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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To finally fall out with my Dad?

64 replies

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 10:56

Name changed, sorry this is going to be a long one!

For background, I have always got on with my Dad very well and found him really funny, we have more of a jokey friend relationship than a father daughter relationship. His sense of humour is a very acquired taste and he has offended many people with it over the years. My mum has always been the disciplinarian and supportive parent, (I am only realising now how difficult it must have been for my mum). My dad has always poked fun at my sister and I and it is always said that you need to have a very thick skin in our family. My sister is 5ft1 and her height has been a constant running joke. I hate to say that I have also joined in when my dad has been making jokes about it, I guess I didn't think being small was something a girl would actually be upset about. I am realising now that it doesn't matter that I wouldn't find something offensive, because someone else might take it differently. My mum has always been fixated on appearances and encouraged my sister and I to always wear makeup etc, she has always had a habit of looking you up and down very obviously and she values us looking good far more than our accomplishments and very much enjoys boasting at any opportunity. She is very critical of my sisters appearance and was the exact same with me when I was younger, however has backed off with me since I moved out and got married. So that is the family background.

I had a really bad mental health spell last year, effectively a mental breakdown, that came out of nowhere and was a big shock to my family and husband. I was prescribed anti depressants, however the ones I was given are known for having a significant impact on weight. I have always been very thin, quite unhealthily so, but it seemed that my mum was actually quite proud of this and would stealthily boast to people about how I just NEEDED to put weight on and it must be so difficult for me but then would also enjoy telling them that I could eat what ever I liked and not put any weight on and always brought conversations back round to my figure Hmm. I went from 8 stone to 10 and a half stone in about 3 months (I am 5 foot 7 so it was still not close to me being over weight) and my parents knew it was because of the pills. The pills made me feel a million times better and that trumped the weight gain for me and my husband was in total agreement (I actually don't think he noticed!). Anyway I was starting to feel like my old self again until my Dad phoned me whilst I was at work and told me that I really needed to lose weight. He said that mum had pressured him to call me about it. I was embarrassed and paranoid, so stopped taking the pills and I ended up gradually losing the weight however have remained at about nine and a half stone for the last year. Which is obviously still slim, but not as waif like and unhealthy looking as before. For clarification, this had not been a call because they were worried about my health, although my mum later said it was, it was because of my appearance. I know my parents well enough to know that. I avoided seeing my family for about 4 months after my dad phoned me as I couldn't face the comments or judgemental looks. I was honest with my mum and told her that the reason I was avoiding them was because of how the comments had made me feel. She has obviously realised that she was going to push me away completely if this continued so there have been no more judgemental looks from her or encouragements to my dad to speak to me. However, my dad has continued to make jokes about my weight consistently. When I first saw them again after the 4 months of avoidance he would point at very overweight people in the street and say they looked like me, 'as a laugh'. He has an incredibly dry and blunt sense of humour. My mum has obviously warned him to stop doing this however he can't seem to help himself and the new one for the last couple of months is to talk about how 'big boned' I am. For the record, I am not remotely big boned. He is just trying to avoid actually calling me fat in case my mum gets annoyed at him. My husband and I were away at the weekend with my family including my aunt, uncle and cousin and we were all sitting round the dinner table. Myself, my husband, sister and Dad had all been out cycling earlier that day and I had been more tired than the rest of them (they are all incredibly sporty and fit, I have dabbled in exercise in the past but am just not naturally as into it as them) and I said how I would like to start going to the gym again to improve my fitness. My dad started on again about how big boned I was and held his arms out from his side obviously imitating how wide I was. The table went silent. He has always gotten away with these comments as he is funny with it and nobody wants to be the sensitive one who makes a fuss. I didn't say anything but sat there in silence. My husband later said to me that he didn't know how my dad got away with the things he said, I would have fallen out with him if he made those comments to me, but he wouldn't say these things in the first place! My mum obviously saw that I looked upset and was glaring at my Dad. She phoned me later that night to say that she had fallen out with him over it. I told her that I have now had enough of it and that if my husband and I ever have children I would feel very uncomfortable with them growing up around my dad as I didn't want them to be made to feel the way I am. I feel the same way about my mum but didn't say that. My dad phoned me at work today and it was obvious it was to see if I was annoyed after the bollocking he got from my mum. I was quiet but did not bring it up. My sister and I have always just laughed off his comments and worry that we would be the 'sensitive one' if we were to make a fuss. It is more of a WWYD than an AIBU as I am finally at the end of my tether with this constant focus on appearance. Maybe it is being married now and considering our own family, I would hate to make my children feel the way I am made to feel. My Cousin actually no longer speaks to my Aunt (my Mums Sister) as she said that my Aunt used to go on constantly about her weight and appearance and it affected her confidence hugely. Clearly this obsession with appearance is deep rooted in my mums family and my dad, who's sense of humour has always been very harsh and focusing on a persons weakness, has latched onto it. Some advice about how to deal with this would be hugely appreciated as I am not sure if I am over reacting to this latest incident because of the years of comments, or if this is the final straw.

