just getting pissed off about constantly tidying up after everyone. I don’t expect husband to come home and cook dinner for example.
Thanks for the advice everyone!

I think it would be good to tackle this as a family.

Tell them you are returning to studying so you need start as you mean to go on.

The kids should have already started doing things themselves, it's starts when they are young.

So you're already studying full time?

When I was working for my 2nd degree I was a single mum and so treated it like a full time job, going in 9-5 every day regardless of timetable and using "free" periods to do the work others without the same responsibilities would do at evenings/weekends as dd was in nursery and so that meant that was the only time I had to do this work. Would have been impossible to do with a toddler at my feet! Then evenings and weekends were for time with dd and caring for her, but also for household chores. There were about half a dozen single mums on the course and we all did it like this, where possible for group work we gravitated toward each other too as we were all limited in being able to meet up evenings/weekends to do group work.

One thing though was that because dd and I weren't home that much we weren't making much mess at home, but in op's case with 2 teens who are presumably mostly home when not in school there may be a fair bit to do.

Why am I not surprised they're boys?

Op not wishing to cause offence, but I'm wondering, have you (and I mean you and dh here) let your boys reach the age where the youngest is at least 13 and they don't do anything around the house to contribute?

Have read so many threads on mn where mners (and their partners) don't expect their DC to do chores - and are then somehow amazed when they reach teenhood and they're lazy entitled little mess makers! You have to start young, so they know it's their home to take a pride in too and that it's perfectly normal to have to contribute to keeping that home clean, tidy and comfy.

My dd is not perfect - eg she's an utter pain for not bringing dishes through to be washed! Cereal bowls are a particular bug bear cos dried on cereal is like bloody cement! But for the most part she's helpful and certainly picks up after herself.

Well, your last post changes what I put in my earlier reply.
Partly through the change in detail of the studying, but mostly through the fact you say you are 'tidying up after them' and that 'literally' you do everything.
Of course, all individuals should tidy up after themselves as they go along, and clear the table after themselves, get their own breakfast, lunch etc. I would take that as read. I initially inferred from what you first posted that you wanted to share housework in the evenings or weekends or whenever your dh was home.

I am not adding anything in. 'Not lifting a finger' is not an ambiguous phrase. It means doing nothing, to the extent that you can't be bothered to do the smallest things. If this is not the case, let the OP clarify it, but I am not 'adding things' to 'not lifting a finger'. I am just believing it.