OP posts:
TokenBritPoshOfCourse · 10/07/2018 13:41

Bingo.

So, think of some examples. For me it was things like

How can you live like this?
Don’t you own an iron?
Hasn’t mummy brushed your hair?
Had a nice rest today, have you?
Oh TOKEN.
If you just kept on top of it it would be lovely (re my housework)

Etc etc. And then either silently tick them off in your head or when you get brave enough shout BINGO at them every time.

thetemptationofchocolate · 10/07/2018 13:42

I grew up in a similar family I think. It did terrible things to my self-esteem.
I'd just keep them at a distance, but especially so if you start having babies. Your children do not need this toxicity in their lives.

50shadesofgreyismylaundry · 10/07/2018 13:42

'I'm not staying here to be insulted', then leave, every single time. Or 'I don't have to listen to this' or 'Dad, you're not being funny or clever, just insulting and it's embarrassing'.

longwayoff · 10/07/2018 13:49

Oh what a wag hes a bundle of larfs innit?' ' my husband said he doesn't know how dad gets away with saying such things'. Your husband should be telling him dont speak to my wife like that. Hes got far too much sense of ownership of you. If hes insulting you on the phone then put it down and waIk away.there is no reason to put up with the fool. Nor his wife

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 14:00

I've read every comment and wanted to thank everyone for the invaluable advice and kind words.

I phoned my dad and he sounded very deflated and down. I said to him that I was taking medication for my mental health and unfortunately weight gain is a side effect, I am by no means fat, and my mental health is far more important than a little weight gain. He said that he actually thought I was looking really well lately, so I told him that he had a funny way of showing it and his comments were really upsetting me. I do feel a bit bad because my husband and I only arrived for the last few days of the holiday and I have caused trouble on the last day Sad He did sound very down, and if it was this situation in isolation then yes I would have been overreacting. But I keep reminding myself that it is not this just this one incident, it is a recurring thing which is causing me serious upset.

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/07/2018 14:03

If he's down due to being called out on HIS behaviour that's just tough!

I actually wouldn't put it past him to act "down" being pretty sure this will guilt you into "forgiving" him and he goes right back to doing the same as before!

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2018 14:04

Making him explain himself over and over is one way but will be awkward and probably make him defensive. People who dish it out rarely enjoy the same treat back.

He’s got away with this far too long, as has your mum who does at least sound as if she’s been shocked into understanding how out of order she’s been.

I would probably limit contact. For example, why take his call at work? He doesn’t deserve a laugh and a chat when he owes you an apology.

And each and every time he insults you say, ‘Dad, that’s not ok.’ with a very hard stare. Surely nobody laughs at his insults so he’s going to feel uncomfortable at least. If consistently challenged and consistently ignored in terms of any other response, he will get the message.

If he doesn’t rein it in after that he needs a period of quarantine while you do nice stuff with your mum and sister.

MatildaTheCat · 10/07/2018 14:06

Cross post : you did not cause trouble.

Repeat until you believe this.

Bibesia · 10/07/2018 15:05

Don't tell him hes upset you, that plays straight into his "Cambridge is over-sensitive" game. You need to make it clear to him that his is not funny, it's not clever, it's bullying, pure and simple, and you're not prepared to accept it any more.

You also seriously need to talk to your mother about screaming at your sister. Point out to her that it drove you away and was almost certainly a reason for your MH problems, and that she is going the best way to driving your sister out of the home at the earliest possible opportunity. Point out also that it is abusive and you are not prepared to condone it any more.

Cambridgebanana · 10/07/2018 15:40

I pushed really hard for my sister to move out for uni but my parents have insisted they can't afford it. It reached the point where my husband and I were so desperate to give her the chance to move out that we were looking into us funding it, my husband was really keen to do so but the problem is that we just don't have enough spare money right now Sad. We will both be getting promotions over the next year or two so hopefully will be in a better financial position to help her out, and she will be able to save over the next year too.

OP posts:
Graphista · 10/07/2018 16:31

How old is she? You might want to investigate her getting funding as a non-dependant by declaring herself emancipated.

Bibesia · 10/07/2018 18:20

Has your sister looked into student loans and doing some waitressing or similar on the side to fund herself through university?

Cambridgebanana · 12/07/2018 16:36

Thanks everyone for the advice. She is 18 so legally an adult. She is determined she is moving out next year and I'll do whatever I can to help

OP posts:
overnightangel · 12/07/2018 16:51

“Your dad is a bullying, abusive cunt ”

This x1000

I bet he doesn’t have any mates and uses the phrase “it’s just banter” without a hint of irony

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